Sunday, 2 February 2014

A Letter to Beyonce...

Dear Beyonce

Hope you and the fam are well and that Blue Ivy is behaving herself. I watched your Oprah documentary this morning. Granted it took me a while to get round to it but I've been a bit busy what with Christmas. It was great and that Oprah looks a nice lady but I have a few pointers. 

I am not arguing that you are not anything but a beautiful, intelligent lady with an amazing voice and a body to die for. Men across the world want to be with you (like my husband) and women want to be you (like me). But. I am confused about your account of child birth. 

You said it was the most amazing experience in your life. That you loved it and that as you were giving birth to your baby you were talking to her. Not like actually but mentally (?). All in all you made it seem a doddle. Now. I have had two babies. And it's not a doddle. I had two c sections so can't even comment on the horror (or so I'm told) of child birth. I haven't even had something too big come out of a too small hole, and even I found it bloody hard work. 


Come on Beyonce give us a break. It would make me like you even more (if that is at all possible) if you said to Oprah. Look bab (ok you don't have to be Brummie in it but that would be even better). It really hurt. I tore from here to here. I punched Jay Z in the face. Was sick down myself and then pooed. That would have been amazing and I feel a little more truthful. 

It is already hard enough to live up to you and your quite frankly superhuman ways so give us something please. Just some way we can relate to each other. Let just one photo be taken of Blue Ivy throwing a massive temper tantrum in Chanel. Or you spraying dry shampoo in your hair. Or walking around with raisins squished into the bottom of your red soled Louboutins. 

Now I can't keep up with the world of celebs as I'm knee deep in soft play and washing but if you're ready to have or are having number 2. Pleeeease. Next time release a picture of you covered in sweat post birth. Or breakdown on Oprah saying "I'm. just. sooooo. tired". And sob and sob. 

And then I will love you even more than I already do. 

Take care. Love to Jay-Z.

Em x

16 comments:

  1. Well written! What was Oprah doing when she said all this? I will try to watch when I have finished my tummy excercises needed to repair a week post childbirth tummy!

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    1. Oh Oprah agreed with her (as far as I am aware she is childless). Love Beyonce but really. Come off it. It bloody hurts!

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  2. Lovely post and I feel that we should all be more honest about what childbirth, breastfeeding and motherhood entails. However that said, some women actually don't have that much pain (good for them I say) and we don't all wee and poo on ourselves its different for everyone. I too have two kids 13 hrs the first, 3 hrs the second, I tore with the first and needed stitches I didn't the second time around. I never swore at hubby and I too spoke in my head for most of the time willing myself to be calm, to visualize where baby was and allow my body to do what it need to do but yes I screamed all the way through, multi-tasking then too lol. I had both kids with only gas and air naturally. Celebrity mums have the money to have all sorts of coping mechanisms, their world is one that not many of us will know. Leave them to it I say and the rest of us and go on helping each other out

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    1. I'm sure it was beautiful for her. As I said I had two c sections so I can't really comment! Would be lovely just to see a tiny crack in some of the celebs lifestyles to make us feel a bit more ok but as you say they do have lots of money to help them. Glad you liked my post xxx

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  3. And me. Or just looking proper proper knackered. We can but dream x

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  4. I loved this post, so well written. Was Beyonce still on pain relief when she was talking about birth, because she makes it out as I remember it... (I was on a different planet because of pain relief) It just wouldn't do for Beyonce to be the same as all of us other mummies! xx

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    1. God bless Beyonce. She was super lucky! All I remember was it bnloody hurt!!!! xxx

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  5. That was a fab read, I've obviously never given birth myself but went through a torrid labour with our 1st so yes it would be fab for beyonce to say it was hard work or something lol nit make it sound like she just making a sandwich lol

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    1. Thanks! I'm sure secretly it hurt her a bit ;) X

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  6. Haha this is great, really made me chuckle!

    From pocolo

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  7. I don't know why celebs think they should glamorize everything. If they were a little more honest, we'd really feel a lot better about ourselves. Seriously, when will these women stop creating impossible standards of post-partum perfection?! #PoCoLo

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    1. I do worry that young mums are feeling the strain to be the perfect mom and also that they need to live up to these celebs. I do love Beyonce but she's not really helping us xxx

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  8. What a great post. I didn't see this interview but I have to say typical celebs! They have to keep up the pretence, don't they?! What they need to realise is that us non-celeb types are not idiots!! Thanks for linking to PoCoLo x

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    1. I know! I suppose maybe it's aimed at those younger fans who were yet to experience theain of child birth! xxx

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  9. I have just come across this letter and frankly you are a bit of a comic genius! Thanks for making me smile repeatedly....

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