Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Nighttime Negotiations

As it starts getting to the end of Tracy Beaker in this household a strange atmosphere takes over. My son is fast asleep. Dreaming of Toy Story 3 but my daughter? She starts to wriggle, she gives me a sinister look (which is quite cute GOD DAMN HER) and the 'Nighttime Negotiations' routine begins. It's a game with so many twists and turns I never know if I am ever going to gain the prize of actual real time with my husband. Or waste my evening in the following ways:

One Last Cuddle
We start off with a few nighttime cuddles. Which is lovely as she smells so nice and clean and... oh God she is using it against me! The 'fresh from bath' child smell which reminds you of when they are a baby. It's like parent crack. She's sly this one.

One Last Story
So I've read Tangled. I whizzed through Frozen (singing a few songs like a performing monkey). We tackled Goldilocks. With accents worthy of an Oscar. I am spent. And then we have "One last story Mummy?". And I look at her beautiful face and think of her in therapy aged 34 saying "But she never read to me" (despite spending the past twenty minutes acting like her own private ruddy Jackanory") so I sadly pick up Brave and hone my inner Billy Connolly.

One Last Teddy
There are at least six teddies in the bed. We have squishy giant Elsa, Rapunzel, Alice, Anna Bear, Brown Bear and a random tatty one she found god knows where. I try walking away thinking this will suffice. Sigh. No. She wants one last bear. It is downstairs. I stomp off. And I am in no way swearing under my breath as that would be bad (totes swearing).


One Last CUDDLE
Oh for f*ucks sake!

One Last Question
I cheerily say "night night then!" and can almost hear my take away going cold, my husband growing bored and my nighttime TV getting closer to finishing...then we have the "one last questions". Inevitably along the lines of "what day is it tomorrow?" "is it the weekend tomorrow?" "are you at work tomorrow? (GUILT)" "when do we go on holiday?" "will it snow soon?". And so on...yawn.

Bare Faced Lies
I've got through the rounds of last cuddles and lost teddies and random questions about weather and days of the week. I've read stories where I re-inact full Disney films and then? I just start lying. Yep. I lie. About all manner of things. From saying that other friend's children don't have lovely bedrooms with magic curtains that make you sleep (?). Sometimes I talk about how the dog is waiting for her to sleep so the she can talk to me and tell me all about her day in dog speak. Just. Bare. Faced. Lies. And lots of them. Followed by one last cuddle. And? The lies always work*. BOOM! Gina Ford doesn't mention that does she?

I lock the door so the 'monsters' don't get her. I leave the landing light on so the 'monsters who are afraid of light' (more lies) won't come. I creep downstairs. I pick up more fork to tuck into my chicken chow mien, I look lovingly at the other half (whose on Candy Crush natch) and then...my son starts screaming.

Ding Ding. Round 2!

*please do not leave a comment saying lying to your children is wrong. I believe in certain cases? Lies are bloody essential. Think Father Christmas. Think talking pigs in the form of Peppa. Think of if I didn't lie my child would never sleep and I would never see my husband and we would get a divorce. SO THINK ABOUT THAT. Thank you kindly.


53 comments:

  1. hahaha! Brilliant!! The lies do work....I will say anything to get my girl to stay in bed. lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha ha - love this. My little girl also suddenly becomes very chatty at bedtime with a list of questions as long as me arm. Always good to know I'm not the only one fending them off with little white lies!! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It literally? Is the only way we can survive! x

      Delete
  3. Ha ha ha! So true...too true sadly! My little girl always seems to time her poo for around 20 mins after I've turned out the light! Every.night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god that is the same here! How funny! x

      Delete
  4. Who cares about your mental health and your marriage. Lying is bad. BAD. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh the lies totally work! My telly is routinely "broken" right around the time Olive the Ostrich comes on. I tell her that Sam Spaniel comes and tells me when she's being naughty in another room. I have different fibs for different situations and they always work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Olive the Ostrich is so crap isn't it????!!! x

      Delete
  6. I love your disclaimer at the end :) We have now settled on a nightly routine of LP getting into bed with her cuddly minnie mouse, a book of her choice and her wol nightlight. Cuddle, kiss, bed done. YAY! x

    ReplyDelete
  7. LYING IS BAD! Ha this is fab lovely, though obviously not that you're tired and unable to eat chow mein xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh love mine aren't happening at bedtime but in the middle of the night! SOB. How can anyone need their wellies and an ice lolly at 3am?? Help meeeeeee please...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh ruddy nora that sounds awful! I shall send gin your way x

      Delete
  9. Hahaha!! I've already started lying to Arthur (poor little guy!), he has some stupid fish game on my iPad so when he says "fish fish"....actually more "ish ish" I say "sorry fishy is sleeping" I love that you can get away with just ridiculous lies...,I literally can't wait to test more out as he gets older!!! Love the curtains that make you sleep...genius!! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By number two bab? You will fib so much you will start to forget what you have even fibbed about! x

      Delete
  10. Haha, the lies are essential! Another fab post, hun. My monkeys have stopped asking us for hugs / stories. They just mess around all together for hours, laugh, play, scream, run around and completely ignore the threats and lies ("If you are not asleep in 3 minutes, you will never have sweets / go to the park / have a play date again!"). They are a nightmare! But they are cute when they are (finally) asleep, aren't they?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh they look so peaceful when they are asleep it is amazing. Sigh x

      Delete
  11. Your posts never fail to make me chuckle - sorry that it's at your expense hehe!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. The night time routine is a killer. You've been at it all day and this is what tips me over the edge - the naked dancing, the impromptu picnics on the towel, endless stories, needing of drinks and reassurance that kidnappers are not coming into the house tonight. Man - wish my husband would just go to bed like any normal man haha x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hilarious Em! Parent crack, and magic curtains and the talking dog - you are a genius. Try this times three and you will understand why I am bordering on crazy. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god bab. If you added another one to the mix here I would totes have a breakdown? x

      Delete
  14. My son ALWAYS does the 'one last cuddle and kiss for the BEST mummy in the world'. Fall for it hook, line and sinker every time.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fantastic! Dakota tries all the same tricks x

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is funny! My youngest ones are 10 and I still feel like bedtime is a negotiation. Mommy guilt is at its strongest when kids are trying to manipulate you into letting them stay up later! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm not at the lying stage yet but that only because Archie doesn't understand yet! Fab post lady x

    Gym Bunny Mummy | Bloglovin’ | Facebook

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes start practising them in your head x

      Delete
  18. This is hilarious. 'the dog is waiting for her to sleep so the she can talk to me and tell me all about her day in dog speak' I will have to try this. Genius.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah thanks lovely Jude - can't wait to see you soon x

      Delete
  19. This reminds me of when my son was little, he never wanted to go to bed, I tried it all, at one point he had three books, a story I made up, then he would think about sleep! Lying definitely came into it! Hoping my daughter will be different... Xx #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The never ending stories drives me a little bit cray cray x

      Delete
  20. Lets call them white lies yeah? #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
  21. Just think in ten years time it'll be you trying to negotiate to get them out of bed in the morning! #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ha ha this is so funny - and so true! At what age can you STOP lying to them? Because I'm going to push it for as long as possible :) Mim @ mamamim.com #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh god I am sure my Mum still tells me the odd little white lie! x

      Delete
  23. This MIGHT be the one perk of having a third. 'Oh I'd love to help with bedtime darling but I need to breastfeed the baby.' *goes and hides in bedroom and watches Netflix* bedtime sucks doesn't it. Great post x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh good plan lovely. Try and tell the hub to have another one (HE WOULD CRY) x

      Delete
  24. Lucas says - We are little tinkers aren't we? Just think, in about 13 years time, you can get your own back on a weekend morning, about 0730, and inform them that they simply HAVE to get up and do their homework/do their chores/visit Grandma...................... but shhhh don't tell anyone I told you to do this!!! #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh so funny.......... It's the 'one last question' that I always get and then they start lying. Personal favourite is "I have a spot on my bum which is hurting"!!! Great post #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha ha I've not had a spotty bum?! Oh maybe that will be a new one! x

      Delete
  26. Emma this is lovely and I can't get over your FINE PRINT! You crack me up just fine printing your blog posts. That's hilarious. Love the way you write babes. It's amazing. I lie to my children too! We all do it and others just don't admit it. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wanted to fine print to stop any cray cray trolls!!! People are mad! x

      Delete

leave me a comment! they make me happy bab...