Tuesday, 1 July 2014

The 'Guilt'

As you can tell from my blog I am a kinda happy go lucky person. I like a laugh and a joke, and I really love taking the micky out of myself (and yeah, yeah a little bit out of other people). But there is one feeling that I never realised would be so overwhelming with becoming a parent. And that feeling? Pure and utter never ending. Guilt.

I have been a full time working Mum, I have been a stay at home Mum and now I am a part time working Mum. And I tell all of you lovely women that work or don't work. Each of these scenarios? Equates to some sort of guilt. Guilt you're not with your children enough, guilt that when you are with your children you are not being super Mum and embracing messy play, whilst cooking a home baked lasagne for your long suffering husband. Now I'm part time? The guilt is about dropping out of a career path and not being able to provide my children with a snazzy big new house in a up and coming trendsome area (I know this does not matter but it's always at the back of my mind).

But for me? It doesn't just stop here. Before I talked about me just being a crap wife, the constant wearing of pyjamas and greasy hair combined with serving up waffles five nights a week. But I also feel guilt for ditching my friends. For the many times I have made plans, then cancelled them. Or turned up exhausted. Or got preggers and been miserable on hen dos or weddings or birthdays. I apologise to you all.

Bore off guilt! We did some actual messy play! I am super Mum!

For a while I felt guilt for myself. That sounds so weird doesn't it? But sometimes you can look outside of your body (I'm not an odd spiritualist honest!) and look at yourself and feel a bit sorry for 'you' can't you? I've not got the cash I used to have to buy myself dead posh frocks, I haven't got the time to invest in soap operas or long baths or reading Heat magazine. I crave for the days of getting proper, proper drunk and dancing around to The Nolans without a care in the whole wide world.

But recently? This guilt is easing. I'm not sure if it's that the sleepless nights are now far and few between. Also, I started this blog and found a confidence in myself I thought had long gone. I can post a picture of me doing something daft with my kids and a few kind people will say "that's great". I try to treat myself at least once a month to a nice dress or today I did a food shop at Waitrose (oh la laaa!). Just tiny things. Things when I was in my early 20's would have been a daily occurrence. But for now are utterly priceless.

So yep, guilt is still always there, popping up when I am having a cup of tea in my mates dead nice posh house, or when I am lying on the couch watching Peppa whilst my kids eat choccy biccys again and I think "Jeez, I should really get the paints out". But? When I am swanning around in my new Top Shop dress, eating some overpriced snacks. The never ending pounding guilt is a little bit quieter.

Do you feel guilty? What about? 
Or have you got a good balance? And if so, how?! 


Post Comment Love

29 comments:

  1. I'm pleased to hear that your guilt is easing, it's no fun when we feel so badly towards ourselves. In the early days of child rearing you have to be selfish sometimes, which can mean ditching people at the last minute. Hopefully they understood though, and haven't held it against you. As for hubby, I'm sure he doesn't mind endless waffles served in pjs ;-)

    I think guilt and religion often go hand in hand, and perhaps because I was brought up atheist I don't go in for unnecessary guilt. I have enough on my plate without adding that to the pile. My life revolves around my kids and hubby, and ultimately I have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Thought provoking post lovely xx #allaboutyou

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    1. I'm an atheist too! God knows where my guilt comes from. I do need to ease up on myself as I don't need to answer to anyone. As long as my kids are happy that's all that should matter. Thanks for the comment lovely xxx

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  2. Tut! I'd written a fab reply! However I'll narrow it down.
    1. I love reading your posts! They never fail to make me smile :)
    2. I feel guilty about not being a stay at home mum, baking cakes and lovingly preparing wholesome cooked meals!
    3. I feel guilty about having Alfie at after-school club till 5.15 2 days a week!
    4. I don't however, feel guilty about going out with chums or hubs or buying myself a new outfit or nail varnish or make-up
    xx

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    1. I JUST BROUGHT NEW MAKE UP! And I felt no guilt. HOORRRAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! and I am glad I make you smile. That makes me happy xxx

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  3. Guilt! It's been in full force here this week. I feel like my younger kids have become experts in pointing out every little thing that I don't make completely fair, etc. Good to know I'm not the only one dealing with it and like you, it lessens for awhile and then reappears! #allaboutyou

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    1. Oh I am a teacher and children have such a special talent for pointing out when things 'aren't fair'. I think is doesn't help that sometimes I forget what I say! xxx

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  4. Love this post. that is all. x

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  5. I feel a little bit guilty about, like you say, never getting the paints out. I read other people's crafting posts and sometimes it looks so easy and the children seem to love it but its just never on my agenda and I start worrying that maybe they're growing up deprived! Also there's the whole guilt for the second child - never doing all the baby groups, singing, baby massage, sensory, you name it - they miss out on the lot, poor little buggers! Never feel guilty for doing things for yourself though (and if its any consolation, I'm the same about house-envy but I figure find a friend who lives in a hovel and then compare down not up :-) - just saying) X #allaboutyou

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    1. LOVE find a friend in a hovel! Ha ha ha ha. That has really really made me giggle!!! Oh yeah my second defo fairs worse than the first. However the one thing is I am a little more relaxed so he benefits because of that I suppose xxx

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  6. Yep. I have all the guilt too. I wish I'd homeschooled my eldest but now she's been in the school system too long & it wouldn't do her any good to change now.

    I now feel guilty that I don't do enough with my toddler. She's very much "free range". My eldest went to every group & did messy play at home every week. My youngest? Yeah, Peppa Pig & chocolate biscuits is closer to the mark.

    Then the guilt about myself. That I don't take enough care of myself. Then guilt if I do spend any money on me. Guilt that I don't do enough for my husband. Or that he does too much for me. Guilt that I ask too much from my mum.

    Guilt guilt guilt. Totally pointless. Why can't we just ditch all the guilt & be a bit kinder to ourselves?!

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    1. My boy is defo free range as you say. And have you seen Peppa Pig biscuits? Combine our great two loves. I defo get so much guilt for not being with the hub. It is so pointless. We are just being really hard on ourselves aren't we? Let's make a pact to try and stop! xxx

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  7. Great post. I have too done it all, worked and not with my boys and just yesterday said to a friend asking me what to do "Its all awful" the only way I think to cope (well apart from running away...already considered twice before 9am today) is to try and except it, I'm still not there. How many dads are asked/worrying about "How they cope with the work life balance?" 0! I never expected the 'Shame Train' when I imagined having kids...some days are just insane. Sorry to gate crash your blog but here is one I wrote a few weeks ago...might make you feel better. http://ashliesugarrushed.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/the-day-i-broke.html The day I broke..... xxx

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    1. Oh will totally go and have a look in a bit. I had a breakdown in Dunelm Mills with the two of them over some half priced Yankee Candles. That was a dark moment!! With hindsight taking two small children to a place with lots of breakables is not ideal! xxx

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  8. Having son 3 helped with guilt as I knew it it was waste of emotion. But still creeps in everyday. Felt guilty this morning on tube at making 4 year old cry whilst trying to get him to neighbours house. Then felt guilty she had to cope with stroppy toddler then felt guilty that his brothers hadn't had a calm. Omg it's a minefield. Great post

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    1. It is a minefield! Mine are always weeping over some decision I have made. And all of them time I am doing it for the benefit of them. Hopefully as they get older they will appreciate it all xxx

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  9. I'm at home with kids, but run my business from home too so feel guilty trying to juggle both. If I haven't done any work, I can't relax, and feel guilty until I've done what I've needed to do, but then I feel guilty that my mind is elsewhere! Can't win! I always feel I SHOULD be doing more with them, or that the telly has been on too much, but I remind myself that I had the telly on constantly as a child, and I still have a degree and am relatively sane!

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    1. YES! I had the TV on all the time. My Mom said she used to put me in a play pen and we just watched tele. She thinks I do a bit too much to be honest. There is a pressure isn't there from others as well I think xxx

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  10. I find it hard to deal with the guilt - I work part time and I feel guilty I'm not working more hours, guilty I'm not always spending time with Z and then guilty that I'm not doing anything that well! Maybe there should be a big mitherhood confessional conference so we can all offload and feel much much better :)

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    1. YAY! Like BritMums but we all just weep and shout and eat cake and make each other feel better. You're onto something there hun. I would so pay!!! ;) xxx

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  11. Very thought provoking post, can totally understand. I am feeling guilty as a dad to be when I am working late leaving my wife and bump at home, but it's part of my job and you can't have the nice house and security without the job to pay for it. From a man's perspective I would say as long as you are happy and your children are happy and content then any guilt is worth it. There is so much pressure on mums nowadays to be the perfect Stepford Wife frankly it's getting beyond a joke. My dad gave me some advice: "If your son is crying, comfort him, if he happy laugh with him, if he active engage with him and if his arms are open love him" Good advice....#PoCoLo

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    1. Ah that is beaut advice isn't it! My hub thinks I am doing a great job. Sometimes I do think as he comes home and the house is all nice and clean that maybe it is easier that it is? I don't think he has dome a full day 7-6pm like I have done. Wonder what he would think? I need to just relax a little bit I think xxx

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  12. Well goodness me, guilt hounds me like an unwanted, stinky old dog that follows you around wherever you go. Today I'm feeling guilty cos my daughter and I had a row before she left for school this morning. I inflicted a consequence which will take effect tomorrow and my dad advised me to perhaps retract it.......I now feel guilty that if I don't he will think I haven't listened to his advice and perhaps I'm damaging her......but if I don't carry it through, my youngest daughter will think it's unfair and I'm favourtising her sister! Eeek parenting is a tough gig, isn't it? Lovely post x

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    1. Oh god what a nightmare! As a teacher I always think if you set a consequence you should go through with it. Same with a reward. You shouldn't take one reward away from a child for something else they have done naughty. But then again? I know when mine are older my teacher skills will work no more! xxx

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  13. Love this. I feel guilty all the bloody time. But I think even if I wasn't working full time, there would be something else to be guilty about. Not sure we can shift it entirely but it gets better I think. xxx

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  14. Great post and you are sooo not alone in the guilt though i think it maybe gets easier over time? or it just changes. I am a SAHM and feel guilty about the money side of things and that even with being a SAHM i don't always have the time or energy to keep the house spotless, and if we do spend more time at home or I put Monkey in front of the TV so I can clean, then I feel guilty that Monkey isn't out socialising or learning new things etc. I think whatever path you choose you feel guilty for something, It's getting easier though, having been a SAHM for 2 years now I don;t feel guilt in the same ways that I did. Though I don't think all guilt will ever just evaporate! Lovely post hon xx #pocolo

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    1. Yeah as time goes on I am kind coming to terms with being part time and not being quite as well off before. When I was preggers and had a toddler I worried my focus wasn't on the toddler. Then the baby came and I focussed on the toddler! It was crazy! GUILT SUCKS! xxx

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  15. Its like since day 1 of me being a mother I also gave birth to another child whose name is guilt. Its just there. Never leaving my side. Sometimes its strong sometimes its mild but it is always there. Always reminding me to try better cuz I decided to have a child. So happy that yours is easing. Mine is not. Yet. #pocolo

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