Thursday, 11 December 2014

Gold, Frankincense and Mania

Congratulations! Your child has been chosen to feature in the nativity play. OK so every child makes it into the nativity play but let's ignore that small and irrelevant point. And this half hour (and let's be honest it's a bit crap) play. That comes but once a year. Is enough to send a sane woman. Cray. Like proper cray cray...

1) the letters come out. You rush to see. Is your child a donkey? Or a rogue weird nativity alien? YES! They got the star! Not as much pressure as Mary. And not as much to do as the Narrator. Perfect. Sainsburys outfit for £6. Sorted. 

2) it appears your child has to sing a solo. Like an actual solo. Your heart nearly falls out of your arse from sheer worry. And remains there for the next fortnight. 

3) hey a solo is not too bad. Noooo. It's going to be great. Let's not build it up into anything big. It's just a nativity after all. Let's keep some sense of proportion. 


4) 10 minutes later you rush out to buy a microphone from Argos to practise on. Better to be safe than sorry eh?

5) you vow not to mention to anyone your child has a solo at the school gate. But like some weird Nativity Tourette's. You mention is approximately every three seconds. You find yourself telling the bin men. And the postman asks how the rehearsals are going. 

6) the Sainsburys outfit on reflection just does not cut it. You think back to Boyzone in dungarees on one of their first TV appearances on that Irish chat show. How they always cringed when it cropped up on Live and Kicking whilst Zoe Ball howled with laughter. When your daughter is a star you want the 'this is the moment when it all started...' To look good. You pop out to Debenhams. And invest in a ridiculously overpriced tutu. 


7) the night before your heart is now pounding so fast you make a vow to sing Wizard if she forgets her words. Get everyone to join in. It will be like Love Actually or something. Failing that you will flash. Or flip a table. Or a combination of all three. 

8) you arrive bright and early to queue for seats. You are at the front. Lovely.... THEN YOU SEE SOME F*CKERS SNUCK IN EARLY AND ARE ON THE FRONT ROW. Don't they know your daughter has a solo? Don't you know this moment needs to be filmed for Saturday Morning Kids TV 2030???? B*stards! You secretly hope their sheep child trips. Or cries. Or wees themselves. 

9) you have two phones and a camera poised and ready. The headmistress informs you are not allowed to show any footage on social media. WTF? What's the point of milestones unless you instagram the hell out of them? You spend the first 15 minutes of the show trying to film your child and not getting anyone else's face in it. Or think of ways to pixelate. En mass.  


10) your daughter. Stands up. You can't even see her overpriced tutu. Her Sainsburys outfit is proper wonky. Her hair looks a bit of a mess. She starts to sing. And your heart stops. You can't breathe. You want to stand up and scream "I made that beautiful, glorious creature". You look around. And every parent is gazing in awe at their own child, the sheep, the donkey, the weird Christmas alien. Each equally important. Each equally amazing. You give a mental high five to baby Jesus.....

.....and vow to find the back entrance to ensure front row seats for next year.

30 comments:

  1. I can imagine the weeping! She looks absolutely gorgeous :-) Boo's is next week and she's got quite a few lines - am nervous...!

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    1. Oh she will be amazing! She was born to be on the stage that one x

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  2. Bless her. I think the teachers deserve medals for organising the nativity. Although I imagine they might prefer wine. And lots of it!

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  3. Oh cute. Impressed she actually sang.

    N was a king, but none of them (apart from the extras) had lines. Thankfully, because N just gawped around, did his camel ride, handed his gift over and that was it. He didn't even try singing even though he's been practising at home for weeks. Still tissue requiring though (not for him, for the one angel who didn't sit it out and ended up doing her dance on her own)

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    1. Oh bless her I like the idea of a little dance by herself! Glad he did it - minus the singing x

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  4. Aaaàh bless her she's sooò darling..well done sweetheart you did brilliantly!xx

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    1. Ah she did so so so good! I do love her so x

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  5. Oh how gorgeous is your daughter? She looks so proud! x

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    1. She was so good. She had such a lovely time x

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    1. Thanks! She is adorbs even though I say so myself x

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  7. That's amazing! I've never heard of a child singing a solo in all my years as a school mum! They obviously just don't do it at our school.
    I totally get the Parental Tourette's. How often did I mention that my son had got into grammar school or was head boy? I think I mentioned it to literally every person I spoke to for at least a month!

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    1. YES! She must be a star!!! Literally. I don't think I knew he was head boy ;) xxx

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  8. Look at her adorable little face! She looks almost as proud of herself as you are. Oh how I hated these nativities....until my daughter bagged Mary in year 2 ;)

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  9. Aww so cute! How do those parents get at the front? It's always the same ones! I'm a primary teacher and I still don't get it. Finlay is stickman next week. I've yet to make his costume :/ x

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    1. Literally we were at the front of the queue and they just appeared there?! HOW! GOD DAMN THEM! x

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  10. This has made me chuckle - I can so imagine you doing all this! And mouthing along. Brilliant

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    1. You know I would have happily stepped in at any given time bab x

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  11. Just brilliant :) I will cry like a river when its my go. My son will be Joseph, they will take bribes ! X

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    1. Maybe change his name by dead poll to ensure? x

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  12. Aww this is just brilliant, I got goosebumps with the video! So cute! Love your writing style too it's really funny :-D

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    1. It is a bit of a crap video but it did make me ever so happy x

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  13. I'm laughing and crying at the same time, only you can do this to me, you rock lady as does your gorgeous girl. Two shining stars, the pair of you, thanks for this xxx

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  14. I juts watched your vid (finally) she is cute as a little gorgeous button! I would have been on the floor. F looked mostly bored in ours so i wasn't much affected ;) xxx

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  15. It's my baby girls next week. She's going to be a little lamb (Tesco £10)
    Hoping we can film/take photos. Or You've been framed won't excist in a few years 😉

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