Sunday, 21 December 2014

The Sound of Motherhood

When I was in my one and only 'how to have a baby' class at the local hospital (we never went back after they made my other half do role play with strangers) they talked about the noise one makes when in labour. They said it was almost animalistic. A guttural howling. Like a man changing into a werewolf. Pah! I thought. Not me...

Cue five months later when I am hanging off the bedroom radiator screeching at the top of my lungs whilst my husband looked on terrified. Wishing he was back doing drama with random men. I'm not sure why, but since giving birth I am now devoid of ANY dignity. Once you have had more than one hand shoved up your privates you kinda don't give a sh*t anymore. That wolf like howl is the just the first in list of very loud moans and groans and sighs I make now I am a Mum. Not sexual of course. Whose got time for that? There's episodes of Made In Chelsea to watch...

The Early Morning Groan
"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumy" you hear. You look at the alarm clock. It says 5:37am. And you sit up. Throw your legs over the side of the bed. Rub your eyes. And groan. The only way to explain this noise is the sound of a Mummy in an old Scooby Doo cartoon. It's a groan to represent it's early, it's cold, it somehow seems TO BE YOU TURN TO GET UP AGAIN. It's a groan of sad resignation. And you have learnt this groan is far more productive than screaming at the top of your voice "Oh for f*cks sake!".

Oh that's a lovely cup of tea!

The 'nice cup of tea' Slurp
I spend a lot of my week with two very small children. I talk about Peppa. I sometimes watch Frozen (ALL THE TIME) and occasionally discuss "choo choos". Essentially? I have lost the plot. I find myself. When I have a luke warm drink at any point of the day. Doing a huge slurp and saying to no-one in particular "Ohhhh that's a nice a nice cup of tea". I often make the slurp and then look at the dog and say "nothing like a nice cup of tea eh Lucy?". She looks at me like I'm a pr*ck.

The Wee Sigh
Yesterday I went to London. I did a wee before I left the house. I did a wee when we got to New Street. And when I had to go one and a half hours without the ability to go for a wee? It was torture. I got to Euston. I sat on the loo. Did a wee and let out the biggest SIGH known to man. It's the wee sigh. Since children I spend my whole day needing a wee. But never quite finding the time to go and when I do? The sheer relief? "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggh". And if other people hear my wee sigh? That's fine. It's a sound of triumph! No shame in that is there?

Stop talking to me. I'm a dog you pr*ick.

The Mum Tut
I tut ever such a lot now. Mainly at youths. I tut if someone walks past me a bit quick in Asda. I tut if someone's child shoves mine in the soft play. I tut when my husband...well I just spend most of my time tutting at my husband. The tut is also accompanied by an eye roll. An eye roll doesn't make a sound but if it did? I would like to think my eye rolls would sound like nails scratching down a chalk board.

I am sure that there are many other noises sounds I make to myself. It's like my internal dialougue is now out there in the open for all to see. The rantings of a mad, exhausted, mid 30s loon. But you know what? I don't care any more. I have no shame. Just a very, very weak bladder.

38 comments:

  1. Bloody love this post! I too do the wee sigh x

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    1. Yay! The wee sigh is the best kind of sigh in the world! x

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  2. Haha I am a total tutter nowadays! And I sigh over wee's- but it's usually cause I spend most of the day taking Mads for one! ;)

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    1. I tut all day long especially at youths in the street. The sods! x

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  3. Great post. It made me giggle because I do all of the above, mainly the tutting at everything.

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    1. Yay! Glad you enjoyed it lovely. Have a lovely Christmas x

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  4. Oh yes, the sounds of motherhood sure are familiar to me! Haha, this post is brilliant. True, funny & always good to know I'm not the only one who makes these noises and has no dignity left! :)

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    1. All my dignity has long gone hun! Have a really lovely festive season x

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  5. hahahaha! I have the Mum Tut down to a tee! x

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    1. Oh bet you do a nice bit of tutting in the queue for the Next sale! x

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  6. I've found myself tutting a lot more these days too. I've always done the wee sigh! ;)

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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    1. Yay for the wee sigh! It is the sigh of dreams x

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  7. Love this! Trying to think what noises I make now - I certainly have an angry growl when I change the beds!

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    1. I HATE CHANGING THE BEDS! I like the idea of an angry growl ha ha ha x

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  8. I can relate to every one of these. My so. Actually does the after tea slurp 'ahhhh' for me now, he is that used to hearing it. Not only are these the sounds of motherhood but they are also the sounds our little ones hear & associate with us lol xx

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    1. How funny! It's the relief of drinking a cup of tea! It's like we are drinking fine champagne x

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  9. Love this - in fact I'm going to go and have a tea sigh in a minute!

    (At our first 'how to have a baby class' it was quite uncomfortable enough without roleplay as my husband had slept with 3 of the other mothers!!!)

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    1. THIS HAS MADE ME LAUGH SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! x

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  10. Totally agree with all of this. There's also the 'ahhhhh' when you actually sit down. And obviously the 'errrghhh' as you stand back up.

    And talking to yourself about everything you do because you're so used to explaining everything to LO...

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    1. Ha the ahhh as you sit down! How amusing!!! x

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  11. You are hilarious!!! So so funny! I am a tutter :-)
    x

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    1. Thanks beaut! Have a super super lovely festive season x

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  12. haha the wee sign! Brilliant x #sharewithme

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  13. Hahah I love this. I tut over everything too darling. I don't think your the only one. The eye rolling I like to think mine is the worse thunderstorm you have ever heard. hahahaha Great post. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me and the continual linky support for 2014! Hope to see you again in the new year. Happy Holidays! #sharewithme

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    1. Yay! Have a beaut festive season my lovely x

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  14. Great round up my love ... I will admit it them all! The wee and tutting are definitely my things! #sharewithme

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  15. You made me realized how parents, mothers makes so much noise =P

    #mbpw

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    1. Alas the noise is not always that lady like! x

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  16. The wee sigh. That made me laugh. My OH doesn't understand why I'm always bursting at the end of a day (at home with N or at work). Guys just don't understand how you can be too busy to pee at the first requirement.

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  17. Oh also, did you always have captcha? Or have I been missing it all the time I've been commenting? It's changed to some weird format, and it's now even harder to decipher than before - numbers are easier if you have a choice. Just my tuppence worth.

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    1. Oh no! Do I have captcha??? How odd!!!! I didn't think I had x

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  18. Ha ha! the wee sigh, brilliant! We must do little groans when we pick stuff up, as Baby has started copying us and she is not even two! #ShareWithMe x

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    1. Ah your little twinnie. She is beaut! x

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  19. I like a good tut and sigh 👍
    And my other half never gets up always me ALWAYS!!

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