Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Dear Gary Barlow...

Dear Gary Barlow

I have loved you since I was 14. I loved you before you turned into the handsome, housewives favourite, and the man of the moment, loved by the Queen, that you are today. I loved you when you were a little bit tubby, had bad hair and couldn't dance. I have still got your doll. And you once threw me a water bottle in a concert at the NEC which I treasured for years and years. I think you did it as you loved me, with my bad skin, sun in hair and boots with wood in the bottom.

But Gary. I am sad to tell you this. We are breaking up. I have seen you on EVERY tour that you have ever done. Every single one. From the teeny tiny Wolverhampton Civic Hall, to the bloody nightmare to get home from epic Aston Villa Football Ground tour you did with Robbie a few years ago. I have been there. Cheering you on. Pretending to be Lulu in Relight my Fire and doing the full dance routine to Could it be Magic. Gary? You have proper pissed me off.

Tickets are going on sale for a new tour this week. Huzzah I thought! And then when I looked at the prices. I. Couldn't. Get. My. Hat. On. I think you are Take That-ing the piss (see what I did there? I know you have always loved me for my sense of humour). £62 for the cheap seats and £95 for the good ones? £95 FOR THE GOOD SEATS? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT? Does that near £100 include a special song from you in my honour, a bunch of roses and tea at Nandos after? No? Then what does it pay for?

We could have been so happy Gary

I am sad to say I think Gary Barlow OBE, you are preying on the fact that women of a certain age (cough mid 30s to mid 40s cough) like relieving their youth. That somewhere deep inside of us we wish we were 15 again. And we long to be in a time where life was simple, and we were in love with a poster of a young Mark Owen in a Johnsons Baddy Powder top with a dolphin tattoo. A man that couldn't hurt us. A man that looked good even when he was sadly singing about discovering that he had an illegitimate child with a former girlfriend. In coldest Russia.

Over the years I reckon I have spent thousands on you G. Buying singles in different formats. Making scrap books of your face from magazines. Train tickets to sit outside your house. Some say this is stalking and I say. Yes with hindsight this is stalking but I digress. I have spent more than enough money on you and I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I know your concert will be amazing and inspiration will have come from the Cirque de Soleil. But you know what? I hate the Cirque de ruddy Soleil. 

Let's be honest. You are now a three piece band. Not even five piece any more. And all I want to see you do is sing all your hits. And I want to sit politely through any new tracks. Or go and buy an overpriced t shirt then (another £30 gone down the drain). I have no doubt that many, many women up and down the country will splash out on this tour. And will have the night of their lives. But Gary? I can't do it. I can't afford it. It's not that I don't love you. It's that maybe I think you're taking advantage of me. Alas and not in the way I wish you were.

So. It's over. I will think fondly of the days I spent dreaming of our wedding and the hours I lost trying to get through to Going Live to ask you what your favourite colour is. 

Let's be friends eh? We can be civil about it. If it makes you feel better. The £95 will go towards my kids Christmas presents. 

Em x

40 comments:

  1. Emma - giggled as soon as it popped up on Facebook and then laughed out loud reading it. What the blink?! £95. Tis for this reason I refused to go and see John Bishop (who was cheaper mind) as it will buy many many lego sets. He is def taking-that-piss. Loved this xx

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    1. My girl wants a Baby Annabelle and a bathset. That is over £100. SOB x

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  2. Poor Gazbar, how else is he meant to pay off his massive tax bill? Honestly, £95? What a joke! Really funny post x

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  3. I made it through on a going live phone in. I spent months of Saturdays trying and when I did get through I got so nervous I got the hiccups. Still I can always say I spoke to Phillip schoefield. Even though he got my name wrong. I have a cheap melamine mug to prove it you know!

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    1. YES! You are a hero in my eyes! That is ace! x

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  4. £95 is an absolute joke for a concert ticket. When we used to go to gigs... that time long long ago before kids, they were about £40 each, maximum!
    I am guessing you and I are about the same age as I remember that time growing up although I prefered Boyzone - and have seen then and Westlife far too many times but my ultimate crush from before all the housewives loved them... Ant and Dec. Dec actually. THAT WAS LOVE! x

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    1. Ah when we meet I shall tell you the tales of Ant and Dec. You will like them! x

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  5. He needs that £95 to offset the tax he is now paying

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  6. This post has just transported me right back to my 14 year old self. And I didn't even need to spend £95 to get there!

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    1. I will charge you £50. DM me for my address! x

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  7. Hilarious as always lovely! £95 is an absolute joke though - I've loved Take That since I was a teen, but I'd definitely be drawing a line too xx

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  8. I bet he will be gutted! Wait for the dvd turn the lights out you've saved yourself 80 quid!

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  9. Hehe I love the post and had to look at the dolls twice!! £95 is pretty extortionate to not even see all of them isn't it?

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  10. That is totally crazy, I cannot believe that price! Love this post hun xx

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    1. I know beaut! Glad you enjoyed if. You know my love for him x

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  11. Hmm the last concert I went to was George Michael's symphonica and it was a bit of a let down (but then again he broke my heart back in 1988 when it became apparent that he was 'batting for the other team' ) :-) no idea what the going rate is for a gig these days but £95 does seem a bit steep - it's not Blogfest is it - noone's going to give you free gin and a party bag at the end :-( xx

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    1. I heard other people say that about George! It's such a shame! Why do they break our hearts? x

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  12. Now there's an idea - party bag and free gin ... are you listening Gary?

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  13. Haha oh Emma- this made me laugh! I am sorry to hear the news about you and Gary. ;) x

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    1. It's our shame that our love is over. And will never be back for good. See what I did there! x

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  14. Ha ha, love this Embabs. You are a true fan and he is truly abusing your love! I am one of those awful hags that have only started fancying him since he got a bit streamlined and went on the X. I am now going to totally UN-fancy him in protest, on your behalf. I am up for a wickedweds meet-up! I may not link up but I drink up - BA BOOM! xxx

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    1. You are always welcome my lovely! Thanks for un fancying him. That's what a true friend would do x

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  15. This post had me laughing the whole way through reading it! Silly money especially before Christmas. You would think being a 3 piece they would lower the price anyway!

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    1. Exactly bab! Am glad you enjoyed it. He's a sod x

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  16. I thought I'd forgotten about trying to get out of Aston Villa with blood pouring from my feet and the 'guide' being from Cardiff, and only booked for the event, and no he didn't know which direction the car park was in!!

    Anyway, I've only been to gigs since the boyband became a manband ( you are SUCH a stalker!) but I knew my dizzy migraines would stop me seeing the next tour. Then Jason announced his departure and I joked to people that it was because he knew I wouldn't be able to go and support him!

    I pre-ordered the new album, even got a pre-sale ticket code which meant, had I been able to, I could've booked tickets on my day off instead of skiving in the office. I had no idea about pricing until there was a kerfuffle on the TT FB page.

    Some silly moo said that "true fans" would pay anything. Someone else said, quite rightly, "sorry love, my kids' Christmas comes first!"

    See you in the pre-order queue for the DVD next Autumn? ;) x

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  17. I looked at tickets and couldn't justify it and to be honest, wasn't sure I would cope well being in a crowded room with thousands of screaming, middle-aged women! I've never seen Gazza, not likely to now, either! Fab post x

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  18. Funniest post I've read in the last four years I've been reading blogs so ever. You're a comedy genius. Hope Gazza reads this x

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  19. That is utterly hilarious! Saw my idol John Taylor with DD a few years ago on a return visit to the UK. Over-priced and not that great. 3 days after getting back to Malta, guess what? DD concert...they were ending the very tour I'd just seen in the UK here in Malta. Double guess what? I got 2 FREE tickets from a friend. And it was the best concert. 20 times better than the UK one. Aaaarrrgh.

    P.S. Yes I stalked them. Hotel and all. And yes it's too good not to blog about it

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  20. Love this post - hadn't realised it was that expensive now to go see TT - hope hubby gets me the DVD for Christmas lol (ps I love that you still have the doll) 😁

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  21. I am so late to this post, like over a year, but I had to comment as it made me laugh out loud soooo much. Bad Gary! x

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