Shoes: if you can make it out of your slippers. Congratulations! You've risen the ranks from a mere Mummy Soldier to a Sergeant Mummy Major. Your shoe of choice will be a sensible boot or Converse if it's summer. You will be thinking as these are quite pricey shoes you're kinda still modern and fashionable. But you're not. They are basically just expensive slippers. Perfect for comfort and speed.
Bottoms: jeans or the legging. Or in my case fourteeen months after the birth of my second child. Maternity leggings, which are easily the worlds most comfortable item of clothing. They stretch, they wash, they tumble dry and can be worn with pretty much anything. Amazing, versatile, and if they ever go out of fashion? I'm royally screwed.
Top: a top of the smock variety. Feeling fancy? Add a belt round your waist. I own a range of flowery dresses. The addition of flowers somehow makes me forget I'm just wearing a baggy, oversized top. Of course to be worn with leggings. Or if I'm worried the Mums at ballet class think I'm looking frumpy? I will pop on a statement necklace. The only statement being I look a bit of a tramp with a jazzy necklace on.
Hair: now it used to be a rule of thumb; have a baby, get all your hair cut off. Not so. Not now the da da daaaaaa messy bun has been introduced! The saviour of the modern Mother. Hair a mess? Hey presto, one bobble later, a smidge of dry shampoo (talc in a posh tin) and you basically look like a model. Albeit it a model in baggy leggings with sick down your flowery smock.
Going out (some hope!) clothes: see all of the above. But the flowery dress? Bit low cut oh and replace boots or Converse with a sensible heel. Ok not a heel. That would be a bit much and your feet would hurt. A jazzy ballet flat. A sparkly one maybe? Leggings? Sponge off the dirt, fabreeze and you're good to go.
Coat and bag: to compete the Mummy's Army look at all times your must carry a bag large enough to hold both gloves, a sun hat and everything in between. But not large enough to totally tip your buggy over whilst your child is still in it (it only happened once I swear! Ok twice). And finally to make you feel properly in the Army. The Mother of all coats. The parka. It's got a hood so keeps your messy bun dry, it's long enough to hide the top of your maternity leggings, and also if you choose wisely it can even go in the tumble dryer. Bloody marvellous! And Kate Moss wore one once I'm sure.
Extravagant extras: go on treat yourself to some nice socks. You overall may look a total state but I tell you for free if you're at a soft play with holes in your socks, or they are a bit grubby? I will judge your mothering skills.
So you're all kitted out! You're ready to go to the frontline whether it be the playground, or rhythm and rhyme or just an escape to the park. Rain? You can't attack us! Mud? We will fight you and pop our Converse in the machine! Children try as you might the sand and paint from messy play will not ruin our flowery smocks! We are ready for you. Prepared. And we will win!
(We won't win. They will always win. Was trying to be motivational. Obv).