Sunday, 22 March 2015

Kids with Benefits

Kids are great. When you have one all of a sudden your life changes. You feel a love like no other and on a daily basis you are covered with kisses and cuddles (OK and crap and p*ss but lets focus on the positives people). You get to marvel at seeing them take their first steps, hearing their first word and seeing this teeny tiny human grow and learn about the world. And then? There's the other stuff. The good sh*t. The 'extra special' benefits of having kids. Think of them as the Boots Advantage card of the parenting world.

Looking like sh*t
The benefit of having kids is that if you like like shit? People excuse you. In fact it is your god given right to look a hot mess and no one can say anything as YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A HUMAN OUT OF YOUR PRIVATES. My youngest is now two. I am not entirely sure how long that excuse is going to last.

Throwing ones self into a ball pool
We all agree that ball pools are rotten. They stink of feet and they are generally just grim. But. I tell thee. There is nowt finer than throwing oneself headfirst into a ball pool screaming and sliding whilst your legs go one way and your boobs the other. With a child in tow this is a perfectly normal thing to do. In fact you look like Super Mum! Alone. On a Tuesday afternoon. Well. Let's just say I would tell my children to steer well clear from you.

Shortly after this shot. I went one way. The kids another. And my boobs another.

Ace kids car parking spaces
Hands up who has been out minus the kids to run errands? And cursed the fact they couldn't park in the kids car parking space. Gah! This is a major benefit to having a small child (unless some total arsehole minus children parks in it first obvs). That extra space either side if I park a bit wonky. Right by the shop front if is tipping it down. Winner!

Lying in bed watching Frozen on a Wednesday Afternoon
"Oh God I'm soooo sick of watching Frozen" you exclaim to your friends, or pop it in a Facebook status. But secretly you ruddy love it. And as you are a Mum it is more than acceptable on a wet Wednesday afternoon to tuck yourselves up in bed with a bag of popcorn watching it yet again. For the 437th time. You will Insta-sham it as 'movie afternoon'. Tell your other half that they needed to unwind after a hectic morning throwing themselves around a ball pool with you. 

Shabby Chic Popcorn holders make afternoons in bed OK. Fact.
Lateness
"So sorry I'm late my baby vommed/pooed/cried/was asleep/lost her dummy etc". When in reality it is more like "So sorry I'm late, the baby was napping and I was watching TOWIE with a cup of tea so kinda lost track of time". Now mine are older than babies I need to get my thinking hat on and devise a whole new pack of white lies! Curses.

Indulging in fine food
Waffle anyone? How about a fish finger? Wotsit! Or a hand full of Pom Bears? Petit filous mon amie?  Kids get to eat ace food! And don't get me started on kids parties where the host always goes "oh help yourselves. It's a shame to let all that food go to waste". My husband looks at me with a glint in his eye and rams 15 cocktails sausages down his gob in one fowl swoop. And who needs a 5* meal when you can have a picnic with compulsory cornflake cakes???! Ikea ice-cream? For £1? YES PLEASE.

IKEA ICE CREAM WE LOVE YOU!
Compulsory Day Trips
Everyone knows it's easier to love kids out of the house. So sigh you have to go on day trips and you have to have fun and it's such a chore isn't it? See how fed up I was in Disney. Ahem. 

So sad to be in Disneyland. Ahem.

So the next time your little one throws the stinker of all tantrums and you think "Gah! This is horrific!". Think of a life minus waffles. Having to park with the rest of the general public and not swinging really high on a swing whilst screaming with laughter. Them benefits alone are worth it. Fo sure.

Friday Frolics

21 comments:

  1. This is partly why I had a third child. So I could stop washing my hair x

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    1. Oh may I should have another one just for this! x

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  2. Haha you're absolutely right! There is genuinely no feast finer than a kids party feast. I think 5* restaurants are missing a trick, if they offered it on the menu I reckon we'd all be straight in there! x

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    1. Oh god I sigh when the food is posh and not full of waffles! x

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  3. Lol. Fine food indeed. The other night N and I had fish fingers, potato waffles and spaghetti hoops, and it was lush.

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    1. Oh that kind of food is amazing! I love it x

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  4. My son is 2 and I'm hoping the looking like sh*t excuse is going to last a bit longer. Or at least until I get pregnant again and can blame it on my second ;)

    Red

    http://ketchupisaveggie.blogspot.com/

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  5. Best thing about this? The popcorn holders! YAY I HAVE THEM TOO! I have also been known to take a child shopping with me just to get a parent parking space. Oh yes. I am that desperate for the good parking spots! x

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    1. Yes. I may have done that too! Ha ha ha ha! x

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  6. Absolutely! I love nothing more than a kids' film at the cinema in the school holidays (although 13yo starting to complain) and hubby and I can quite legitimately kick, throw and catch balls any time, any place (as long as we have at least one child with us).

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    1. I love a kids film and you just sit and pretend you're not interested. When in reality? You love it! x

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  7. Brilliant Em! I absolutely wholeheartedly agree with every one of these. LOVE kids party food, especially the party rings. Lush! x

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    1. And party rings are quite low in fat too! x

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  8. hahaha This is awesome! Kids party food is just the best x

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  9. You so right Babs! Especially about the days out :) That's what I love most....not doing boring chores in the name of entertaining my boy! x

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  10. So funny, Em! Producing a human out of your private parts, ha ha! Shabby chic styling excuses a lot of things. Brill post babs xx

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  11. Haha brilliant! We often moan about all the shit that comes with having kids, it's nice to be reminded of the perks :) x

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  12. Haha, great post - even as a dad I'm happy to use a lot of these excuses - I tried the 'I pushed a kid out of my vagina' but that didn't work - apart from that, spot on!

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  13. They don't advertise those perks with the job do they. We were at a kids party the other day, the food had been abandoned and the Dads were hovering over the table like flies waiting for the go ahead. When this didn't look to be happening, the were nudging each other and egging each other on to be the first one to delve in! Thanks for linking up. #FridayFrolics

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