Sunday, 26 April 2015

The Grumpy Mum's Hit List

Pre-children I was a fairly laid back person. Yeah I used to get irritated by the odd t*sser cutting me up on my drive to work. And was mildly annoyed if someone pushed in front of me when I was at a bar (A BAR! Sigh remember them??). But overall life was OK and the general public just all merged into one fairly inoffensive person. Then? I had kids. And now? Good God! Some humans are put on this earth to either: make my life difficult, put my children’s life in mild peril or just? There to plain p*ss me off. So behold. Strangers who tip this grumpy Mum over the edge.

People who park in child car parking spaces. 
You are utter d*cks. If it is raining. And I am with two small children and I need to pop to Asda to get some toilet roll as we are using kitchen roll which my husband gets cross at. And I see you are parking in a space WITH NO CHILD (and no, an empty child car seat does not a child make)? I will do the Mum swearing thing which is dead quiet under my breath or really loudly in front of the kids, and then apologising about it profusely for the next hour. Which only highlights the bad word more.

This requires a lift. So take your small bag of Krispy Kremes and WALK UP THE STAIRS

Shopping centre lift hoggers
Shopping centre lifts are meant for the following people: people who can’t walk, people who struggle with walking and buggies. People who have just brought a bit too much shopping and can’t be arsed to get the escalator 10 feet away. Shame on you! You shall receive a tut from me and a “for gods sake”. Or a passive aggressive "oh kids if only WE didn't have the buggy then WE would walk up the stairs wouldn't WE" complete with a pointed look. Dead hard me.

Plain and simply crap drivers
People who put me or my children in mild peril from either driving too slow or too fast make me fume. Too fast? I start having freak outs that make worry I am going to be in an horrific accident and we are all going to be wiped out like in that really sad Robin Williams film. Too slow? Well I am late for pre-school so hurry the f*ck up. To be honest. Anyone driving bar me. Is going to lose.

This boy? Is wearing socks in the soft play. As he knows the rules!

The soft play no sock family
There aren't many rules at soft play. One could vomit in the ball pool and no-one would bat an eye lid. Or p*ss down the slide. Makes no odds. However the one rule is. SOCKS. It's not a hard concept. Socks go on small people's feet. They ensure that my small people don't catch your small people's foot diseases. Often (granted in my more exhausted moments) I've had to restrains myself from just shouting "SOCKS" at poor innocent children. I think I may have issues with feet.

Unsolicited advice
Here we go the big dog. The utter nause that is the stranger who offers unsolicited advice. Ranging from if YOUR child should wear a coat, or if YOUR child really should be sucking a dummy, or if YOUR child should be on a buggy board at their age. The husband has had to physically restrain me from "that's it I'm going over to give them a peace of my mind" on many an occasion. I have adopted the 'smile whilst calling them horrific names in my mind' method of communication. Bunch of di*cks.

SHE HASN'T GOT A COAT ON AND THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED!

So there we go. These are the humans that make my day far more irritating that watching ten episodes of Peppa in a row. Even worse than the bingly bongly bore off episode. Hell yeah. That's just how much they p*ss me off. Who's on your hit list?...

49 comments:

  1. People that park in parent parking spaces with no child need to go jump off something very high. It's my biggest gripe, but I hate the lift hoggers too - nearly as much as automatic door hoggers! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I went to town this week. And there was some right lift hoggers. THE SODS! x

      Delete
  2. Pahahahaha x *nods along to everything with a frown*

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am a lift hog. .. well I look like one. I use the lift as I have a bad knee, sometimes extremely painful and stairs are hellish compared to walking on flat ground.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bad knee is fine! Just because you can't be bothered? Not fine. So you are no hog x

      Delete
  4. Hahaa yesterday I nearly shouted over to a guy who had parked in a mum and child spot. And he had NO CHILD. Total wanker. We had to park about 200 yards away and walk in the rain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AND YOU ARE WITH CHILD? He is evil x

      Delete
  5. My new rant is at drivers who drive past my cycling children and say they are dangerous ... No love, it's you in your fat 4x4 with an even bigger mouth whose the danger!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha ha. I loved the anger in this comment x

      Delete
  6. Yes yes and YES! Parent & child spaces HOGS instantly put me in a foul mood. soft play in general but sockless kids who run about with food and drink inside the soft play - that's one rule break too far for me and my blood pressure sky rockets. The judgey advice givers need to be prefects in soft play doling out sock and food advice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Prefects at soft play?! That is hilarious! x

      Delete
  7. The lift thing drives me mad. Even worse Is people running in front of me and the pram to beat me to the lift grrrrrrrrr x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god I would shout! Or just tut really really loudly x

      Delete
  8. All these things annoy me too. You are my favourite blog to read now because you just seem to sum up everything I think in a more humorous way than I could ever manage lol.

    Rebecca
    www.percyandgrace.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah thanks lovely lady! I am honoured! xxxxxx

      Delete
  9. I am a lift hog *hangs head in shame* but..... I have a deathly fear of escalators seriously I have a panic attack each and every time I have to use them. I try not to use lifts but when I'm in Primark it's 3 floors up for kids stuff I just can't do it do you forgive me? I also have issues with mums who don't lie their babies down when they fall asleep they look so uncomfortable and also no raincovers on prams in torrential reign! God your grumpyness is catching ha excellent post made me chuckle x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgive you. You have a reason. This is allowed. If you had put I am a lift hog as I just can't be arsed to go on the escalators. Then? I would not have forgiven you x

      Delete
  10. I hate people who park in child spaces makes me so cross, in my opinion they are just rude and bone idle x

    ReplyDelete
  11. I will hold my hands up to being the no-socks-in-soft-play mum. Sometimes because I had totally not planned for soft play and tights are way too slippy. And other times because madam likes (as they all seem to round here) to climb UP the slide, or the rope-ramp thing which is meant for climbing, but is nigh-on impossible in socks due to general sliding. Socks tend to end up in my pocket, or underneath my coffee mug.

    The one that gets me more than that, though, is the parent who spends a whole soft-play visit on their phone, or worse still, outside smoking, having asked you to "just keep an eye on Tarquin for a minute, he won't even know I've gone", when Tarquin is either an evil little creation, or the most separation anxiety suffering child since George lost his Dine-saw.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tarquin? Ha ha ha ha!!!!! This has really made me laugh. If someone asked me to watch their kid. I would say "NO!" and then tut x

      Delete
  12. Totally agree! The worst are the parents who park in the parent and toddler spaces but leave children and other parent/adult in the car!! If you aren't getting children in and out, you don't need the space!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god. And they sit there and stare ahead so you won't notice them. WE SEE THEM! x

      Delete
  13. All these are sooo annoying! Was nodding at every one. Oh how I was so calm before kids!

    ReplyDelete
  14. With you on all of these Em and the older I get, the more things I discover that nauseate the hell out of me. But the socks? Why can't everyone Just.Follow.The.Rules??! Slowly becoming a grumpy old woman.....where's this going to lead? xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's going to lead to us drinking lots of gin. Probably x

      Delete
  15. Haha this is brilliant! My blood pressure goes right up when experiencing these things. Especially the parking space. And also people just generally getting in the way of the pushchair when I, trying to rush around and get back home in time for nap time. Oh and also parents not controlling their children. When your child is poking my child in the face while lining up for coffee a soft 'don't do that' will not cut it! Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha ha! Or them laughing and going "kids eh?" and you want to go. MAKE THEM STOP! x

      Delete
  16. This is hilarious and absolutely spot on!I also hate the people who take kids to softplay/parks and then are completely oblivious to what they get up to!x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah the old turning the other way trick. The gits! x

      Delete
  17. All these are right up top on my list. You won't be surprised to hear my other one is Supermarket Tuttters. Just tut the tut off already! And damn you, I now have the bingley bangley bong song in my head. Still better than Boom Chicka Boom from a recent Kate and Mim Mim, curse my ears! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My two love Kate and Mim Mim!!! However I've not heard that song...yet x

      Delete
  18. I thought I was quite laid back but some things really piss me off now I'm a mum!! I got tutted at in the supermarket the other day as I was going round the corner slowly with my trolley (which was full of shopping and a child!) - I turned round and told him not to be so bloody rude!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant! You rock! That is amazing! x

      Delete
  19. But don't you ever go to the soft play in summer, when the kids aren't wearing socks and you have to pretend you don't notice that your kids have bare feet? :(

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh yes, yes to all of these. And also with soft play, the big giant kids in the toddler area - WTF is with that - get your massive, no-socked feet out of there! I am definitely more grumpy than I used to be... #MBPW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha! I hate big kids in the little kids bit!!! x

      Delete
  21. Hahaha, this is 100% accurate. I am with you on the freaking sock front! I don't want any nasty foot diseases in my house hold and little people feet are only cute when they're your kids!! Ray xx #MBPW

    ReplyDelete
  22. hahah Brilliant list Emma as always you have me busting a gut. Love this. And the photo- your daughter is a beauty. Just popping over darling from #MBPW

    ReplyDelete
  23. Unsolicited advice about anything is hard to swallow. Especially, if it's from someone you don't know well.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I must be very laid back as most of these don't bother me. Well, most of the time. Lifts though, and unsolicited advice. What is it with other people's obsession about whether or not the baby has a coat?

    ReplyDelete
  25. I hate unsolicted advice from anyone. It really irritates me as its non of their beeswax. I am petrified of escalators so i use the lift sometimes. But i usually use the stairs.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Went to a kids farm today and was totally enraged (in my own head, *evil glare*) by parents who allowed their children to play in soft play WITH SHOES ON???!!! after traipsing animal sh*t through the farm, now walking through soft play where babies are mouthing the floor. Really???

    ReplyDelete
  27. Went to a kids farm today and was totally enraged (in my own head- cue evil glare) by parents who allowed their children to play in soft play WITH SHOES ON?!!!!!???? After traipsing animal sh*t through the farm then wandering into soft play where babies are mouthing the floor. Really???! Rant over.

    ReplyDelete

leave me a comment! they make me happy bab...