Sunday, 7 September 2014

Alternative Parenting Skills

So when you have a baby you are obviously meant to immediately become skilled in feeding them, changing their bum, getting them to sleep and all that jazz. But as they get older. You realise there are other skills you need. Some take time. Some come with ease. Some? I am yet to master. Maybe I will one day. By which time they will be 18 and won't give a sh*t any more.

Finding the f*cking dummy
Where oh where is the dummy? You know you brought ten of the sods at £5 a pair so why, when your baby is weeping is it nigh on impossible to find ONE. Just one. Any one! The ones you brought for 'best' or and old one. Just ONE! There has been times where I have resorted to a new born one with my 18 month old or even an old one my girl used to have that randomly appeared in an under the couch panic inspection.*

DO NOT LOSE THAT DUMMY!!!

Stopping naps in the car
Now. I'm not saying I have ever done this. But if one is ten minutes from home and one doesn't want ones child napping thus either a) wiping out the dream of the afternoon nap or b) sending the child into a rabid spin post ten minute stupid car nap. Well. One may drive with one arm on the wheel and one arm shaking the child's leg and hysterically singing a hastily made up "don't go to sleep tra la la laaaaa" song. But I've never done this. As it's dangerous. Ahem. 

Making a trip to Poundland exciting
You've come to the end of you maternity leave and you're skint. And you need to leave the house for fear of losing your tiny mind. So where do you go??? Poundland of course! My children think this is dream of all shops. And when I mention Poundland they yelp with joy. And when I can say they can choose whatever they like? The wonder in their eyes. I reckon this lasts for only a few years till they realise £1 is actually less than a loaf of bread and Poundland loses it's allure. Then? I am screwed.

This cost you a pound? Never!

Packing a small bag with everything you may ever need in the world ever. Ever
Ah the 'Mum' bag. You need to know how to pack a oversized bag and even if you go out for ten minutes you need everything ranging from a bog standard nappy to a sun hat to spare socks to snacks to a spare dummy (in case you lose one which you will then you won't be able to find the spare dummy). The Mum bag is a wondrous place but also a place where something as simple as a pack of baby wipes gets lost whilst you are covered in sick or there is poo leaking up your babies back.

Making the mundane. Marvellous
This takes the talent of an Oscar winning actress this one. Making the ordinary normal everyday crap, dead boring, tasks. Marvellous. "Who wants to go to the Post Office to go and see Postman Pat!?" you exclaim whilst clapping your hands with glee. In reality you want to say "We have to go to the local shop immediately as we have run out of toilet roll, and kitchen roll which could have been used as a substitute and baby wipes block the system and last time we used them your Dad told me off so we need to walk in the rain and buy a substandard product from the worlds most miserable shop assistant". But you leave, and sing all about his black and white cat as you jump in muddy puddles.

Hey guys! This. Is. So. Much. FUN!!!!!

There are other skills you need such as trying to win toys on a rip off clasper machine whilst your child weeps, not rolling ones eyes when your Mother in Law tries to force mittens on your child. Again. However small steps. I just found a quid under the couch whilst looking for the babies dummy so we are off to go and Spend Spend Spend!

*Yes we use a dummy. They make my children happy. No further discussion is needed unless you know of a dummy finding device.

40 comments:

  1. Love it! All so true.
    Law of sod - child number 3 gave up her dummies a few months ago, and I thought I'd thrown them all away - but keep finding the sodding things everywhere now!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That same thing happened when we thought we had got rid of my girls ones. We still find them now! xxx

      Delete
  2. You know the "Don't go to sleep" song too?!?! Do your lyrics also include various bribes in order to keep them awake eg "you can have some chocolate when we get home lalalaa or an ice cream lalalaa"?
    And it makes me sad that you have to add the dummy disclaimer at the bottom for the very reason you have added it. I think you will find that loads of parents use them, however it doesn't feel like it due to all the comments that are made when you "admit" to it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just thought urgh I may get the trolls so I wanted a disclaimer before they piped up! xxx

      Delete
  3. G never had dummies but L is bloody glued to hers. Except nighttime when it falls down the WRONG side of the cot along with probably the other 50! Gah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God when they drop down the side of the cot and you try to find them in the dark? Urgh! xxx

      Delete
  4. Haha, I've never done any of these! Especially not the singing, leg shaking in the car! My boys are 6 and 4 and still love the pound shop trip! So you've got a while yet ;) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! We went this morning! They ruddy loved it! xxx

      Delete
  5. Ha ha so true! I also random shout 'there's daddy' which keeps them awake :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dummies... dummies??? Ha just kidding - we have perfected all of these tips over the years - especially the NO-SLEEPING-IN-THE-CAR technique. My parents live in Manchester and we are Liverpool - so trying to keep the two babies awake there AND back is a nightmare! It's a good job we've got the skillz. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah the skillz of a mad screaming hollering woman. Sigh - poor sods xxx

      Delete
  7. We've never used dummies but I loves this '*Yes we use a dummy. They make my children happy. No further discussion is needed unless you know of a dummy finding device.' - hilarious! I can also relate to singing the don't go to sleep song and grabbing at the baby. No, never done that either! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just wanted to ensure I didn't get loads of abuse as per from a bunch of loon heads! xxx

      Delete
  8. I feel I need to do a Mummy-Brag (RE:There are other skills you need such as trying to win toys on a rip off clasper machine whilst your child weeps)

    In the last 2 weeks, I have won, not 1 ohhh no, BUT 2 (yep 2! TTTWWOOOO) Doc Mcstuffins toys AND full size soft toys at that and guess how much they cost me? Well Stuffy cost me £2 and Doc herself...get ready for this...40 frikkin PENCE...yep you read that right 40 flipping p!! :) End of Mummy-Brag!! PS Great post, love it and relate to it all, espesh the dummy thing and the Poundland thing!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You rock! My husband is really good at these as well. He won a giant George at Peppa World. We all screamed at the top of our voices! xxx

      Delete
  9. Love this - so very true! It doesn't seem to matter how many dummies are in the cot when they go to bed, you can guarantee that when they wake in the night, they'll have all completely vanished!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I gave him a new one this morning. And now? Has gone. WHERE HAS IT GONE???!!!!! xxx

      Delete
  10. Love this! We love dummies here, I may have even tried giving my 3 year old (who doesn't have them any more) his brothers dummy during a tantrum the other day just to make it stop, It didn't work! And in the car I find opening the windows and giving them a good blast of cold air does the trick ha x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That has made me laugh as I have done that with my girl before in a panic and she has just looked at me as if I am mental! xxx

      Delete
  11. Ha ha.. I understand. In the evenings i send my hubby on a 'dummy run'. He is much better at finding them than me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh loving 'dummy run' I will be using this tonight with my hub xxx

      Delete
  12. Brilliant - I've done ALL of these. We thanked our lucky stars that No. 2 didn't want a dummy at all (No. 1 was obsessed). Till we realised we now have no way of plugging the shouting. People look down on you if you use sweets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god it would make me weep without the dummy. Sigh. Thank the lord my two loved them and my girl just went cold turkey and never mentioned it again! xxx

      Delete
  13. Very funny and so relate to it: the 'don't fall asleep in the car' song is sometimes accompanied with a blast of the air conditioning to make it super cool to keep him awake. Ohh, is that wrong?!?! Very funny post xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like driving with all the windows open. Just screaming like a lunatic! xxx

      Delete
  14. {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252
    {\fonttbl\f0\fnil\fcharset0 ArialMT;}
    {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red34\green34\blue34;\red255\green255\blue255;}
    \deftab720
    \pard\pardeftab720\partightenfactor0

    \f0\fs26 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0
    \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 LOL \uc0\u55357 \u56877 I love the bloody dummy. It is a god send. Poundland has also become a go to in our household although the kid prefers TK-Maxx as they have 'bigger trucks' apparently. Champagne tastes! Great post xxx

    ReplyDelete
  15. All. Of. The. Above. 'Look, there's a CAT' works on dull trips to the shop AND keeping awake on car journeys. There is often no cat at all. Sometimes we have 15 dummies, sometimes 1. Where do they go? Gah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHERE DO THEY GO!!!! Can't wait till Sat hun xxx

      Delete
  16. Laughing so much at the hunt for a dummy in the night, we had a pocket on the side of the cot with spare ones in but by 4am they had all gone and your searching endlessly for a dummy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I need to invent a dummy holding side pocket for cots! You in with me? xxx

      Delete
  17. Fab post - soooo true, especially the dummies (yes, I'm one of those parents who swore blind we'd NEVER allow the demon suckies near my child's mouth... and by day three my champion sucker had decided otherwise, sigh). Added to that complication, dearly beloved son decided to only like the ones with a weird shape, which are nigh-on impossible to buy, so we've been resorting to a couple of old newborn ones and a novelty tache one in recent emergencies.

    Plus.... so jealous that you live near Warwick Castle! I grew up near there and can't wait to take my family there when they can appreciate it. I loves it.

    (Sorry for anon comment but I don't have a live blog at the moment...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh don't be jel bab! I go to Warwick Castly but live in inner city Birmingham! Not as glam! Ha ha ha xxx

      Delete
  18. Where DO the dummies go? It's weird: when we only had two, we never lost them. Now that we have eight, I only know where two of them are. I think they crawl away somewhere to hide.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We had ten. We now have two. Where are the other eight? Maybe my cat eats them? xxx

      Delete
  19. Dummies are THE BOMB! Seriously. I'd have lost my sanity without them. Screw the haters.

    Brilliant post. My two aren't at the "don't you dare fall asleep in the car" stage yet thankfully though it's good to know the tips for when they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Screw dummy haters! You will be singing the don't fall asleep song before very long lovely xxx

      Delete
  20. Brilliant! I have absolutely positively never driven along trying to keep Potato awake by shaking his leg and playing spot the red car. Never ever. Nu-uh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course you haven't as that would be dangerous ;) xxx

      Delete

leave me a comment! they make me happy bab...