We spend the year craving sun. Longing for balmy summer nights and wishing we were on a Caribbean beach. But when it lands on our doorsteps? We kinda freak the f*ck out. We panic buy outdoor toys. I may or may not have sent the other half out for a fan from Asda at 8am on Saturday morning for "fear of them selling out". Summer sheets replace duvets and I slather my children in factor one million (yet they still always get one single burnt cheek). I gorge on ice lolls convincing myself that me sweating, whilst balancing my feet in the paddling pool, is burning them off.
Even things like walking is a worry in this type of weather. British people don't look cool when we walk in the heat. We struggle. We pant and we often can be found strolling on the shady side of the street. Baffled at what shoes to wear on our feet. A flip flop seems only called for on the beach, a ballet flat is unreasonably sweaty and our brand new gladiator sandals just like Mossy would wear at Glastonbury? Rub and make our cankles look fat.
We have to do hurried body maintenance. Shaving everything from our toes to our pits. Toes are hastily painted. Not for our other half obvs. Just so we can look half human for the other Mums on the school run and the odd 'hooray it's summer!' Insta-sham. We rush to Primark and invest in 586 pairs of kids shorts and summer dresses. Pimms is shoved in the cupboard. We especially love a novelty flavour. Men shave nothing but insist on no tops in the garden and BBQs for every meal. Whilst you want to go "mmmm it kinda tastes better cooked in the kitchen".
Kids however? LOVE a snow storm or massive hail stones. So they are overwhelmed by the hot, hot sun. It means outdoor play, it means never ending picnics with sausage rolls and the legal allowing of water fights. They howl with laughter whilst soaking Dad. They can't believe their luck when Mum shoves another Twister in their hand. Days are spent in swimming cossies or with their bum hanging out. And nights are spent refusing to sleep as it's too hot (even when your Mum buys you a snazzy new fan).
Watch out b*tch. I'm coming after you.
So whilst I am currently sat sweating in a very cheap looking beach dress (in inner city Birmingham) wondering if a third Calippo is two too many? My kids are having the time of their life. And that's all that counts really isn't it? Oh and did you know it's going to be the hottest day ever tomorrow??! Yeah it is. My husband told me.