Monday, 14 July 2014

Forget the Kids - TV's made Mummy braindead

Sometimes I may put the tele on for the kids to watch. Only ever so often. For example if they are ill, or if I am ill, if they are tired, or I am tired, or if I want to wash up or if they are being insane or...OK, OK yeah they watch quite a bit of tele. I am solely in charge of two toddlers for 11 whole long hours. Without a few minutes of respite I would lose my tiny mind. But somehow? In the 'exhausted shadow of my former self' role of mother I also, by osmosis, end up watching this crap.

I sit there. I get engrossed in plots. I drift off into a land of Ha Hoos and Miss Rabbits and Nanny Plums and Mr Tumbles. And whilst I am transfixed. I often have intense inner dialogue with myself about the finer workings of these programmes. I pick holes in the story lines. I assess the characters. I am a loser. So behold. Here are some of the things that cross my mind when shoving soggy malted milks into my mouth and trying to have a quick cup of luke warm tea:

Oi Daisy. Stop trying to get off with my husband

Upsy Daisy is a bit of a tease
Is it just me. Or is Upsy Daisy a bit of a one? There's all this weird flirty tension between her and IgglePiggle - yeah she let's him have a kiss ever so often and also makes her skirt blow up to show her pants. But shouldn't they be getting a bit more serious by now? And don't get me started and the weird threesome that is the Tomliboos.

The Bubble Guppie's CANNOT SING
Why oh why oh why is a programme based on singing hybrid mer-children sung by the worlds actual worst singers. WHY. Tell me WHY! It makes me so cross. It's off key. Oh god it's so horrific. I have to walk out the room whilst humming "line up everybody line up line up" - but at least I hum it IN TUNE.

Potatoes can't talk
Yes pigs can't talk. OK dogs can't talk. And on the same vein pigs and ponies are not the same size but Pedro and Peppa are exactly the same height (?). But I'm sorry Mr Potato is seriously unrealistic 1) he's ginourmous like so much bigger than even Madame Gazelle 2) he's a vegetable and they don't talk (stop saying pigs don't talk either. I do understand. I'm not stupid).

Granny Murry can do one
If I was running late for work, and I dropped my lovely children off to Granny Murry to look after and she stopped me as I was rushing off to say something cryptic like "sometimes the things you are looking for are behind you my dear", I would smile politely, walk up those stairs and mutter "f*ck off" under my breath.

Is Mr Bloom really fit?
I fancy Mr Bloom. Unreasonably. But I'm not sure if it is because he genuinely is really fit or if it's all relative? Like you know when you have to fancy someone due to boredom (or is that just me?) and so you just pick the best of a bad lot. So between Mr Maker and Mr Tumble - Mr Bloom is by far the best and hottest option.

A mere picture of Mr Bloom provokes this reaction. It's for the best I NEVER meet him

Topsy and Tim's Mother is a nause
Sigh, my daughters new obsession. The faux pigtails. The smug voices. But the Mum? Good god what's her ish? Now are Mum's all like that and maybe I'm just a really bad example? But she's like a bit of a nause isn't she? A bit tepid and brain dead? Or maybe secretly she's evil. And forces Topsy to wear fake hair? Who knows. And she looks younger than me. For that alone. I don't like her.

I have numerous other thoughts involving Barbie's parents (where are they???), what came first Sharky and Bones the real human singers, or Jake and the Neverland Pirates the cartoon? I am aware I could probably be alone in this endeavour, maybe you are all setting up messy play, or baking or just being super mum. But sometimes, I enjoy the odd moment of floating off from the daily mayhem and thinking about how potatoes can't talk (stop saying pigs don't either. I KNOW!).

Ok fess up. Do you fancy Mr Bloom? 
What crosses your mind when you hear the bingly bongly song? 
Or you are an ace parent who manages no telly?

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53 comments:

  1. My little one is a bit too young for TV, so I've no idea who Mr Bloom is, but my mother confessed she fancies Mr Tumble and if she had her way he'd be my new stepdad *shudder*

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    1. URGH! That has made me a bit sick in my mouth!!! xxx

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  2. Love it, what a fab read. This is the kind of thing I would do. I too am alone with 2 preschoolers all day and Peppa Pig is the programme of choice at the moment. I also find that I'm sat watching the kiddies programmes and then realise I'm the only one in the room?!

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    1. OMG YES! I do this ALLLLLLLLL the time. Or listen to Disney in the car #loser xxx

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  3. Such a funny post!!!!! Think you have captured what secretly happens in the brains of many many mothers across the land. I often think Pedro Pony gets targeted alot...the poor guy seems to get alot of flack in my opinion. :-)

    www.lauraevelynbee.co.uk

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    1. Poor, poor size of a pig Pedro Pony xxx

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  4. It's Charlie and Lola's parents I always wonder about...!! Where are they???

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    1. Yeah that's a good point he is in charge of Lola like all the time isn't he??? Odd xxx

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  5. I am with you on all of these - plus I have MAJOR issues with Postman Pat. I regularly have a massive rant at Granny Murray and as for Bob the Builder: 1. Planning permission? 2. How quickly does building work actually take?
    Also, I don't like my girls watching Mr Bloom for fear that friendly, talking veg may be an excuse for them to not eat butternut squash.

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    1. I wouldn't hire Pat or Bob. They would get the sack in the real world!!! xxx

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  6. Of those, I only know Peppa because my daughter watches her obsessively on YouTube. The one that drives me crazy though, is Barney. Like your show, The Bubble Guppies, nobody on Barney can sing to save their life.

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    1. Now Barney is something we have never seen you know. I may have to have a look as I feel my little boy may enjoy such a thing xxx

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  7. Ha ha - so laughing at the granny murray bit, i can't get that song out my bloody head - like a buzy bee....
    and yes upsy daisy is a massive slag - says it all she drags her bed around with her.

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  8. "Bye bye honey pie!"
    Yeah, Granny Murray can do one. Don't need that sort of chirpiness before 7am.

    But I do quite like Peppa Pig, which is a good thing as we have it on catch up every single day. It's not so much the talking potato that bothers me (although, yeah, what's that about?!) but the non-talking pets. The pigs, donkeys, dogs, cats etc. can all talk, but not the goldfish, hamsters or tortoises? Bizarre.

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    1. NON TALKING PETS!!! You are right! Oh my god you are so right!!! I hadn't even thought about that. Oh now that shall bother me too! xxx

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  9. Love this! I think we've all done it. For me it was Balamory. In my most tired/ pregnant/ brain dead moments, I would wonder how the characters KNEW that on this occasion when somebody walked into the nursery it would be the time they would say 'what's the story in Balamory?' and not just some casual visit.
    Probably something to do with the script and the fact it isn't actually real.

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    1. Never ever a casual visit. That Policeman would always go in and end up running a disco. Even though surely he has better things to do??? Stupid programme. And the teacher has stupid hair xxx

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  10. Ha I'm in hysterics!!!! I am constantly picking holes in peppa pig. Bubble guppies singing is the WORST sound in the world xx

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    1. What time is it? It's time for lunch. What time is it? It's lunch time. SOD OFF!!!! xxx

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  11. My children don't watch TV - they are busy playing violin or learning Mandarin. I prefer them to play outdoors then watch other children play outdoors in mindless TV programmes! I is of course JOKING - I have nightmares that the TV might break one day. And I saw Bloom first! xx you are on fire at the min xx

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    1. Bloom will always be mine. It's in my blog now. BACK OFF! xxx

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  12. Upsy Daisy is a tart!
    I know a lot of mums like Mr Bloom and his marrow growing expertise but I'm an older mum - in my forties - so Titchmarsh is more my bag lol
    I'm sure you'd love Mr Bloom to show you what he's got! *coughs*

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    1. Your marrow tweets made me laugh so much. I shall be done for being a stalker! xxx

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  13. Happy to say that I have moved on from all of this, but I am feeling your pain & can remember being too knackered to do anything than sit & watch with my own daughters when they were tiny. Eventually your offspring will evolve & watch all sorts of things you'd rather they didn't, so my advice would be enjoy Mr Bloom while you can!

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    1. Oh I shall! Oh god I dread the days of them watching like rude programmes. That worries me so so so greatly! xxx

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  14. Haha I love this. Granny Murray drives me insane. Plus she's really young so completely isn't a granny at all. And what about the weird pairings of the couples in that programme, there are some seriously odd things going on in Riversea Fingle. I saw Mr Maker Live last week and think he may just have the edge over Mr Bloom though. x

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    1. Oh was Mr Maker nice? Is he tall? I think he seems like a nice man. Bloom just has the edge on it for me. I like his wellies xxx

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  15. After a bad day at the office (i'm a stay at home mom of two little people) - this post is just what i needed to read! The Granny Murry one made me laugh out loud and as for Topsy's mom, well she is a bit of a whore bag as she is having a bit of Max Branning on Eastenders and moonlighting as a murder detective, hope this makes you feel better! Great post fellow Brummie! :)

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    1. Yay! Glad I made you smile. My friend said exactly the same thing about Topsys Mum! Ha ha ha! That has made me smile! xxx

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  16. I agree with it all. So funny. Granny Murray (and all of them on that programme) are seriously weird. No-one who looks after kids all day is that happy. I bet she is on 40-a-day and drinks whisky for breakfast. Another brilliant post x x x x

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    1. Oh yeah she fo sure drinks gin on her cornflakes that one xxx

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  17. I had to look up the answer to the Sharkey & Bones question when the same thing occurred to me in a moment (hour) of boredom. The live action guys (Loren Hoskins and Kevin Hendrickson) are part of a genuine "pirate rock" band in Portland, and were approached by Disney to do the music for Jake. They are just generic "other pirates" in the earlier Peter Pan/Captain Hook tales.

    And in answer to your other questions, Granny Murray needs reporting to social services, she shouldn't be childminding a dog (and can generally do one), Mr Bloom is fit as sin, and the small child that claims to be presenting Art Attack is not a patch on Neil Buchanan.

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    1. THANKS FOR THE NEVER ENDING DISPUTE SOLVING of bloody Sharkey and Bones! I am so happy I know this. Me and my mother discussed it constantly! xxx

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  18. Ha ha - I want to push grandma Murray in the Thames! We rarely have the TV now but only because it turned my boisterous boy into an angry head so its easier without it!

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    1. Oh god yes - for the best. My boy won't watch it very much really. My girl would watch it for 24hrs if she could xxx

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  19. This is genius. Yes, I think we all agree that Upsy Daisy is a total tart who we wouldn't trust with our husbands after a few glasses of Oo juice. For some reason Grandpa in my Pocket really presses all my buttons (not the good ones).

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  20. I'm not sure what's the worst part: the insanely irritating lead kid Jason, the fact that he always says "not the shrinking cap Grandpa!" despite knowing that he always 'saves the day', the fact that I know the property it's filmed in only has 1 bedroom, or that Jim Bolan is an actor worthy of so much more...
    Rant over.
    Oh and yes - Topsy and Tim's mum is a body snatcher. Clearly.

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    1. Even my kids had Grandpa in my Pocket. The children on that are so odd? Like robots??!!! xxx

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  21. Me Bloom? Really? I far prefer Mr Tumble! My daughter is OBSESSED by Topsy & Tim..I don't mind the Mum but they are NOT 4 years old and too bloody perfect.

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    1. No they are about 7 or 8! They left nursery the other day? I could not get my hat on!!! xxx

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  22. Crying with laughter. Please tweet cbeebies this post, Tops's Mum is totally vacant (bad acting) doesn't help. Love this x

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    1. Oh god if I sent this to CBeebies they may ban me from watching their channel which would never do! xxx

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  23. Hahha Hilarious!!! My kids are strictly disney watchers as we keep the american tv on mostly. lol But I have heard many of these comments from friends with kids. mr Bloom you are too funny!!! Mr P and I get so engrossed in the cartoons half the time we finish watching an episode when the kids go to bed. We are sad I know. lol Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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    1. I have sat there so many times just watching those bloody cartoons and the kids have left the room!!! So sad xxx

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  24. Ha great post :)

    I use to find myself watch their programmes when they had left the room. Mine are older and I've not heard of these but i loved Bananas in pj's (original one, with real men inside) and Barney, ha in fact i could still watch these now!! Love them lol

    Thanks for sharing over at the weekend blog hop :)

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    1. Oh Barney! I think my little boy would like Barney. Maybe I need to get him on it? He's not a fan of much else. Thanks for hosting! xxx

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  25. Love this post! Can I add a couple of things - 1. Do you remembered the p***** up episode of In the Night Garden when they all get ratted on some funny juice in the Pinky Ponk? Best episode ever.

    2. Yes Mr Bloom is fit, but very boring. I did a telephone interview with him once and he was like a RADA lovey. Full of street theatre and the like. Mr Maker was much friendlier and funnier.

    #WTTWBH

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    1. WHAT YOU SPOKE TO HIM AND HE WASN'T NORTHERN!???? I am so sad now. I wanted him to be my real life gardener :( xxx

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  26. Not quite sure what the attraction is with Mr Bloom... Maybe you're right about him being the best of a bad lot? I've never really thought this much in depth about Upsy Daisy before but you're right - complete tart! Your thoughts on Granny Murray? Ha ha! Great post Em X #sharewithme

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    1. Oh she's such a tart with that skirt!! xxx

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  27. I won a meet and greet for my little girl with Mr Bloom the other year at a garden festival he was doing a little show for. It turned out to be on the same day as one of my best friends weddings damn it haha. He's not my cup of tea but seems like a nice bloke but saying that I gave my meet and greet prize to a friend and her three boys who said the same but after meeting him she decided he was actually pretty fit lol. I felt I'd hit a new low when reacting to seeing Dr Ranj at Salford keys like he was a major celebrity. Oh dear! xx

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  28. Kat.s (Kittikat76)17 January 2015 at 08:04

    And why does Sarah live with a duck but no adult? Goes into town on her own etc.
    Postman Pat is the most expensive Postman on thd planet (helicopter/offroad vehicle/motorbike/van) who always fails in some way and always meddles in village life.
    And WHAT is Bing's "carer/companion" about?? He's a toddler. Who lives with an alien?? And dont get me started on Everythings Rosie... who lives on her own in a treehouse.
    AND why do the ducks in Peppa Pig quack, yet the pigs/rabbits/dogs/ponies ALL TALK???? Who decided that the ducks couldn't? ???

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  29. AAARRRGH LOVE this! But also a bit gutted as currently writing up something similar myself! Great minds eh?! x

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