Saturday, 13 December 2014

Do's and Don'ts for the Socially Awkward Mother

Since becoming a Mum I have become a bit of a hermit. I do go out obviously. But I enjoy the nice warm snug seats of a cinema, with pick 'n' mix in abundance and the chance to have a little cat nap. The nights I have been out drinking and socialised with the actual general public? Well. Have ended up in me either 1) massively pissed by 9pm, in bed by 10pm 2) weeping about me not being 21, footloose and fancy free whilst finding really UGLY men attractive or 3) pissed, weeping, fancying ugly men and in bed by 10pm. After I have attempted doing the full routine to Single Ladies. My own extended version.

I can swan round a soft play and make friends in minutes. At a Butlin's disco? I would be there BOOM! doing the Cha Cha Slide. Peppa World? Conquered that b*tch twice. But the thought of going out in the real world without my children sometimes shakes me to my very core. So new parents, with tiny babies, I have developed a few do's and don'ts if you're planning your first post baby night out...warning...this could (will) get messy.

Do start by going out somewhere a bit relaxed. Maybe a meal or perhaps a nice bar with a few friends. 
Don't start by going to an all nighter rave. Not only will you want to be in bed at the VERY latest midnight but also you will have forgotten that the youth of today are thin, glam and do something called 'twerking'. You won't like it. And don't try it. You will look awful doing it. Also now you are a mother you will need the toilet every hour at the most. Queues will be too big in such a venue. You could wee yourself. 

That's me.  On the left. Grabbing my boob.  First night out for 18mths. Classy. 

Do have a nice drinky.  Maybe a few glasses of vino. Or a couple of g and ts. 
Don't get massively wrecked. Everyone understands being out in public is a bit exciting and the temptation to get utterly pissed by 9pm is a hard one to resist. But don't do it. There's nowt less attractive than a weeping woman who can't pull her spanx up properly, and needs their friends assistance to hold back their hair whilst puking red wine sick. 

Do wear something you feel comfortable in.
Don't wear something you feel comfortable in if that means a onesie from Matalan and your battered Primark slippers with raisins squashed on the bottom. Alternatively don't go what my friends and I call all 'Nan's on the razz'. Avoid sequins, avoid sparkles, avoid fmbs (f*ck me boots). Think classy Mummy like Holly Willoughby, Myleene Klass. Not Kerry Katona. Tits should be in bras. Not dragging on the dance floor.

Drinking all three? Probably not ideal.

Do miss your children.
Don't tell anyone you miss your children. No one, especially non parents, will give a toss you miss your children.  Please do not show photos, please do not tell stories about your child's horrific birth and more importantly don't show any scars, tearings or cracked nipples. Oh and for gods sake don't cry. 

And finally...

Do HAVE FUN!!
Don't get arrested. You laugh but a new mother, unleashed, high on wine and 80's music? Good god, anything could happen. All together now.."all the single ladies...all the single ladies"...

35 comments:

  1. Great lists and sound advice. So pleased you had a fab night out xx

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  2. Lol! Great advice! My first nights out I was already preggers again. It's gonna be a pretty big deal when I get to go out and drink again!

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    1. Oh you will get hammered so quickly!!! xxx

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  3. Hi - love that pic, very funny! Popped over to say hello from #allaboutme

    http://asaucystitch.blogspot.co.uk

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  4. I love this post. THanks for the tips I should have read this before I attempted a girlie all nighter. DIdn't work home early in my bed. I didn't really go out in between my two babies so when I did it had been three years. Long over due. I think I should have eased into it instead. lol #allaboutyoulinky

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    1. I know I end uip having to look after the kids the next day. I need to go out, drink loads and stay in a hotel. It is the only way I could recover!!! xxx

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  5. Ha ha ... this is brilliant! It brings back memories of first nights out after having my kids. I've just planned a first night out for friends that include two mummies that are newbies at going out. I'm glad to say I have covered all the basic you mention! Stopping by from #AllAboutYou

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    1. Oh no you could be holding back hair whilst they puke!!! Ha ha ha xxx

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  6. Great post! Hope you had a good night out and you didn't break any of your own rules ;)
    #AllAboutYou

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  7. Aw, glad you had a good one - and had time for a selfie!! I totally get that feeling too, I think it's partly because I just don't go out as much, so what used to be a regular occurance twice or thrice weekly is now a couple of times per month at most, and partly because being a mum has taken me into a different zone. I was out Friday with some girlfriends, supper, cinema, then we went to check out a cool venue someone had mentioned to us, one look at the queue and we headed to a local pub, where we didn't feel so geriatric!! #AllAboutYou

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    1. It is so hard growing older as nothing makes you feel older than being out with the 'youth'. That's why I tend to end up finding myself doing more things indoors with my friends like having a meal or going to the flicks. I need to force myself out more I think. Once the weather gets better xxx

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  8. Great post, had such a lovely read :) #AllAboutYou

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  9. I can completely relate! I hardly ever go out without my kids, and when I do I don't know what to do with myself!

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    1. It is so odd going out with a normal bag isn't it? Not a huge massive mom bag xxx

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  10. Haha, excellent! I always feel as if I'm missing a limb if I venture out without my two small persons attached.

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    1. And me. Once I went shopping. And said "oh let mommy have a nice sit down" mmmm to no one as I was alone! Looked crackers xxx

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  11. I totally understand! I think I did all of the don't s on my first night out after my first daughter was born and could add a few more don't s too (don't think you can handle Jaeger-bombs, don't be sick in the taxi, don't be sick in your house as soon as you open the front door!)
    Haven't been out after my second yet, maybe I will do better this time!

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    1. In have defo defo wept on a night out after my first. The hangover the next day with the two of them was horrific! x

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  12. Lol I'm glad you got to go out. Mine are grown up and in a lot of ways it's the same as me I'm still trying to find me lol

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    1. I doubt I will ever be again! I'm an emotional brain dead loon! xxx

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  13. Brilliant post! Just read this out to my husband and had a good giggle, great tips. I always think I want to go out for a big night, and come midnight all I can think about is bed and more importantly that some cute little people are going to be waking me up and not give a toss that I'm hungover and just want to hibernate! #AllAboutYou

    Mama-andmore.com

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    1. Hangover with children is literally the utter and total worst thing ever. Bleurgh xxx

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  14. Fab list and love your take on it. Hope you had a fabulous night xx #pocolo

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  15. Lucas says - well I think you look very pretty but you forgot the most important ingredient to make a night be really MEGA - Haribo!!! No night out is complete without it. Like your advice re: the 'mummy juice' - shame my Mother didn't pay heed!!!! Like your style #pocolo

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    1. Haribo wpoild have been a welcome addition to me evening and maybe wouldn't have given me such a headache the next morning! xxx

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  16. Fab list and great post, had me chuckling all the way through! Looks like you had a fantastic night x

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    1. I did thanks! And was in bed by 12 so that's a bonus! xxx

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  17. Sounds awfully familiar. I do think that it's very easy to make too big a thing of those first nights out away from the kids, and yet it's almost impossible to treat it as a 'normal' evening. The one thing I always focussed on was not to talk about the kids unless someone asked me specifically - and then not to ramble on for hours about it. When my wife and I go out together, we have a 'no kids' discussions' rule.

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  18. "Tits should be in bras." Classic. Brilliant. Hilarious. True!

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  19. "battered Primark slippers with raisins squashed on the bottom." Err, have you been snooping round my house or something? Loved this post ! Had me cackling and reading aloud to the other half...who didn't relate! xx
    www.lukeosaurusandme.blogspot.co.uk

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