1) you are awoken by your youngest at 4:37am who has rudely forgotten that it's your birthday and that you may (do) have a sore head from four gins last night #lightweight
2) your daughter awakes at 5:26am. You run in and expect a full rendition of "Happy Birthday deaaaaarrrrrr Mummy". Instead what you get is a weird game of eye spy that involves an egg.
3) you get led into the playroom to open your presents. You're excited! You realise quite quickly you don't actually get to open your own presents.
4) your children open your presents. Or. Tell you what each present is eg "this is another pair of slippers".
5) your one lovely box of chocolates are opened. To shove in your children's mouths to stop them ruining each surprise.
6) your presents include two pairs of slippers, two sets of pyjamas, eight pairs of socks, smellies and seven candles. Worryingly you are over the moon at such an array of predictable 'Mum' gifts. You're just a bit sad you got no new pants.
7) your husband gives you the greatest gift of all. Better than Chanel, better than diamonds. He says he will do the school run and gives you the gift of time!!!!!
8) what to do with this time? Of course you light one of your new Yankee Candles. Pop open some smellies and get in a bath! For some this is normal. For the common Mum? A fooking luxury. There is Buck's Fizz involved. You feel all squiffy and decide you love your husband immensely (ignoring the screams and howls and fighting downstairs). YOU SHAVE YOUR ACTUAL LEGS! You consider you bikini line. But hey it's not Christmas yet!
9) bath done. And you embrace the joy that is new jazzy socks and... Brand. New. Slippers!!!!! They aren't smelly. They aren't a bit stained. And for the next 14 minutes at least they won't have a raisin stuck to the sole.
10) it's 9am. Birthday over. Husband at work. Back in charge of the children. Soft play and ice cream this afternoon. You will throw yourself into the germ ridden ball pool wearing your giant comedy Birthday Girl badge. Thinking "when I was 21 I may have been given Burberry and have been hungover for a week but in this ball pool, with these two maniacs and a nice pair of comedy socks on? Life couldn't get much frickin better".
Happy 37th Birthday Me!
Hand delivered by a little girl and evidently says "I love you Mummy" screw you Chanel.
This is much better.