Sunday, 21 September 2014

Who needs toys? When you can have free cr*p!

Christmas is coming up in just a few months and all sorts of weird and wonderful toys are cropping up on the tele from intricate Frozen dollys to robotic fish and everything in between. But even if you go out and spend a small fortune on every toy your child has ever dreamed of. You have forgotten one thing. Kids? Like free crap. Yep. Just free stuff. Not even good free stuff. Just normal everyday stuff you hastily shove in their hand to keep them quiet for a few minutes whilst you go about your everyday life. So forget toys! Just go and get a bag of this sh*it and enjoy a cheap and happy Christmas morning!

Hotel Maps
On the rare occasions my family and I are in a hotel. The first thing my children do is run to the, handily placed at toddler height, 'map holder thingy'. Yep. You know the one where there are a thousands maps of places that quite frankly are MILES away from where you are staying and you never have any intention of visiting. Each time your child walks past said 'map holder thingy' they pick one up. And as it is nigh on impossible on staying in a hotel room for more than twenty minutes with small children. This means you end up with 20 scrunched up in your hotel room and 10 scrunched up in your car. And some make even it in to your bag. To be found at a much later date.


Argos Pencil and Paper
Now I am never sure on the protocol on this. If Argos expect us to put the little blue pencils back after writing down the code for our new ironing board cover, or if we are supposed to give them to our children to "draw Mummy a nice picture" whilst trying to distract them from the one bazillion toys that are (grrr) out on the shelves. If this is constituted as stealing? Then the below picture NEVER happened. If it's not? Then Dear Argos see how happy and quiet my boy is.


Free Magazine Crap
I have talked about this before. And technically it's not free as children's magazines are a RIP OFF! But all my children do is not say "Oh my that looks like a dead interesting article on IgglePiggle and his issues with UpsyDaisy" no they go "I NEED ANOTHER FREE TOY PHONE TO MESS UP YOUR HOUSE WITH AND IT WILL LOOM AROUND FOREVER". As soon as we get home, sometimes before. Phone is pulled off. Magazine cover is ripped and never looked again, whilst the substandard rubbish toy remains in your house along with 30 others for another year. Urgh.

Straws from McDonalds, Sticks from Starbucks, Plastic Forks from Chip Shops
Sometimes. In my darkest and most exhausted moments I may pop to a rather unhealthy place and we have a little 'treat'. The treat for me maybe a muffin or a cheeky McChicken sandwich. The treat for my kids? Free sticks, forks and straws. They ruddy love the things! My boy and girl have fought over a wooden tea stirrer from Starbucks on many an occasion and then I look like super generous Mum when I say "Oh go on then. Have one each".


Party Bag Crap
Parents of children. Can't we all just come to an agreement. Let's either a) stop party bags and the next generation will never know they existed or b) fill it with good sh*t and not just well, sh*t. I am equally to blame in this and before parties I scour poundshops and fill them up with balloons children can't blow up and tiny impractical clacker noise maker toys. Oh god and bloody bubbles! Which always get spilt in my car before I drive off. Let's stop the madness!!! Come on. We can make a change!

So there we go, next time your child is lusting over a £100 walking dinosaur or a game where poo comes out of a dogs bum, you can smile to yourself happily and think of the tiny sticks and Peppa World maps you have all wrapped up in your loft. Imagine their little tiny face light up on Christmas morning when they see a pack of (not stolen, borrowed) Argos pencils. Magic.*

*In reality? If I did this? My children would go bat sh*t cray cray but it's a nice thought isn't it?

39 comments:

  1. Fab post!! Love it 😉 I like to collect the free stickers from restaurant meals and tat from crackers too!! xx

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  2. Ikea pencils!!! Can so relate to this. No kids actually need toys at all! x

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  3. Love this - and so true! Mine always like to pilfer the free Biros from Barclays! x

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  4. So true. I remember when we did a 2 week road trip holiday in Australia when we just had the oldest 2, I have photos of them aged 3 and 18 months playing excitedly with the contents of the mini bar as a shop! They were unopened before anyone calls social services!!

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  5. This is still true with my daughter and she is 8! The arguments we have over these stupid kids magazines just because she wants the 'free' toy is unreal! And bubble wrap! She loves bubble wrap?!?!

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    1. My boy bloody loves bubble wrap so much! x

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  6. I never go anywhere without a bag stuffed with Mcdonalds straws. Perfect entertainment for a bored toddler! x

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    1. Oh and when you blow the paper off? Hilarity all round! x

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  7. So true I think back to the time I bought my daughter a play shop from the last of my money, then she got more excited over the box lol

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    1. Ha ha ha! How funny! They love boxes don't they? x

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  8. My son has just asked for an Argos catalogue for his birthday!

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  9. So true!
    I picked up a Peppa Pig World map for Freyja from the services yesterday. It is her most favourite thing ever at the moment. And the best thing? She hasn't even realised that Peppa Pig World is an actual place so she isn't even nagging me about that.
    IKEA pencils in similar way to Argos pens, but usually use them for my pupils lacking equipment!

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    1. OMG! How have I NEVER thought of stealing Ikea pencils???!!!! x

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  10. Ellie is 9 and has moved onto the 'grown up magazines' meaning we have loads of shit clumpy nail polishes, enough toe dividers for the whole extended family to have a set each, a basket full of cheap shyte makeup and mostly a pile as high as Ellie of posters that I keep telling her ''wait til the weekend THEN we will put them up!!'' oh and she's still obsessed with those stupid hotel leaflets meaning we go away...a million of every bloody leaflet going! XX

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    1. That has made me laugh as I never put them up and then just ruddy chuck the bloody things! ha ha ha x

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  11. Loved this - very funny bab although mine are only really into cars and nothing else really comes close, i long for plastic tat at times ;)) xxx

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    1. Oh bab. I shall give you some of mine at mumsnet! x

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  12. brilliant the magazines do my head in I'm like come on lets do peppas work book all i get is no I'm playing with this tiny pretend bucket and spade! which of course is then lost and i spend half the next day trying to find.

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    1. Or stupid weird cardboard peppa crowns? So annoying! x

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  13. Haha, totally relate to all of this. Mine always come home with leaflets for days out. They think they're amazing! They love party bags too and heaven forbid I should throw something away thinking they won't remember. They always do! I agree about the crappy magazine gifts too. Definitely not free. I'd rather pay half the price and not have the plastic tat! x

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    1. Same here! Let's not pay for magazines and then they will make them cheap! x

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  14. My boy loves the free sticks but we always grab a handful and spend ages making shapes with them. Means that Starbucks can last a hell of a lot longer as he's fully entertained! He once had a massive paddy about his friend having a different "train fleaflet" to him...

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    1. Oh thats being quite educational with them isn't it? Good Mummy! x

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  15. It's not all free cr*p Emma! ;) There are some really food freebies for kids on the site I contribute to www.magicfreebiesuk.co.uk including a free cuddly polar bear - what's not to love! Anushka xx

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  16. Indeed you have hit the nail on the head here but why, oh why did I NEVER think of the Argos pen and paper?! And now it's too late.....or maybe not?

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    1. Shove a few in your bag. I won't tell x

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  17. Ha ha ha this is amazing, though I am yet to experience party bags and the wonder of Argos pencils. I feel I have learnt a valuable lesson here.... xx

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    1. It will happen to you in time bab. Do not worry x

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  18. Oh how I've missed your posts! Every one cracks me up! You are like Mother Christmas! Have a Starbucks stick each ha HA! Xxx

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    1. And how I have missed your lovely comments! x

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  19. Hilarious and so true. JJ's reception teacher asked them all to bring in a 'memory box' of 'special things' at the beginning of term and she reckoned at least half of them would have a Legoland map! X

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  20. Love this post. Damn! I'm disappointed my kids are beyond this stage. Well, not in mess terms (damn not free at all magazine terms), but in the much lower cost of keeping kids entertaind.

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  21. plastic forks from chip shops ... I did the too tired to make tea and not getting back home til late desperate trip to a chip shop yesterday. Handed my lg a couple of the forks, one blue, one yellow to add more excitement and got the most grateful and pleasantly surprised 'oh thank you mummy! That's so nice of you!' ha! She's actually asked for some tacky plastic thing for xmas...the kind of thing I like to throw out when she's not looking. However that's getting harder as she remembers things now a couple of months later and asks where they've gone .....

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  22. Haha! They LOVE that stuff!! Days after visiting ikea they're still scribbling on paper ordering sheets, measuring with the tape measures and thinking that tiny free pencil is way cuter than the pencil case full of regular sized ones they already had!
    ...It's just locating all that crap after to throw it away, when desk draws are overflowing with it!

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