I have been a full time working Mum, I have been a stay at home Mum and now I am a part time working Mum. And I tell all of you lovely women that work or don't work. Each of these scenarios? Equates to some sort of guilt. Guilt you're not with your children enough, guilt that when you are with your children you are not being super Mum and embracing messy play, whilst cooking a home baked lasagne for your long suffering husband. Now I'm part time? The guilt is about dropping out of a career path and not being able to provide my children with a snazzy big new house in a up and coming trendsome area (I know this does not matter but it's always at the back of my mind).
But for me? It doesn't just stop here. Before I talked about me just being a crap wife, the constant wearing of pyjamas and greasy hair combined with serving up waffles five nights a week. But I also feel guilt for ditching my friends. For the many times I have made plans, then cancelled them. Or turned up exhausted. Or got preggers and been miserable on hen dos or weddings or birthdays. I apologise to you all.
Bore off guilt! We did some actual messy play! I am super Mum!
For a while I felt guilt for myself. That sounds so weird doesn't it? But sometimes you can look outside of your body (I'm not an odd spiritualist honest!) and look at yourself and feel a bit sorry for 'you' can't you? I've not got the cash I used to have to buy myself dead posh frocks, I haven't got the time to invest in soap operas or long baths or reading Heat magazine. I crave for the days of getting proper, proper drunk and dancing around to The Nolans without a care in the whole wide world.
But recently? This guilt is easing. I'm not sure if it's that the sleepless nights are now far and few between. Also, I started this blog and found a confidence in myself I thought had long gone. I can post a picture of me doing something daft with my kids and a few kind people will say "that's great". I try to treat myself at least once a month to a nice dress or today I did a food shop at Waitrose (oh la laaa!). Just tiny things. Things when I was in my early 20's would have been a daily occurrence. But for now are utterly priceless.
So yep, guilt is still always there, popping up when I am having a cup of tea in my mates dead nice posh house, or when I am lying on the couch watching Peppa whilst my kids eat choccy biccys again and I think "Jeez, I should really get the paints out". But? When I am swanning around in my new Top Shop dress, eating some overpriced snacks. The never ending pounding guilt is a little bit quieter.