Saturday, 22 February 2014

I didn't sign up for this!

When I first found out I was pregnant I was over the moon but had no idea that as soon as the baby popped (or in my case pulled) out, I inadvertently had signed some weird invisible contract, that it appears I can't get out of for the foreseeable future.

I signed a contract just before this picture. Maybe I did it under anaesthetic?!

Thou shall always have a 'Mum' bag...
For the past few years I have had to carry around a ridiculous, massive, giant bag. Every day. Always. It has a variety of things in it from tiny pants to spare dummies to little dirty broken toys. This bag will remain bottomless yet when I require just one single nappy. It will prove fruitless. And result in me swearing whilst I empty the contents out into the street. 

Thou shall always be in charge of packing. For everyone...
We have been on a few holidays post the sprogs and for some reason I signed up to be on packing duty??? For like four people? It takes days and days. No one cares. No one appreciates it but when I dare to forget bloody swimming nappies? It is clearly my fault. 

Thou shall only wear a 'Mum' coat...
I used to own a nice coat. Ones without a hood. Some were tight fitted beauties. Now? I have a 'Mum' coat. I have had several of these over the past few years. But always in the same guise. Always like a parka. But not one that makes me look bang on trend. Keep an eye out. Most Mums have these coats. With their hood pulled up. Running in the rain. Looking tired.

Two words. Mum. Coat. 

Thou shall always have everything known to man on hand. Always...
To be a good Mom you must have to hand at all times the following: nappies (obv), sun tan lotion, wellies, spare pants, spare spare pants, toys, snacks, plasters, Calpol, pop, more pants, emergency treats, woolly hats, sun hats, spare socks. And so on. You need to be prepared for any occurrence. I forgot some spare tights yesterday for the girl who jumped in a worryingly deep puddle. Bad Mom. 

Thou shall worship at the alter of dry shampoo...
Never ever ever did I think the day would come where I thought about the use of dry shampoo. Ever. Now? I can tell you about the various flavours on offer (cherry is my choice at the mo) and how long to spray it to make you look like you've showered. I'll be honest. That never happens. You are fooling yourself. You look like you've used dry shampoo. 

Thou shall happily give over your whole abode to your child...
We have a playroom. A whole room designated to play. So why the hell is there another toy box in the living room? Then kids books in our bedroom? And one gazillion bath toys? Oh and don't forget the rubbish (I mean beautiful) pieces of art that will litter your shelves. 

See how happy he is? Why won't he stay in there?!

Thou shall never wee alone again...
When you have kids 1) you need the toilet every hour on the hour due to labour 2) you have to take maybe one or two tiny people to the toilet with you. They stare at you when you wee. Ask what your tampon is and worse? Open the bloody lock in public toilets and reveal your bum to the world. 

Thou need to be scared...
Not just of accidents and the normal worrying things. But what is going to be said. Whenever my girl says "My mummy says..." I am terrified she is going to reveal a rather mean nickname of a 'friend' or tell someone a rude word I said whilst driving. Both have happened. 

Thou shall never be able to watch TV again...
Peppa frickin Pig. Gah! No matter how much you say you're not going to be a Mom who lets their kids watch tele. Its draw will be too much and you will be submerged into a world of hell. You will think about why is Mr Potato so big? Why is Danny Dog the same size as Pedro Pony? Dogs and horses are not the same size! And so on. I have a Masters in Education. Yet I wondered what happened to Barbies parents. I even googled it. I am brain dead. 

She's bigger than you would expect! 

There's a million of other stupid things I never dreamt would be involved with being a Mum. Including dealing with daft health visitors (don't let your children near hot drinks dear (?!)), cleaning up sick from every nook and cranny in a child's bedroom, and holding them down when they are being evilly injected by the doctors. But there is one rule we shall never forget. And praise be:

Thou shall be fuelled by caffeine. Caffeine shall be your drink of choice (and sometimes booze)...

33 comments:

  1. Fab post. My kids are much older now, but I still have a crap coat, which I hate, but persist in wearing when it threatens rain and still have a handbag the size of a small country. Oh, and I use dry shampoo - I like the tropical variety.

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    1. Sometimes I put a normal coat on. Leave the house. Then run back to swap into my Mom coat. I hate it so much! x

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  2. I rarely take a handbag out now. I just borrow a corner of Potato's nappy bag. I have some lovely handbags that are feeling very unloved!
    It never occurred to me to think about sizes of Pedro Pony and Danny Dog! Now it's going to bug me!

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    1. Lots of Peppa makes no sense whatsoever. It drives me bonkers! x

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  3. So very true, especially the packing for four, when did Daddy become incapable anyway, as well as going to the loo alone and surviving on caffiene. Great true post I can relate too.

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    1. Thanks! I'm fuming as not only did I have to pack but it must also be written somewhere I have to unpack too???! Grrrr x

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  4. I LOVE this! I laugh this morning because our coffee pot just broke a few minutes ago when I needed it most (been up all night), then saw this post. Classic!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it. I love my tea in the morning. I fume unless I get it! x

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  5. Love this and all so true! It especially grates with me when the other half says "didn't you bring...". Lovely photo of your little man too - he looks so sweet and innocent, like he'd be no trouble at all!!!

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    1. My boy is beaut but a total loon bag! Glad you liked it x

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  6. Fabulous and oh so true! I'm sad to report that my daughters are 19, at uni & I still have all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff in my massive mum bag!

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    1. Nooooooo! I thought normal bag service would resume in a few years!!!!!!! x

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  7. I distinctly recall going out in the rain when my first baby was a few weeks old, pushing the pram and carrying an umbrella...within 30 seconds it dawned on me - THAT'S why all mums have a hooded mum coat. Nice post! x

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    1. A buggy and a brolly is a match made in hell. I have ran before trying to balance it under my chin like a crazy person! x

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    2. Even better - my son has a Fireman Sam one that he insists on taking out, but can't hold for long so I have him on a buggy board, pushing 1 year old in pram and holding an umbrella over HIS head...ffs

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  8. Argh I feel so bundled up in my mum parka but what can you do - we need those hoods! My dry shampoo is more like a fancy dress grey spray. Fab post! X

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    1. Thanks! My Mum coat is so cosy I would go out in my dressing gown if I could x

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  9. So with you on many of these except dry shampoo - it makes my hair feel dirtier, not sure why!
    fab post though :)

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    1. I totally use dry shampoo as a placebo. My hair still looks like crap. I can promise you this xxx

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  10. Ha ha this is so funny (and VERY true). I'm always looking for new posts to include on my #FridayFavourites post on a.....Friday! Is it ok if I promote this one?

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  11. Hehehe I loved reading this!!!.. I could honestly hand on heart written this myself!. I also have a Mom Coat and Mom Ugg Boots, it seems to be my 24/7 trend for the last 9 years and Dry Shampoo is just the coolest thing EVER.. But unfortunately can make you look like you have dandruff. and ive also succumb to just having a changing bag, I don't even own a Handbag :(... Im such a Mom lol #PoCoLo

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    1. I too have Uggs and I dream of the day when I can afford Ugg slippers. Imagine the joy of them. Would be the dream! xxx

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  12. Brilliant and all so true!! You look so glamourous after you he just given birth, how did you manage that? Great post

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    1. That my friend is the dream of an elective c section! Ha ha ha ha xxx

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  13. I can associate with all of this!! Especially the bag bit! I still have my huge bag for kids stuff hidden away and am using a slightly smaller one for the same reason! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

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  14. Even as a dad, I can associate with this. As for googling what happened to Barbie's parents, my oldest child is now six and asks questions about everything he sees, so I find myself perpetually looking things up on Google and Wikipedia in preparation for the inevitable barrage of questions. It's only a matterr of time before he rumbles that daddy doesn't knwo everything after all ...

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  15. Love this , I own a mum coat and currently on my final day of dry shampoo and need to actually wash my hair

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  16. Not only do I own a mum coat I specifically requested one one Christmas only specification was it must hace a good. Sigh.

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