Tuesday, 4 November 2014

10 Steps to Survive a Toddler with a Cold

1) you wake up to hear a little voice wailing "muummmmmmy". You enter their hot, stinking bedroom and see the following. Snot. Snot in their hair. Snot on the sheets. Snot on the wall? And you think "sh*t". This. Is. Bad.

2) the child turns (more) psychotic. Your normal batty toddler is more cray cray than usual. They weep and moan and shout and are super naughty in ways your never knew imaginable. You try to keep calm whilst internally punishing them so hard, if they knew the inner workings of your mind? They would be terrified. 

3) any attempts to feed said poorly child are poo pooed. You try every breakfast food known to man which they refuse. You resort to the 'wotsit' which they eat with glee suddenly regaining their appetite. Sods. 

4) any attempts to get fluid in to said poorly child are poo pooed. You read somewhere that pure orange juice will make them better but also make them sh*t a lot. Panic sets in. You resort to the 'fruit shoot'. 

5) as your husband leaves you realise that you are left alone with the snotty grotty, monster for at least ten hours. You race through your brain to think of amazing mother/daughter bonding activities you can do whilst trapped in the house. You put CBeebies on. And place Frozen in the DVD player in case of emergency. 


6) THERE IS SNOT IN THEIR EYES. Oh no! This can only mean one thing??? Conjunctivitis!!! Or is it snot? Or is it conjunctivitis? GAH!? You rinse your child's eyes out with cotton wool forgetting to use a different clean piece on each eye ensuring that if they didn't have conjunctivitis. They bloody do now. 

7) lunchtime. They are now refusing the 'wotsit'. You try the 'french frie'. This is paramount to offering a turd. They gorge on smarties. You gorge on tea. Wishing it was gin. 

8) you phone your husband. Wailing that you can't face any more CBeebies and when the god damn hell is he coming home? He points out that it is only 11:30am and "didn't you have lunch a bit early?". You scream and feel like you are living in a time warp. Ran by Mr Tumble and the ruddy Num Tums.

9) you've watched CBeebies for so long. They are now showing the programmes they showed in the morning. You keep quiet. No one notices. Phew. You try to nap whilst keeping one eye on toddlers snot riddled eye making a mental note to rinse with boiled water later. And instantly forget. You cuddle the child. And get snot in your hair. Sigh. 

10) happy days! Your other half returns and knows it is wise to not question why everyone is having mini cheddars, ice cream and two fruit shoots for tea. Child goes to bed. All is well with the world....

...only to awake 47 minutes later screaming. You put the kettle on again, get out the Calpol and know you're in for a long, long night ahead.

28 comments:

  1. Sounds like a complete nightmare! Hope she feels better soon (for your sake as much as hers!).

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  2. Right. There. With. You. Power through with tea! That's my mantra :-) x

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  3. Best thing about this post? 'cray cray' hahahahahahaha. It's the sort of thing I say in real life :) Sorry you've had a very snotty, mental child type time x

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  4. Awww...I feel bad for giggling at your post but you certainly have a way with words!!!!
    I hope you daughter gets well soon. x

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  5. You know it's been a long day when you're on to the repeats from the morning!! My children always have snot filled eyes too. Gross!!

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  6. Great survival guide. I now need one for how to survive being sick when your kids are sick! Dying here but trucking along. Great post hunny hope she is on the mend now and you don't see anymore snot. (hope cats ok too)

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    1. Thanks for linking up to #sharewithme darling.

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  7. Aww poor babba. Hope she is better soon. Ours are intolerable when they have colds!!! But of course Mummy and Daddy cuddles help :) xxx

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  8. I feel your pain. My boy was poorly last week. It is hell. And it lasts for days. And they only want to eat your last bag of wotsits. Boohoo.

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  9. Oh so true. The snot everywhere, resorting to wotsits and the CBeebies afternoon repeats. I feel your pain. Hope your little one is better soon

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  10. Oh dear god sounds hellish :( is it okay that we have days like this minus the excuse of kids having a cold??

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  11. As soon as I read your opening sentence, I thought: DVDs, warm blanket to snuggle under, curtains drawn and cuppa for mummy!

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  12. Brilliant. Well not brilliant, but we are all there with you. Oh how I hate CBeebies. I am so glad that I have a 7 yr old so it is ok for my 5 yr old to watch CBBC instead now!!! The novelty factor is still there for me after enduring years of CBeebies! My approach now is leave them to it! They are old enough to deal with the snot themselves ;)

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  13. This is so true and so funny, especially the husband one. I guffawed xx

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  14. Oh dear, so funny as it is true! Doom really is the best way to describe it! Xx

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  15. Doom indeed. It is horrible and gross when they are ill. Another very funny post. Glad you can still see the funny side ha #sharewithme x

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  16. I am so glad that I'm not the only one who has experienced that afternoon cbeebies deja vu! I think that must be the first picture of your daughter I've seen where she isn't grinning rabidly! :-) Bless her! X #sharewithme

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  17. Oh look at her wee face!! I hate snot, and the demon conjunctivitis - the illness of DOOM when you have kids at nursery. Also, the eye drops. How the frig are you supposed to get those into a wriggly child?! Hilarious as always Em. Hope wee woman is feeling better now! Xx

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  18. Oh that face!! Bless her! She looks so poorly! But, that aside for one moment - HIL-AR-I-OUS!! Loved reading this and was giggling away to myself at work (shhh!!) looking like a total idiot!!

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  19. Hilarious post, loved reading it, because we've been there. If you don't laugh you'd cry and thats no good with a toddler!

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  20. This is fabulous and I can total empathise, ill children are the pitts! x #ShareWithMe

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  21. Have voted and you are awesome! The blimmin' cotton wool protocol! Hope the little snotster is on the mend. See you on Saturday! xx

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  22. Funny but oh dear, look at her little face! I do hope she's on the mend. Being ill in half term is a killer isn't it? We've had many of those :( x x

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  23. Ohhhh so many times! The wotsit is a bit magic isn't it? Besides them getting them everywhere (including crushing them under their feet accidentally)

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  24. Oh dear doesn't sound fun at all! hope she's feeling better, or you found the gin! x

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  25. Absolutely fantastic!! You put into words the feelings of (dare I say) ...All of us!!? ...Well especially all of us with more than one child, so we're no longer under the illusion that the sun shines out of their ***! ;-)

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  26. ...And of course I'm going to click that button ;-)

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  27. Oh good lord, the poorly toddler is horrific. You pretty much summed up my nightmare! Ray xx
    www.lukeosaurusandme.blogspot.co.uk

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