Thursday, 5 June 2014

00Mum - License to Lie

Kids god love em. The annoying thing about them is that they are always looming around. Like ALL THE BLOODY TIME! One can't leave a child alone really. As I suppose it could be seen as a bit dangerous. What with the possibility of them falling over, or smashing things or eating dog food (dog food may have (did) only happened once) and so on. So it's time to get clever. With no formal training you have to become a double agent. One half caring parent whilst the other? Cunning, lying, calculating adult. With the main aim of pulling the wool over your little lovelies eyes.

Sit here. And watch tele whilst I wee.

Mission: To eat a chocolate bar. Undiscovered.
Healthy eating blah blah. We should promote fruit and veg blah blah. All we want to do after a long day going slowly insane by being stuck in the house with two tiny tots is eat a bit of chocolate in peace. This can be done in the following ways 1) eat with head in fridge whilst 'looking' for grapes 2) say "look at that, Mr Tumble is in the garden" and consume the whole thing in two pieces 3) pretend it is medicine.

Mission: To drink tea. Warm.
Planning is key with this one. A Peppa episode lasts four minutes. So go, go, go! Kettle on. Pour. Stew for a minute and drink within two. OK so you may scald your mouth but that's better than tepid tea with floaty milk bits or the odd renegade raisin (seriously those b*stards get everywhere).

You play with this. I'm off to watch Made in Chelsea.

Mission: To watch the remainder of Made in Chelsea. In peace.
You only have 20 minutes to find out who Spencer's shagged. You know that this is not appropriate for your toddler (curse you morals) so you organise the 'great jigsaw challenge!'. Get out every jigsaw your child has ever got ever in the world ever, in another room. And say. If you can get all of these done. You can win a prize (to be thought of at your leisure). Relax and watch the reality drama unfold. *Optional - hide at least two pieces to delay completion*.

Mission: To wee. Alone.
Again Peppa is four minutes which is time to wee. However if you feel four minutes will not suffice and you don't fancy your toddler watching and questioning "why does it look like that?" then I am sorry to say. The only way forward is? Biscuits and an episode of Mickey Mouses Clubhouse (20 minutes should be enough?). If this settles the little mites for a bit then by all means read the latest copy of Heat whilst you poo. Multi-tasking is key when being a parent.

In case of emergency? Provide biscuits.

Mission: To leave the house. Undetected.
We all need a break. You've got a babysitter but you know for sure sobbing will ensue as you try to leave for a, some say treat I say basic human right, haircut. You could always revert to Peppa but this may have been used for tea breaks throughout the day, there's no way you can humanly fill them with any more biscuits, jigsaws throughout the house have been completed (even the ridiculously hard Thomas one). So. There is only one way to do this. And that is? A bare faced lie of where you are going. I always use "I am off to clean". No specifics. Just clean. Works a bloody treat!

Once you have completed all five missions successfully you are ready to tackle others such as 'have a phone call without your child screaming throughout' or 'eating a bag of crisps in front them and not having to share' or 'listening to grown up music in the car'. But baby steps. Being a double agent is hard. Now got to go. I have a four minute window to drink tea, wee and finally eat the kids last Easter egg, sorry I mean take my 'medicine'.

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Family Friday

31 comments:

  1. LOLZ! Told Boo a packet of Twirls was my medicine today- works everytime!! And always do the looking for grapes in the fridge bit!
    Love the puzzles idea! Good luck with your next missions 00Mum! X

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    1. Everytime! I recks we got till they are six. And then my friend? We are screwed xxx

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  2. Ha ha. Love it. I always am 'going to do a wee message'! Showing my age with that I think!

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    1. Mmmmloving wee message! I am so going to use this little gem! xxx

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  3. Tee hee! I'm definitely in the same school of parenting as you Emma although I *always* make them listen to grown up music in the car (if you can call Radio 1 'grown up'!). I have to say though, the jigsaw thing would *totally* not work with JJ - he would back in to me every five seconds for help! Other than that - tick, tick, tick! :-)

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    1. I have started selling my music as 'Mummy' music and for some reason this seems to be quite exciting in the eyes of a 3yo! xxx

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  4. The phone call thing still happens now with a teenager. I thoroughly applaud your methodology here though! #PoCoLo

    (Hope you don't mind me asking here. Have you seen the new #FamilyFriday link? - http://bit.ly/1q14Qc6 This post would fit in well there, too!)

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  5. We have the same modus operandi! Hehe.. so many things we come up with to have some me time. Clever! #pocolo

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  6. Ha!! This totally reminds me of something I saw on Facebook last night.. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1492988090933299&set=a.1440701059495336.1073741827.1438941646337944&type=1&theater

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    1. Ha ha ha! It is very similar isn't it. The girl watching me on the loo whilst the boy plays with new tampons. A low light of my day xxx

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  7. I've given up trying to have a phone call with the kid in tow, not worth the stress, especially as last time he fell off a chair and lets just say, it got bloody. Oops! (He was fine, but milked it for all it was worth)
    Luckily, he doesn't like chocolate so I can eat that in peace, yay! Xx

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    1. YOUR CHILD DOES NOT LIKE CHOCCY??? You lucky lucky sod xxx

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  8. pahaha I love this post, you are very inventive ;) #archiveday x

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  9. Oh I loved reading this post I am going to use ur useful tips to become a top double agent lol #bloghopweekend

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    1. Yes. And I like to think you are trying to watch Made in Chelsea! xxx

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  10. Brilliant! My nephew often asks for more chocolate/biscuits etc. which is often met with "oh no it's all gone" (as I sneak a piece)

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    1. I use the "sorry it's run out" trick about 50 times a day. Works a total treat xxx

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  11. Oh dear god I have all this to come, he's only 5months at the moment haha great post, made me giggle (and weep) lol

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  12. I bought a travel mug to get over the cold tea. Unfortunately it works a bit too well, so my mouth is always full of blisters! Oh, have you ever seen Michael McIntyre say his kids love Where's Wally, so to keep them quiet he coloured Wally in and they've been looking for him for days?! This may be a viable option for the future! #FamilyFriday

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  13. Thanks for linking up! #FamilyFriday

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  14. At 8 months I haven't needed to lie to Grace yet... but to her mummy when she's at work and I'm on day care duties....

    "What mark on her leg/head/arm? No, no idea how that got there"
    "Of course I remembered to brush her teeth this morning"
    "no I didn't just put her in the Jumperoo and spend an hour blogging... "

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  15. Love it. Made me giggle throughout and remember the ways I have tried to get a little peace. I must say with having older ish ones, now it's easier to get my toddler to leave the room because she plays with her older brothers. They also don't bug for my sweets anymore after I started asking them to share theirs. (I think it's only fair). Mission 5, out of the house is still a problem with them asking where I am going and can they come? But usually this is solved by telling them grandma is coming to watch them (which means sweets and getting away with everything) so they settle down quite quickly. It's if I'm leaving them with my hubby that's I have to lie or sneak out.

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  16. That's a great idea!!! Love it! I need a hot tea thing. I am sick of cold grim tea xxx

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  17. You have made me laugh thinking about all off the things I have done over the years to get away with two minutes peace, or something naughty to eat.
    To get more freedom in the chocolate department while they are still short, I suggest you aim for something small, like m&m's or buttons that you can keep the bag opened in a drawer that you 'just need to look in for something'. that way you can get a little hit relatively unseen if you just walk away before munching, obviously don't hide your stash in drawers they can get into. There is a limit on how many years you can get away with this if the drawer is in the same room, but other rooms have drawers/high shelves too ;D #FamilyFriday

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  18. Ha! Loving your renegade raisins. I am so with you on those bastards. They're like cockroaches - they've even survive a nuclear blast. Great post as always. #pocolo

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