Dear The BBC...
There have been terrifying rumours knocking around Facebook (so it must be fact right?) that you are considering cutting the CBeebies channel from our screens. ARE YOU F *CKING INSANE?! What is wrong with you? Why would you do this to us? Below I have compiled a list of all the reasons why CBeebies saves parents lives. And it really, really does.
1) If you remove CBeebies from our screens what on earth are we supposed to do in the early morning hours? When our kids are up at 6am? If anything you should be making the hours LONGER. All night. Just so I don’t have to sit with half shut eyes watching that bit where it repeats over and over again
2) Without CBeebies I will NEVER be able to go to the toilet in peace. If I shove a lovely bit of Mr Tumble on. Then that gives me a good ten minutes to go for a wee. And maybe even read a bit of Heat magazine whilst I am there. Oh or drink a hot tea or put a baby wipe round the kitchen worktops.
Me and Mr Bloom. My imaginary husband
4) For the past four years. Each night. I sit down and watch In The Night Garden with my kids. The music alone makes them feel sleepy. And yes Upsy Daisy is a bit of a ho and the plots are bizarre and feel like they are written due to vast quantities of drugs being consumed. But without it? MY CHILDREN WON’T SLEEP! Why are you so cruel?
Who needs children to settle themselves to sleep when you have Igglepiggle?
5) Who am I supposed to fancy when Mr Bloom is not on my screen talking about his aubergine? My husband? Are you mad? Where is the fun in that? Mr Bloom (and especially the episode where he was in a wetsuit without his hat on) has been my secret boyfriend for nearly five years. You will be breaking up a happy pretend marriage. You homewreckers!
This man. Teaches my kids things! #iamashape
I beg of you. Don’t take CBeebies off our screens. A nation of parents will be devastated And forced to watch Peppa Pig. On repeat. All day. YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO US!
Mrs ‘Soon To Be’ Bloom
PS If you want to cancel Me Too. That's OK. That Granny Murray is a proper nob.