Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Who Am I?

This bank holiday I had the very exciting task (i.e the worlds most boring task) of sorting through my Books, DVDs and CDs. We are redecorating our dining room, aka the playroom, aka 'the sh*thole'. And through the course of the FOUR HOURS it took me to sort them I went on a little sentimental journey.

There were films brought with ex boyfriends, films enjoyed with best friends who I don't see much of anymore, films that got me through break ups and films I loved when I was growing up. Albums I danced to, albums I cried too and albums, well by men I just fancied. Books that had romantic notes in written by first boyfriends, or flyers from clubs (remember them?!) I had visited in Ibiza (I KNOW IBIZA!).

Fun with a beer!

And the whole little job left me a bit, well a bit 'meh'. Over the course of the past six years of getting married, being pregnant, having babies and raising toddlers I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I forgot that I used to love watching old 80's films like Pretty in Pink. I forgot that I weirdly know all the words to The Monkees Greatest Hits. I forgot that I used to buy books purely based on their cover (dead sophis me). It's as if the 'me' before 'them' has totally vanished. She's gone. And I don't really know how I feel about it. It makes me sad.

Life of course is now full of a whole other different level of joy with cuddles, laughter, first words, first teeth, first "I love you's". Books are Peppa based and sing along Frozen is played on repeat. Becoming a Mother has changed me for the better but I thought the seamless slip into parenting would come a lot easier than it has. My love for them is unquestionable. It is solid. Spending time with them is (nearly) always a joy...bar the times where I find myself wondering what on earth am I supposed to do next.

Fun with Thomas!

What will happen when they grow up? What will happen when I'm not "Mummy" anymore. When I can't hide behind the dry shampoo and huge Mum coat? When I am not needed for school runs. When movie afternoons are a non Mum related activity. When I have to return to work full time nearly 20 years older than new teachers. In my saner moments I know it will be fine, everyone does it don't they? Get a bit of their life back, go out, go on cruise. But in my more manic moments. I am f*cking terrified.

Maybe it's a mid life crisis. Maybe it's looking through too many old Take That albums. Maybe I am just a grumpy cow who just needs a Kit Kat Chunky and a good nights sleep. Or maybe I need to set some time away from Peppa and Elsa and retrain my brain to be a bit more 'me'. I'm sure it's just a blip and normal service will be resumed soon. And you know what I did yesterday afternoon? Listened to The Monkees Greatest Hits. Albeit whilst I did the vacuuming. It was glorious.

27 comments:

  1. I want to simultaneously laugh and cry a bit like a maniac reading this as I totally know what you mean. Some days I'm perfectly happy with my simple life then others (usually after no sleep) I weep to the husband and wail "what about meeeeeeee?" xxx

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    1. I weep to the husband all the time! He just looks baffled. Ha ha ha x

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  2. Oh I totally get this. You're you though darling. Everyone changes and grows. And you can still sing to your hearts content when you're doing the vacuuming. It's sad looking back, but it's more exciting looking forward xx

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    1. Yay! Let's hope even more amazing things are for us in the future x

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  3. i totally get this, I feel like I can't quite get back to who I was before children, for a start I usually have to watch a film in two parts now as I fall asleep! I guess you get back to being a different 'you' with all the stuff you've learnt from being a parent backing you up :) Sometimes I'd love to go back for a day though just to remember what it was like! xx

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    1. Me and the hub say that all the time. But I? Would like a week! Ha ha ha ha! x

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  4. I had a moment like this a while back and you know what? I decided to find that girl again. I am not talking clubbing etc as lord knows I am not able to do that anymore haha and I don't even want to thank goodness. But I watch films I like (albeit while blogging) I don't wear mum coats anymore- I am tres chic these days! And I put the radio on and listen to music I like when I am doing the housework. When my girls leave home I don't want to not know what songs are on the radio, I don't want to have an empty life. It has made me happier and the girls rather like a bit of TheHits radio haha. xxxx

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    1. I LOVE the you still want to know whats on the radio. That really made me smile! x

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  5. Awh I totally get this! There are days I find myself kinda not liking the new me - the new me that is always tired, that can't be bothered sometimes to see people! Other days I LOVE the new me - the one that spends days loving her kids completely, that reads Julia Donaldson books on repeat.....I guess it's all about finding that much sought after balance isn't it?! If anyone finds it, let me know :)

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    1. Same here! I switch between being fed up and rocking the new me! I can't win! I am forever in turmoil! Ha ha ha x

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  6. I know how you feel. I often feel like a completely different person to the one I was 5 years ago. Until I get a little reminder and I think Oh I used to love that! That's one reason I started this blog. I used to really love blogging pre kids so I decided to do something that's for just for me. Even though it's a blog all about my kids and being a mum now so that kind of defeated the point! I think we just don't get much time to spend doing the things we used to do.

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    1. Ha ha ha. My blog is the same. No there is no time. Today should have been a day to myself and instead I have a child with chicken pox. Sigh. It sucks x

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  7. I tots periodically go through this - am I "just a mum'" now - someones wife? haha I totally relate, I forget what I was into and what brings me joy other than my family. I always wish I had time to pursue MY interests (whatever they are?!) and time to be ME - ive struggled with "whats my style now im a mum?" hha can I still be cool whilst practical? I think its normal, but let me know if you find the answer haha x

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    1. If I find the answer I will be sure to let you know bab!x

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  8. I think we all change and forget what we used to be into as we get older Em - having kids just probably speeds up the process a bit it is so all-consuming. I like to occasionally write a post about stuff I used to do when I was younger (holidays and stuff) because it's a chance to remind yourself and reminisce. Lovely picture of you when you were younger by the way - wit woo! ;-)

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    1. (Having said that I don't think anyone else is remotely interested in reading it - unless they were my partners in crime!)

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    2. Sometimes it's nice to write a post for no-one but yourself isn't it? x

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  9. I very much have days like this too!But then I think back and realise that actually I hated Ibiza and I didn't look so good with a crunchy 90's perm but would love to be something other than "just Mum" every now and again x

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  10. It's so tough as when you're feeling low, you look back and it's usually with rose tinted specs on. It's important to not beat ourselves up and decide if there really is a part of who we were that we want to bring back, then we need to make time to make it happen.

    Being a mum has defined me but I too don't want it to be all that does define me. I completely agree with you, what happens once we've poured everything into our children and then they need us less and less? Who is left behind?

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  11. Oh I totally get this Em. Totally get it. x

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  12. I have a box of me that is taped up with parcel tape in the loft and I go through it every now and then. I can completely relate x

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  13. Yep. Feel exactly the same. Don't remember what I used to like, or why. It's all about the kids now! However it is fab. My 'Life' is slowly creeping back for me though - the twins are getting that little less demanding and more independent and so I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Lovely post - Jess x

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  14. I am constantly putting off a similar task of going through our loft and sifting through books, VHS tapes and cassettes. In some ways I'm constantly reliving my past as I am forever playing old music on my iPod as I drive to and from work. So much of my life is tied up in music - certain songs evoke memories of certain events or emotions - it truly is the soundtrack to my life.

    I've resisted throwing stuff away in the past because it feels like to do so is like throwing away little pieces of me. But there's only so much space for 'history' in my life - both literally and figuratively I guess I need to clear away some of the clutter to create space for future memories.

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  15. I love my kids, but I can't wait for them to grow up so that Husband and I can go back to travelling the world and getting pissed and having lie-ins. That is my dream!

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