Before I had children there were things I did that brought great joy to my life. For example a weekend away with the girls, buying a ridiculously expensive handbag and going on romantic getaways such as Vegas or Paris. I'm not saying I led the life of Kim K but I was happy, footloose and fancy free. Then I had my daughter and after that short period of lock down where it's literally feed, sleep, change, repeat, I began to get pleasure back in my life. But in weird unexpected places.
Taking My Bra Off
There is nothing that brings me greater pleasure in life than removing my bra. Sometimes I sigh (and this is most certainly NOT with pleasure) as it is removed and drops to the ground. I have learnt to do it so I can get it out of one sleeve and thus give the impression to my other half I am wearing one under my clothes. But I'm not. However it generally it leads to me...
Putting My Pyjamas On
The minute I am in my house and I intend not to leave it again. These bad boys are put on. And I am not saying that I have. But I might have...gone to get emergency petrol in them. But I didn't wear slippers. What kind of monster do you think I am? I wore Uggs.
Before children you believe cleaning oneself to be a necessity of life. Post children it is the highest form of luxury. It can be seen as 'Me Time' (much like a smear test). And if you squint really tightly? You can ignore the rotting Thomas bath toy smirking in the corner. Smug b*stard.
Eating Selection Boxes/Easter Eggs/Party Bag Crap
HELL. YEAH! I believe lots of times when you eat things it means they contain no calories. For example standing up, eating directly from the fridge, stealing waffles from the kids. Eating the sweet crap your kids are brought throughout the year. Is essential. You are thinking of them, their teeth and in no way shape or from the joy you get whilst cramming a whole Smarties Easter Egg into your gob.
Sleeping In...Till 6:30am
The definition of a lie-in pre children is getting up closer to lunch time than breakfast time. The definition of a lie-in post children? Getting up a good while after the ads for CBeebies are on. You know where they just repeat whats on during the day and you want to scream "JUST PUT IT ON FOR 24HRS YOU PR*CKS". But don't you try to palm the ads off as tele. Past 18mths? This doesn't work.
Making Friends In Softplay
Not you. You don't want to make friends in soft play. You want to have a hot cup of tea and spend the least amount of time touching those rancid balls as humanly possible. But when my girl. Comes over and says "Look I've made a friend!". I look at the other Mother and there is a moment of solidarity when we realise we can ignore out children for a small while whist they are 'building on their social skills'. Happy days.
Hanging Out Your Washing
There. Is. No. Greater. Pleasure. Than hanging your washing on the line in the sun. I don't know why? I'm aware it is very 1950's housewife sounding of me. But getting up at the crack of arse, going in the garden and bunging teeny clothes on the washing line? Is f*cking amazing!
FINALLY Getting Them To Bed
You've had a fab day with the kiddos. Up at 5:30am, you tackled soft play, you read one million stories and watched more Peppa than is necessary for any adult and then there is... that hour. You know the one where you have no idea if bedtime is going to go well? And it does. It goes smoothly. And you creep down the stairs, bra free and pyjama covered. You eye up an uneaten Easter Egg hiding on a shelf in the kitchen, get out the Pimms/Gin/ Wine, sit on the couch and sigh. Nothing better in life is there?