Monday, 10 November 2014

Dear Father Christmas...

Dear Father Christmas

How are you? Firstly please don't think I am being too formal by calling you Father Christmas. It appears you are now called Santa. But I refuse to call you Santa. Even if it was made like a rule by Coca Cola who invented Christmas. I digress.

You may already be aware of my daughter. She sent you a letter asking for a 'Hello Kitty Secret Princess Computer'. I am quite, quite glad that you're around as this particular toy doesn't exist in the whole wide world. If you don't use some sort of magic to invent it I'm going to be f*cked on Christmas Day. Sorry. Must not swear. I'll be on the naughty list. And I really want some Yankee Candles, new slippers and a dressing gown 'for best' this year. 

Anyway. You may have noticed my three year old is being a bit of a sod of late. There was the incident when I asked her to be super quiet in front of our poorly cat. And she screamed solidly and consistently in his tired, ill looking face for five minutes. Whilst laughing. I'm not saying she caused it. But... he's now dead. Or the time I saw her walk up to her Dad and punch him three times in the face. Oh and the occasion where she smeared poo all over herself, the bed and the wall. 

Tough times. Call for tough measures

You will also notice. She is bloody clever that one. She's got street smarts and knows full well that her bloody good outweighs her bad. She's pretty much got the non existing secret computer in the bag from you. She's managing to cling onto the nice list. Just. But recently. Something truly magical has been happening in my household. You. 

On an (unreasonably early to be fair) November 1st you arrived on our television. You are now the main star of the books she has been picking for her poundland treat of the week. You my fine bearded man. Are my new weapon of choice. And you're working a bloody Christmas miracle. The other day during a particularly nasty tantrum in Birmingham city centre. She stumbled a little. I looked at the already being put up (?) Christmas lights and exclaimed "Did you know Father Christmas has magic powers? And when he sees someone being naughty. He makes their feet slip. And these 'slippy feet' are a sign that presents are being took away. Everytime you slip? That's another one gone". My husband glared. I would like to think out of wonder and love of his clever wife. But? It looked a bit more like anger. 

And my girl?

Some say cute fairy. I say one mere scream from the naughty list

Wept solidly for an hour. Tears of terror. Tears of sadness. And since then? She's been the dream. Any hint of a tantrum or a scream or a punch. And I shake my head sadly and quietly whisper "slippy feet" and she stops. So thank you Father Christmas. I now have a full six weeks of good behaviour ahead of me. You have given me a gift even better than some overpriced Boots 342 gift Sanctuary giftsets. I am forever in your debt. 

Before I go. Please could you have a quick word with the Easter bunny? Come December 25th he needs to take over the behaviour management of my child. Instead of 'slippy feet' I am thinking of something to do with a scratchy nose. Still working on the finer details. Anyway love to Mary Christmas (she will NEVER be Mrs Claus to me). 

Love Em xxx

23 comments:

  1. hahaha! This is brilliant!
    I am using Santa as behavior management for my girls.....Every they are naughty I just have to mention Santa and they buck their ideas up ;) x

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    1. Yes! I'm going. To start in August next year! x

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  2. We've just started using him as bribery as well...works a treat!

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  3. LOVE this! (I think I may write this on all your posts!!)
    The sheer POWER of the bearded one!
    x

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  4. My Mum did exactly the same to me (she actually started it each year in April) and I intend to do the same to my kids. It's the only tool we have!!........Fantastic, loved this, and here's to your many, many weeks of bliss :) Jess x

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    1. Hoorah! Oh I'm so starting earlier next year! x

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  5. So funny. He has also made an appearance in our house but not achieving the same desired results. This may be because my 5 year old stumbled across her stocking fillers, which I'd carelessly left lying around the lounge. Mmmmmm.

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    1. Bah! My girl found some princess stuff I hadn't hidden well enough. Curses x

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  6. Oh hon reading this made me feel sooooo much better! Last year we used Father Christmas as a threat loads, and it definitely worked it's magic on many occasions. This year we used not going trick or treating on Halloween in the same vein in the run up and again it worked (mostly). I do wrestle with my conscience sometimes over using treats like this, but when you're at your wits end and have an ace card surely it's crazy not to use it?! Another fab post xxx

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    1. I uses anything that means the behave! It's only white lies...isn't it???? x

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  7. Ooooh I love the slippy feet thing so much!! Hehe hope you do get 6 weeks good behaviour out of them...and they don't suss ;)

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  8. Oh you are SO mean but i like it!!!
    Pulled the crimbo card way too early here damn it, not he's asking every sodding day!
    Good luck with the hello kitty secret princess computer :-/

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  9. Brilliantly funny. I think I went overboard with the naughty list last year as my son took to going round his play school telling anyone who was being naughty (aka not doing what he wanted them to do) they would not be getting any presents.

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    1. He sounds ace! I need him to tell my kids off! x

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  10. So funny!! We tell ours that the burglar alarm sensors are Santa-cam. He's always watching you see. 'Cept it backfired when Noah got a bit frightened and wouldn't go into rooms with a sensor. Including his bedroom. Perhaps stick to the slipping story! ;) xxx

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    1. Ha ha ha! You can get an app can't you bab? I'm tempted to get it today! x

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  11. Ha ha ha ha! This is brilliant - and 'slippy feet' is so much better than that 'elf on the shelf' nonsense that is ALREADY starting to invade my Facebook feed.

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    1. I don't know what elf on a shelf is???? I think I shall avoid x

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  12. Phahahaha oh Babs, from now on I'm getting ALL my parenting advice from you Innit. Love this, next year when she's old enough I'll remember.

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    1. Yes! I am wise in the ways of lying to children x

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