Wednesday, 17 June 2015

What The Hell Is a Basic B*tch And Am I One?!

I'm sat in a coffee shop. The boy has joyously fallen asleep so I've got an hour or so to catch up on all the worlds news. OK so I brought Grazia. Because it was a £1. The cover story is the one about Kate Moss calling an Easy Jet pilot a 'Basic B*tch'* after the police escorted her off a plane due to her being tipsy on vodka. Was I shocked and upset by this story? Not really, I couldn't give a sh*t. But what I was upset about was...I literally have NO CLUE what 'Basic B*tch' means? Mossy is four years older than me and is managing to use youth speak like there's no tomorrow. Whilst I'm still getting my head round "totes", "cray cray" and "amazeballs".

Recently I have come to the decision I am literally from another planet. I've been watching Love Island on ITV2. Apart from saying "Oh it's not as good as the year Jayne Middlemiss lost her sh*t over Lee Sharpe" approximately every ten minutes, I also am confused about the world they are from.  They speak with words my ears do not know. What does "pied" mean? Why do the men wear super short shorts? And how come the women don't mind being traded around like pieces of meat? Why are they wearing full make up around the pool? And more importantly why do the men have much better eyebrows (and legs) than me?!


When I was 20 it was the late 90s and our role models were laddettes ala Sara Cox and Zoe Ball. Men were scruffy in jeans that weren't skintight and didn't look a bit like ladies jeggings. There were no lovers tiffs over social media. If you had photos taken on nights out you had to wait for them to be developed to see the shenanigans that you had got up to and if your make up looked good (it didn't). Yeah sure there was still heartbreak, rows and inappropriate PDAs. But thank The Lord there was no public shaming. No being "pied" or "mugged off" on Facebook for all to see. There's no evidence of me flashing my boobs on a girls holiday for future bosses to see. Or video footage of me puking on my 21st. 

Do I still fit in today's world? Could I in fact be a 'Basic B*tich'? Am I in fact mugging myself off? Did my husband recently pie me? And do I need to get him tiny fluorescent shorts and make him have huge sculpted brows? Should I walk round with a contoured face and do something weird in a shot glass so I have huge lips? No of course I shouldn't. I am a 37 year old Mother of two who loves pyjamas more than reasonable. My lips are bog standard. And my husbands brows? Bushy.

In fact? I am ridiculously glad that I lived my early 20s away from all this. I am glad that my dumping's (sob) took place over the phone or to my face. We did our contouring with what is commonly know as 'blusher'. Men's shorts were combats and knee length. And? The only pie I liked was apple and scorching hot from McDonalds. 


*Basic bitch (or simply basic) is a slang term in American popular culture used to pejoratively describe people who like popular, mainstream products or music. Well that's cleared that up then.

38 comments:

  1. This is brilliant! I too am watching love island thinking what the actual hell?! Who are these people and is this actual real life?? I feel like I'm from another planet! I'm here to tell you that you're not alone, youth of today are not from this world :) x

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    1. They aren't! They are such strange creatures! x

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  2. ha ha total comedy read!!! I have no clue what that means either!! shit what has happened to us! I thought I was down with the kids but clearly not!! Loving Love Island ....escapism all the way!!!

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  3. I'm with you my love! Basic B*tch and proud!!
    Growing up for me was the sweater shop oversized jumpers, jeans & a pair of reebok classics!

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    1. Same here! Oh and tartan trousers. Ha HA! x

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  4. I have no idea what half of those words you just said were and i'm 26! oh dear.. 'basic bitch' all the way!

    www.mattandannas.blogspot.com

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  5. Absolutely love this post, you funny lady. Yup - growing up and behaving badly before all this stuff had to be infinitely better. I also reckon being Sarah Cox had to be way more fun than being a contoured duck face! �� ✋�� high five to basic b*tches (whatever the hell they are)

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    1. Sara Cox rocked! And I had amazing short Zoe Ball hair at one time! x

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  6. Completely agree. I would hate to be 20 now! x

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  7. I'm worse than you, what's cray cray, is it crazy? haha. ps.....I loved Love Island with Jayne & Lee!

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  8. Hehe I really want to use "Basic bitch" in a sentence now. I have no idea what it means either. It took my almost a year to work out who the heck Iggy Azalea was and today I've just seen an article that says her career has taken a nose dive (probably not true but typical it takes me this long to figure it all out). Are we old?

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    1. We are old. And that is good!! WE ROCK! x

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  9. Thanks for clearing up the 'basic bitch' thing. I had no idea either, but I'm as old as Mossy, so most definitely past it. As I am grateful that all youth this passed without social media for me, I am now in fear for my kids and the pressures they will be under.

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    1. Same here! I really worry about what kind of life they will have to face x

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  10. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had no idea what it meant, and I am very glad I did my growing up in the pre-Facebook era. It was bad enough waking up on a Saturday morning and wondering what the hell you did last night without seeing it plastered all over social media. Almost makes me feel sorry for the youth of today! xx

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    1. This made me laugh! God if someone took photos of my nights out? JEEZ! x

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  11. I totally agree! Very funny but also quite chilling what the young folk are up to nowadays. Hopefully by the time ours are 20 there'll have been a complete backlash and everyone will wear full Victorian bathing suits to the pool. Xx

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    1. YES!!!! And those corset things with keys so no-one can touch their bits x

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  12. I'm intrigued, what does pie mean!!? And cray cray?? Very funny and so true. Ugh must be hideous being Kate moss trying to pretend to know what everyone is talking about! Lucy @ occupation:(m)other

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    1. Pie I think means rejecting and cray cray I am presuming crazy! x

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  13. These short shorts massively disturb me too, its just not necessary! I also remember the Love Island Jane Middlemiss year, much LOLS, can't watch that stuff now as its just how you describe! x

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    1. Oh it WAS SO GOOD! Why can't it be on again. Lovely to see you at the weekend bab x

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  14. Haha! Totes (do people even say that anymore)! We need a translation function or brackets, anything to help us. P.S I have to tell you a story about Lee Sharpe when I see you!!!

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  15. I can't stop laughing!! This is how I feel daily around the yoof. Fab post lady xx

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  17. I wondered what a basic bitch was too when I read that Grazia article. At first I though it meant someone was basically a bitch (as opposed to something else?!) but then I thought it meant you were simple or plain or something. Which I guess it does really?!
    I totally admire Kate Moss for still being cool but not giving a shit whether anyone thinks she's cool or not - as the Grazia editor's comment says, Kate's motto is 'never complain, never explain'.

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    1. She is cool. Far cooler than I will EVER be. Sad Sad times x

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  18. Oh dear, looks like I'm a basic bitch too then! One of my guilty pleasures is watching Geordie Shore and I have no clue about half the stuff they talk about, it really is a world away from my early 20s life! Myspace wasn't even a thing when I was that age!!

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  19. Ha ha Basic Bitch! I like to think I'm pretty 'down with the kids' at the best of times but the very fact I've said it, means that I'm not. So not. I've never heard of pied (you didn't explain that one btw) and I don't think I've ever read Grazia. And as for the eyebrows? I wrote a whole blog post on those not so long ago. I simply cannot comprehend that men are now sporting 'slugs' for brows. Yuck!

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  20. lol, my husband keeps saying pied and pied off, I keep meaning to ask him what he's on about! He's obviously more down with the kids than I am!

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  21. I'm 28 and no idea what basic bitch and pied means!! My 20's dispeared drastically when baby appeared last year!

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