The Dream: You manage to get a ticket with a like minded person who also loves YouTube a bit too much. Who you can go along with and enjoy the blogging megastar Louise Live (aka Sprinkle of Glitter)'s show. You may go for lunch before. And have a few cheeky cocktails after.
The Reality: You PANIC and buy just one ticket. Convincing yourself that you will have the confidence to go alone and it no way shape or form will be terrified. Forgetting that when you went to see Madonna by yourself. You managed to get your handbag trapped under the seats and spent an hour weeping, trying to release it and missing the greatest hits section.
The Night Before
The Dream: You practice some amazing aloof chit chat. Plan a speech about how said hero has helped you to find that you truly love writing. How this has led you on a journey where you have made great new friends and have had many wonderful and unforgettable adventures with your small children.
The Reality: You do the above. But repeat it over and over and over in your head to the point where you think you are going a bit mad. You decide to have a few gins to calm down. Because booze always helps you think straight. Ahem.
The Day Of
The Dream: You get up, go about your daily business remembering that caffeine has a tendency to make you go a bit psychotic. So you avoid it at all costs and have a caffeine free tea.
The Reality: YOU DRINK FIVE WHOLE CANS OF COKE. Forgetting to remember that when you are a bit nervous you forget to remember that caffeine makes you go a bit funny. And by funny? You mean bat sh*t cray cray.
The Dream: You coolly arrive seconds before with your friend. You walk in looking glamorous, serene, a sophisticated woman of the world.
The Reality: You arrive alone. An hour early. With your kids. They immediately start smashing a wall with a stick and start screaming. Your husband removes said feral children. You look around and realise? You are 20 years older than every other person there. Bar the three random Mums. You console yourself by ordering ANOTHER Coke. This time? You make it full fat. As sugar and caffeine is an AMAZING combination.
Meeting Your Hero
The Dream: You calmly queue. You say what you want to say with such poise that you are proud of yourself. You leave and calmly await for the show to start.
The Reality: YOU BURST OUT CRYING AND YOU ARE ALONE AND YOU SAY YOUR SPEECH BUT YOU SOUND MAD AND THEN YOU LOOK AROUND BUT YOU REALISE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE AND YOU DECIDE THE ONLY THING TO DO IS?...sit down, slowly die of shame and? Have another Coke.
The Dream: She is kind and listens to what you have to say. She is funny and confirms that she is indeed a great role model.
The Reality: See above. Thank F*ck for that.
If by some small chance you are reading this Louise? I apologise for my insanity. It was hot. I was alone and high on caffeine. Your show was amazing and funny. I generally make a d*ck out of myself and as my husband said? "Well let's be honest. We all expected it."
Watch what happened. I managed to avoid weeping on camera. THANK GOD!