Monday, 12 May 2014

Miss Bad Cop

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Miss Bad Cop
Most recently seen holding down my sobbing toddler, whilst I took her hair for an overdue chop
You will often hear me shout "say sorry", as they try to kill each other
And see me dragging my girl to the naughty step, after she's violently poked her brother


I plan the days out, make picnics, and stand holding the many bags
Whilst they swan about on the Peppa rides, having 'quality time' with their Dad
I researched potty training, and got the sods to sleep through the night
I pureed bloody butternut squash, and removed dummies as they clung tight

I have sleepless nights about preschool, and worry all the time
And when they have tantrums in Asda, I pretend that aren't mine
I have taught them "please" and "thank you", and how to count to ten
I spend my days off going round dead crap farms and saying "ohh look at that (*ucking) hen"


I braved it alone through injections, health visitor appointments and the docs
I've cleaned up crap a plenty, offering bribes in the form of chocs
My shifts are never ending, I worry through the night
I plan and plot and think and hope, that I am doing my job right

The average cop gets donuts and hot, fresh, steaming coffee
I live off half eaten waffles, petit filous, and the odd cup of stone cold tea
I'm mean, I shout, I scold, I teach and sometimes make them cry
But when they say "I love you Mummy" it leaves me on a high


So yes, I am Miss Bad Cop, and Daddy is much more fun
But I know where that doll she loves lives, and puts 'magic' cream on his sore bum
When they count to ten, or say "excuse me" in a shop
I know I've done my job right but know this job will never stop

I will be there when you have yours, and feel like you're losing the plot
I will come round and help you out, and babysit a lot
But then you will be the bad cop, and look like the nasty man
And I will fill them with chocolate, Mc Donalds and cuddles because then I will be the Nan.

38 comments:

  1. This is ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Thanks! Glad you liked it lovely! xxx

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  2. Fabulous and so true! But, do you know what? Now my kids are 12, 10 and 8 something strange has happened - Daddy has become the bad cop! He's always on at them about tidiness and I feel I've taught them most of the 'rules' and now I just want us all to relax and enjoy life a bit more.

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    1. That has made me so happy! I cannot wait till this day comes. All I ever do is tell them off or shout or clean up after them. I want my happy days soon! xxx

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  3. I think it's good to let your children know how you feel - even if that feeling is seriously peeved! I have seen 'polite families', and they may not have the dramas, but they sure don't have the fun either (in my opinion). Keep up the good work! #sharewithme

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    1. Thanks glad you enjoyed it. We defo have lots of lovely times but also sometimes? It can be a nightmare! Ha ha ha xxx

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  4. Brilliant poem Emma! And oh so true. Standing with the bags while daddy gets to have all the fun definitely resonates!! #sharewithme

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  5. This is fabbo, Blonde Em! I love how Mario always looks so pleased to see you, his arms thrown open for a big hug. Even Miss Bad Cop needs a hug sometimes. I shall give you a big beer hug at #BritMumsLive. You just try and stop me. xx #sharewithme

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    1. I shall accept your beer hug and offer you a gin twerk. Oh it will be great! xxx

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  6. I agree with Sarah, the same thing has happened in our house - daddy is now bad cop yay! Brilliant piece of writing!

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    1. I cannot wait for that day! Cmon Bad Cop Dad! xxx

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  7. Love this, and I'm always Mrs Bad Cop, whereas daddy is Fun Time Frankie. I have a sneaking suspicion this will all change when he hits his teens, I'm just biding my time ;-) xx

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    1. Fun Time Frankie ha ha ha! Is that from Friends? Or am I mad? I shall bide my time too xxx

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  8. Lol, this is fantastic emma! So so so true. xx #sharewithme

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    1. Thanks hun. Glad you like it? Hope the bump is fine and dandy xxx

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  9. I am so the bad cop. Bugger. I need to sort that out ASAP. I wanna be the good one *going shop for sweets as we speak.* funny post again ya loonbag xx

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    1. Thanks bab! I will never be the good cop. It makes me fume :( xxx

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  10. I absolutely love this! Such a fab way of summing up how many of us feel xx #brilliantblogposts

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    1. Ahhh thanks! Really glad you enjoyed it! xxx

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  11. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING POEM!!! I Love every bit of it. It makes me want to write in all capitals just to shout out how great it is. My favorite poem ever. Thank you ever so much for sharing this one on Share With Me. I am off to share it now with the world because it's so GREAT!!! Did I say I love it? Yes, I did but one more time won't hurt. THIS IS AMAZING!!! hahah #sharewithme

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    1. I am reading this in a very loud American voice! He he he! Glad you enjoyed it lovely xxx

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  12. This is fabulous - so funny and very true. Victoria Welton's blog has a linky every Thursday called Prose4T which invites bloggers to post their poetry and prose. This would be ideal for that. Loved reading these and awesome use of photos xx #sharewithme

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    1. Ohhh I shall do that. I enjoy writing a poem for some reason. I like trying to get words to rhyme. I am like a child. Thanks for the heads up! xxx

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  13. This is great! Made me smile and brought back some memories. I was ALWAYS bad cop when I was married. Now I'm a single parent, and the kids are 13 & 11, I'm mostly good cop. It's much better!

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    1. Ah glad you enjoyed it. I hope I am good cop at some point. I just spent the evening making a big playhouse for my girl. You know she will thank her Dad!! Grrrr xxx

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  14. Genius and made me lol-not fair Daddy's get to be good cop is it! Same here but I get more cuddles at least! Loved this! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

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    1. I must admit I do get lots of cuddles. Especially of the boy. Who is dead clingy. Lovely chap that he is xxx

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  15. I just scanned the comments cause I can't believe I didn't leave one before - I totally did in my head!! I adore this poem- particularly the bit about the farms. I hate farms!! :) You never fail to amaze me with your talent Miss Em xxx

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    1. Ah thanks brown haired Em! Roll on BritMums. CAN'T BLOODY WAIT! xxx

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  16. I know I did leave a comment before but just re-read for P4T and it made me giggle again - especially the bit about the *ucking hen! :-)

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  17. You pictures with this are brilliant, haha.

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    1. Oh the models were hard to work with ;) xxx

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  18. Think the pics are Fisher Priceless! Every mum can relate to this poem one way or another and so tongue in cheek too! Brilliant!

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    1. Fisher Priceless has really really made me laugh!!! Ha ha ha xxx

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  19. I utterly, utterly LOVE this!!! So well written and something I can totally associate with - it ends brilliantly too! Thank you for linking to Prose for Thought :) x

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