Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Keep Calm. WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE!

Like any British person. Weather features heavily in my day to day conversation. And any weather that sways from our usual 'dull and a bit cold' freaks me out. Snow makes me never want to leave the house for fear of sliding in slush and I always get caught out during a torrential rain storm on the school run. But currently we are experiencing something we are not used to in the UK. A HEATWAVE! A style of weather that newspapers devote whole front pages to it. And if my husband tells me one more time "tomorrow is going to be the hottest day we have ever had in the world ever!" I am going to shove his iPhone and weather app up his arse. 

The phone says it's going to be hot look, look, LOOK!

We spend the year craving sun. Longing for balmy summer nights and wishing we were on a Caribbean beach. But when it lands on our doorsteps? We kinda freak the f*ck out. We panic buy outdoor toys. I may or may not have sent the other half out for a fan from Asda at 8am on Saturday morning for "fear of them selling out". Summer sheets replace duvets and I slather my children in factor one million (yet they still always get one single burnt cheek). I gorge on ice lolls convincing myself that me sweating, whilst balancing my feet in the paddling pool, is burning them off. 

Even things like walking is a worry in this type of weather. British people don't look cool when we walk in the heat. We struggle. We pant and we often can be found strolling on the shady side of the street. Baffled at what shoes to wear on our feet. A flip flop seems only called for on the beach, a ballet flat is unreasonably sweaty and our brand new gladiator sandals just like Mossy would wear at Glastonbury? Rub and make our cankles look fat. 

Pool time. Hell yeah mofos!

We have to do hurried body maintenance. Shaving everything from our toes to our pits. Toes are hastily painted. Not for our other half obvs. Just so we can look half human for the other Mums on the school run and the odd 'hooray it's summer!' Insta-sham. We rush to Primark and invest in 586 pairs of kids shorts and summer dresses. Pimms is shoved in the cupboard. We especially love a novelty flavour. Men shave nothing but insist on no tops in the garden and BBQs for every meal. Whilst you want to go "mmmm it kinda tastes better cooked in the kitchen".

Kids however? LOVE a snow storm or massive hail stones. So they are overwhelmed by the hot, hot sun. It means outdoor play, it means never ending picnics with sausage rolls and the legal allowing of water fights. They howl with laughter whilst soaking Dad. They can't believe their luck when Mum shoves another Twister in their hand. Days are spent in swimming cossies or with their bum hanging out. And nights are spent refusing to sleep as it's too hot (even when your Mum buys you a snazzy new fan). 

Watch out b*tch. I'm coming after you.

So whilst I am currently sat sweating in a very cheap looking beach dress (in inner city Birmingham) wondering if a third Calippo is two too many? My kids are having the time of their life. And that's all that counts really isn't it? Oh and did you know it's going to be the hottest day ever tomorrow??! Yeah it is. My husband told me. 

8 comments:

  1. Ha! We are obviously on the same wavelength, check out my post from today. It's going to be 35C tomorrow in London. I may die. It's been good knowing you. Have a good life. xx

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    1. Haha ha do not die! I want to see you next week! x

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  2. yer what is wrong with us!! ha ha!! We do freak out as if we've never experienced hot weather!! Currently sat with 3 fans on!! Ridiculous!! Enjoy the hottest day of the year and try not to shove the ipad up his arse! Pissed myself at that but and just saw the pic of your son!! 'watch out bitch!!' comedy xxx

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    1. Ha ha ha ha! He was vicious with it! x

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  3. I'm ginger which means I am pretty much allergic to the sun BUT the kids are loving it! x

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    1. Oh god same being fair. NIGHTMARE! x

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  4. All so true! I shaved everything on Monday and am wondering whether I need to do it all again today to maintain 'standards'. Iny view, flipflops are always acceptable footwear - from April to October.

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