You know the frustrating stage where he wants to put his coat on alone, or his wellies. He doesn't need my hand to walk down the tricky (and random) kitchen step any more. I should really be marvelling at the miracle of life and how my little tiny boy is slowly but surely growing up. But do all I want to do is sit down, weep whilst hugging him so tight neither of us can breath and scream "STOP GROWING UP!" But I don't. As they would be weird and terrifying. Kids don't tend to like weird and terrifying. Not a desired quality in a Mother.
I sit patiently whilst he attempts to take his socks off. And then watch him struggle to put them back on. And repeat (grrrr). I try to decipher his ramblings about choo choo trains and Anna and Elsa (jeez they really have infiltrated everything). I even brought him some big boy pants yesterday for the doom of potty training in the summer. But what does this all me for me? What do I do now? There are less sleepless nights. I even went out without a baby bag last week (wipes shoved in my non Mum bag obvs. I'm not a complete idiot).
I can feel my womb ache at the thought of not having a baby in my house any more. It's always at the back of my mind. That tick, tick, ticking of my biological clock. Me furiously working out how old would I be if I had a third child, who again then waited till 38 to have a child. I make lists of pros and cons in my mind. Think of the financial costs and then look at my lovely cosy bed and remember the lack of sleep. The pain and that awful exhausting fog that envelops you when you've just given birth. And how would I cope with a baby, a preschooler boy and a girl in reception?
The juries still out. For now I will focus on play dates, foreign holidays and the odd bath alone (such joy)! I shall enjoy time with my four year old beautiful diva and my two year old boy who is obsessed with dinosaurs and dressing as fairies. I will focus on work and try to hold back the envy when my friends pop out another one. Oh being a Mum is a ruddy mind f*ck isn't if? Curse it for being so very, very lovely and curse me waiting just that little bit too long to do it.