Sunday, 28 December 2014

New Years Resolutions for a Mother aged 37 and a Bit

2014 was officially for me 'The Year of the Toddler'. I would like to say it was a breeze and that "I just loved every second!" (to be said in a slightly too chirpy manic voice). But some of it? Was f*cking hard. With stupid rigid new pre-school times to stick to, and an emerging toddler boy that seemed to only know the words "NO!" and "MINE!". Sometimes I may (did) have sat in my jamas and had a little weep in front of Made in Chelsea NYC.

2015? Is going to be different. As you see I have learnt the ways of small children now. I have cracked it! By cracked it I mean I have developed various skills to ensure all three of us are alive and well at the end of each day. So I have made some New Years Resolutions to help keep me sane, whilst the children run circles around me high on fruit shoots and Sophia the First. I will be Zen. I. Will. ROCK! So here goes...

1) The tablet will be charged and in my bag at all times. In case of emergency. My iPhone will be to hand and the work iPad will be able to be easily to located in the kitchen top drawer.

Crazy Kinder Egg loons. You have saved Mummy's sanity.

2) I aim to subscribe to several different crazy Kinder Egg American loons YouTube channels so there is a variety of eggs to weirdly watch being unwrapped. Not just Disney Princess ones. Which seem to tip my son over the edge.

3) I will endeavour to stop trying to be Elsa when watching Frozen as it never ends well. With one or both children weeping. Why does my girl ALWAYS have to be Elsa? Cow. I don't want to be Sven?!

4) I will get up at 5:30am each morning to have a hot (imagine that? hot!) cup of tea and watch reality TV in peace before Peppa sodding Pig takes over. Bingly bongly bore off.

Hot tea? Old lady slippers? Teen Mom 2? Le Dream.

5) I will try to ensure that at least four days of the week. OK two days. Well at least one day every other week, I am not already in my pyjamas when my husband gets home from work. Thus proving that I had in fact actually got dressed that day. Dry shampoo is acceptable. Going braless? Is not.

6) I will not do any of the following with two tiny children in tow; clothes shopping (too sweaty), eating in fancy restaurants (too messy) and emergency dentist appointments (too hard to shout at children with a numb mouth).

7) Playdates will ALWAYS be at someone else's house. If I have to return the favour? I will accidentally block the loo with a free toy Mr Tumble phone from the front of a magazine and suggest the nearest soft play.

Wages will be spent on booze. For me. Not the kids (obvs).

8) A small proportion of my meagre wage will be spent on my actual self. Not on half price children's clothes in the Next Sale, or a pass for Thomas Land or a vast amount of Poundland tat. 'Me Time' will be spent with actual friends and not in smear tests or being given some time to put the washing away.

9) I will not obsess about my girls school place and when my womb aches thinking of baby number three? I will remember the time my son sharted right in my face.

10) If I manage to keep all of the above nine resolutions I should have a little more time for me, impress my husband with my fancy getting dressed ways and not put myself in ridiculous positions such as having a tooth removed whilst two children watch on gobsmacked. So number 10 is? Just try and have as much ruddy fun as possible...

...all whilst not getting pregnant with Number 3 (shart, shart, shart, remember the shart).

Fun times with my utter beauts.

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54 comments:

  1. This is bloody hilarious!! Is it bad that i relate to so many of the things you mentioned bar the shart in the face, glad i have avoided that one!! The 5:30 get up to indulge in a HOT cuppa and crappy TV sounds amazeballs, i'm joining you for that resolution bab!

    Love your blog, wish i was as funny as you - you have the Brummie humour which i love and miss so much that i now have emigrated to Devon but i am and always will be a Brummie at heart. I look forward to reading about you *not* getting pregnant in the new year. Have a good one hun, Happy New Year x

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    1. Ah thanks for your lovely comments bab. Once a Brummy always one eh? Oh god let's hope number three isn't on it's way!!!! x

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  2. Fab post! I can't tell you how much I love Teen Mom :-) I'm definitely aiming for a few hot cuppa's & cocktails in 2015

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    1. Teen Mom is the best show ever. FACT! x

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  3. Love it! Inspiring me to blog my own resolutions. As a very pregnant mum of one also aged 37 and a bit with ever-diminishing sanity, mine will definitely involve booze. And chocolate. And flaunting my boobs in public in a way that Farage would definitely not approve of. And definitely, definitely, not getting pregnant.

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    1. Yeah get those boobs out bab! Esp in posh eating places. Ditto on the not getting preggers...I think? x

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  4. 100% in 12 months time you will be up the duff after all your me time has meant you've forgotten about the shart... It will happen!!
    I had to laugh at the buying something for yourself as I've spent my Xmas vouchers on clothes for the kids as they clearly never have enough - doh!!
    Don't ever stop being hilarious xxx

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    1. NO I WILL NOT BE PREGGERS!!! I think? Lovely to meet you this year beaut x

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  5. I'm with you on no.8! I also need to get some me-time back this year - and this doesnt mean a dr's trip or a quick post office visit! hee hee - good luck :) Jess xx

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    1. Ah the joy of nipping to the local shop to maybe buy a take a break as part of me time. Pah! x

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  6. I'll be watching you miss - time for YOU. Love this. And love you. You've missed 'see Steph' from your list. Almost as important as getting dressed? No? X

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    1. Sorry! Obvs. Seriously when are we going to make this happen lovely lady? x

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  7. Good luck with that! I love the idea of 'accidentally' blocking the loo and think the word 'shart' should be used a lot more!
    Happy new year!

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    1. Shart is defo going to be the word of 2015! Happy New Year to you too lovely x

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  8. Hilarious as ever, if any woman ever says they don't relate to your posts they are LIARS!! Those ruddy kinder egg videos, what's that all about anyway, why do they love them soooo much???

    And shart, just the best friggin word ever!

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    1. Thanks beaut! What are those videos all about eh? They are like totally hypnotic. It is so weird! x

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  9. Love this post - you're two look so cute

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  10. Oh I love you! You and Hurrah for Gin have brightened my year! x

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    1. Yay! Lovely to meet you well on the internet. You could be a murderer. I've met Gin. She's not x

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  11. I have not heard the shart story ever before and I cannot stop laughing. This is a fab list, equally hilarious and wise in equal measure! Love it hon xxx

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    1. Thanks lovely bab. Nothing like a shit in your face to cheer you up in the morning! x

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  12. Play dates are only for other people's houses!! Rule número uno. Ha ha. Great post lovely, you do make me laugh. Lush slippers by the way ;-) hope you find some good decent me time. I always think a spa weekend would be living the dream. Maybe that should be my goal this year. Xx

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    1. Thanks bab. Oh and you can't beat a nice old lady slipper from Primarni. A spa weekend would be ace. I would never want to come home! x

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  13. It sounds like you are definitely on top of this Em! When you have your little lot sussed could you come and sort mine out too maybe? Like Supernanny? Ta very much! ;) xx

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    1. Yeah year. Your three look like amazing little angels bab! x

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  14. Fab list. I believe in you and know that these resolutions can become a reality. Love ya! xx

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    1. HELL YEAH! And doing it all whilst wearing a fanny pack x

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  15. Great list Emma. I never have playdates at mine (the 2 dogs generally puts people off) and it's nice leaving the mess behind. Good luck with the me time! xx

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    1. Curses. People aren't scared enough of my dog. That's the problem! x

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  16. Love this - and I will be doing soooo many of these too! Great post and very deservedly Mumsnet's Blog of the Day! Look forward to reading more fab stuff from you in 2015! Happy New Year x

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    1. Yay! Thanks chick. Have a very lovely New Year yourself x

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  17. This gave me a fab giggle.....I suspect there's a back story to the 'shart' thing that I don't know about?!

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    1. Ha ha ha! Nothing too exciting! Just the general poo in face! x

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  18. Hehe this made me chuckle so much then I had to do a double take on the bit that said about you being pregnant with number 3!! :) Happy new year lovely lady!!!

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    1. Oh gosh. No number three here! YET! x

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  19. This made me laugh. My girls love the kinder videos too. Have had both of them shart on me as babies.... Oh the joy.

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  20. YES bab yes. I will just copy these and not bother myself. I will also remember the shart story to keep number 3 at bay. Happy New Year! Love ya xxx

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  21. I've decided the same on playdates, after the last one with a child from nursery ended up with the 2 of them making more mess than 7-8 of the NCT lot. in future, with that child, it'll be at his house, or the park (which in better weather is always preferable to knock the kids out ready for bed!).

    Love your resolutions. More me time would be great, and school places...we should be ok, but I'm just keeping fingers crossed that there's no children moving into the village, or any adopted/in care/in medical need applying. There haven't been in the last 3 years, but I suppose this year could be the one...

    Have a great new year, and good luck with the resolutions!

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    1. It is so scary about school. I am worrying. I must not think about it as there is pretty much nothing I can do about it! x

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  22. Hahaha so funny! This really made me laugh- I am going to subscribe to as many egg things on You Tube as possible. They give me 5 minutes peace. ;0)

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    1. Yay! DO IT. We all need a little more kinder eggs in our lives! x

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  23. Another brilliant post lovely, put a massive smile on my chops! My money is on baby #3 by the time summer rolls around #justsaying ;-)

    Happy New Year to you all xxx

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    1. Oh gosh you are not the first person to say that! ;) x

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  24. LOL .... all the best with your resolutions! A fun outlook that mums especially can relate to. You're doing good. To a 'calmer' 2015! Over here from pottymouthedmummy's Britsmum carnival

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    1. Hello! Hope that I do have a calmed 2015. Sigh x

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  25. Ha ha, brilliant as always! There's nothing like a school place looming to get that womb aching - wait until October half term - if you thought ore-school timings were bad jut wait until she starts school x

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    1. OH god now! SOB. I can't keep up with the routine! x

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  26. lol. I might borrow your resolution list for myself. although I already have 3 and can't and don't want another so thats that one ticked. I am currently sat feet up with the laptop, Dora on the TV (I can't stand Dora!) and both big kids on tablets.
    Happy New Year. x

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    1. Oh god. Swipper no swiping is awful! I think I need to get another tablet in my house! x

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  27. Hehehe, hilarious.
    Awesome post! Love your 2015 resolutions =)

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