1) A mid day nap is encouraged.
2) And 12 hours sleep is seen as the ideal and not just pure lazy.
We WANT you to sleep during the day. Screw being awake!
4) But... if you do either in the potty? You get treats!
5) You can tell a few home truths ("Mummy you've got a big belly"!) and nobody minds as "oh they don't really know what they are saying". Sometimes? I'm not so sure.
Witchy boy is perfectly acceptable for the pre-school run.
6) You can wear ridiculous outfits and look cute. Not like a hobo.
7) Snacking is essential for everyday life to continue. Not frowned upon as being a huge greedy cow.
I AM ANGRY FOR NO REASON!
8) If you're pissed off? Just can just drop to the floor. Wherever the hell you like.
9) Or you can scream hysterically knowing full well there is f*ck all anyone can do to stop you.
I AM ALSO ANGRY FOR NO REASON!
10) You get full command of the remote control or you will do 8), 9) or a psychotic combination of both.
11) Household chores are limited to just moving the odd bit of lego. Generally underneath an adults foot.
More Peppa you say?
12) Walking is not always mandatory. In fact being pushed around is preferable.
13) Your only consequence is a trip to the naughty door. Whether it be a small crime like throwing a drink on purpose. Or smashing your brother proper hard in the face.
Fighting? It's worth risking a trip to the naughty door.
14) Almost every horrific thing you do is blamed on a 'growth spurt' or 'being over tired'. And not just you sometimes being an arse.
15) As well as managing to get your poo in a bowl you may also get rewards for: going to bed, staying in bed, being kind, eating all your dinner, getting dressed, not biting, not hitting. In fact? Any normal human action can be rewarded. Happy days!
Mummy's little reward for looking after two cray cray tots!