Sunday, 27 September 2015

00Mum: License To Lie

Kids god love em. The one annoying thing about them is that they are always looming around. Like ALL THE BLOODY TIME! One can't leave a child alone really. As I suppose it could be seen as a bit dangerous. What with the possibility of them falling over, or smashing things or eating dog food (only happened once. STOP JUDGING) and so on. So it's time to get clever. With no formal training you have to become a double agent. One half caring parent whilst the other? Cunning, lying, calculating adult. With the main aim of pulling the wool over your little lovelies eyes.

Mission: To drink tea. Warm
Planning is key with this one. A Peppa episode lasts four minutes. So go, go, go! Kettle on. Pour. Stew for a minute and drink within two. OK so you may scald your mouth but that's better than tepid sick style tea with floaty milk bits or the odd renegade raisin (seriously those b*stards get everywhere).

God Bless Britters

Mission: To eat a chocolate bar. Undiscovered
Healthy eating blah blah. We should promote fruit and veg blah blah. All we want to do after a long day going slowly insane by being stuck in the house with two tiny tots is eat a bit of chocolate in peace. This can be done in the following ways 1) eat with head in fridge whilst 'looking' for grapes 2) say "LOOK AT THAT! Mr Tumble is in the garden!" and consume the whole thing in two pieces 3) pretend it is medicine.

Mission: To watch the remainder of Made in Chelsea. In peace
You only have 20 minutes to find out who Jamie's cheated on. You know that this is not appropriate for your toddler (curse you morals) so you organise the 'great jigsaw challenge!'. Get out every jigsaw your child owns. And say. "If you can get all of these done. You can win a prize!"*. Relax and watch the reality drama unfold.  Smug at your educational methods of play. *Optional - hide at least two pieces to delay completion.

I ESCAPED!


Mission: To wee. Alone
Again Peppa is four minutes which is time to wee. However if you feel four minutes will not suffice and you don't fancy your toddler watching and questioning "why does it look like that?" or "what is that up your foo Mummy?". The the only way forward is? Biscuits and an episode of Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse. If this settles the little mites for a bit then by all means read the latest copy of Heat whilst you poo. Multi-tasking is key when being a parent.

Mission: To leave the house. Undetected
We all need a break. You've got a babysitter but you know for sure sobbing will ensue as you try to leave for a (some say treat I say basic human right) haircut. You could always revert to Peppa but this may have been used for tea breaks throughout the day. There's no way you can humanly fill them with any more biscuits. Jigsaws throughout the house have been completed (even the ridiculously hard Thomas one). So. There is only one way to do this. Tell a bare faced lie of where you are going. I always use "I am off to clean". No specifics. Just clean. Somewhere. And as we know toddlers hate cleaning! Works every bloody time!

Once you have completed all five missions successfully you are ready to tackle others such as 'have a phone call without your child screaming throughout' or 'eating a bag of crisps in front them and not having to share' or 'listening to grown up music in the car'. But baby steps. Being a double agent is hard. Now got to go. I have a four minute window to drink tea, wee and eat the kids Smarties, sorry I mean take my 'medicine'. Happy days.

8 comments:

  1. hehehe! This is hilarious! Peppa pig is a lifesaver when they are little! I have found Minecraft videos work great when they are older and they last longer too ;)

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  2. I really love the way you write. Hilarious!

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  3. So funny. Another great post. My two tiny terrors are allergic to nuts so anything I don't want to share has nuts in (I actually can't eat nuts either) lol!

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  4. Never had a peppa fan in this house but Justin's house they think is hilarious and a whopping 20 mins long!! I have had whole uninterrupted showers since discovering this. Happy days.

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  5. Brilliant! Even now, I am often 'putting washing away' because there's no way the kids will ever bother to confirm if it's actually true. It gives me social media time and chocolate eating time. Plus the kids' programmes and those flipping awful YouTube videos they watch are a lot longer than four minutes :)

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  6. Haha brilliant. Good old Peppa eh?! Xx

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  7. Flipping brilliant! My weapon of choice is Postman Pat. I can get a lot done in 15 minutes that I wouldn't have thought possible before kids! Shower, load the washing machine, iron my clothes and down a hot brew. Amazing! :)

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