Monday, 28 September 2015

The Insanity Of Marriage

My husband is 6ft2. And has size 11 feet. And he has these manky flip flops. That are like boats. Actual boats. Boats that could be used if my guinea pigs ever wanted to escape in a flood. And there would still be plenty of room. Every day my husband. Leaves them by the back door. This has been going on for three years. EVERY DAY HE LEAVES THEM BY THE BACK DOOR AND DOES NOT PUT THEM AWAY AND I WANT TO KILL HIM.

Sometimes? I chuck them in the garden in a fit of anger. They return. Sometimes I text "your f*cking flip flops are by the back door AGAIN". They are still there. Sometimes I plan on throwing them away then I forget. These flip flops are a symbol of the insanity of marriage. Or any long term relationship. Today I went shopping and brought five ornanment pumpkins. And I know that at some point tonight my husband will think to himself "those pumpkins are proper sh*t and I want to smash them with my giant flip flops". 

Those. F*CKING. Flip Flops

It could just be us (and here is when I pray it's not just us) but as time goes on there are teeny tiny things about being with someone for such a long time that start to send you insane. You manage to get through the big things. When your daughter starts school? You weep together, you hold each other and get on with it. When there is an emergency rush to the hospital? You work together as a team. One calming the child whilst the other packs a bag. You are (most of the time) totally in sync.

But then there are those moments when you're not. When you both lie there praying the other will get up with the kids at 5am on a Sunday morning. Or when it appears to be your turn to DO THE WASHING UP AGAIN. Or the times when you find a giant pair of green flip flops and it makes you want to grate them into a pile of green plastic. The blips that drive us insane but become part of the blanket of everyday life.

Oh Emma! I LOVE your ornament pumpkins (grrrr)

And it's OK. Because the teeny tiny things don't really matter. Life isn't perfect. And I bet even Jay Z sometimes says "Beyonce stop calling yourself Sasha Fierce. You're Beyonce you daft cow!". Then Blue Ivy falls over and they are working back together as a team*.  So as long as those f*cking flip flops are still looming around my back door and give me something to get really angry about I suppose life is OK. And to get my revenge? One of my new pumpkins is dead sparkly. And I'm going to put it on his bedside table. 

*Yes I do spend an unreasonable amount of time thinking about Beyonce and JayZ's life. And they always speak Brummie in my head.

18 comments:

  1. Hooray for sparkly pumpkins, and guinea pig-rescuing flip flops - a perfectly normal marriage! x

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  2. Please tell me where to get these sparkly pumpkin ornaments so I can buy them in bulk. This may be my ultimate trump card.

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  3. Oh the flip flops. This made me laugh. This is the kind of thing that drives me insane too. Have you considered putting sequins and glitter on his flip flops? hahaha

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  4. Oh the flip flop battle... I know it well. �� Great perspective, though. I'll have to remember it next time I find my husband's clothes randomly strewn about the house. Lol

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    1. (Why don't men understand that laundry goes IN the laundry basket??)

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  5. I love your suppositions about the real life of Beyonce and Jay Z Emma - that did make me laugh :-D

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  6. Ah I was only thinking this the other day when I picked the soaking shower mat off the floor. I'd miss my husband's size 12 shoes and yes flip flops that block my back door, I'd miss his stinking football kit places IN FRONT of the washing machine (empty) and I'd miss the soaking wet mat on the floor so sometimes I smile. Other times I go bat shit crazy but hey that's normal!

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  7. He he - I know what you mean but thankfully I don't have flip flop problem. MOH cleans, and cleans - even if I've just done it, drives me potty. Love that they speak brummie in your head x

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  8. Ha ha I love this all so true my hubby skate boards around the house when I have banned the kids from doing it drives me mad x

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  9. It's taken me a loooooong 13 years but I have finally achieved it. I have got Husband to put his dirty laundry NEXT to the wash basket. I almost cried when I saw that it wasn't just 'at the side of the bed' like normal. I knew he loved me!!

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  10. I agree wholeheartedly. It bugs the hell out of me that my husband has a whole drawer in the kitchen for his stuff, but it always seems to spill out everywhere. He has to deal with my stuff being absolutely everywhere but that's another story. ;-). We both came together when our little man was poorly and at that point nothing else matters. x

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  11. Haha. So glad it's not just us. So much that my husband does makes me want to hurt him. But I love him too. How mixed up is that?! Xx

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  12. Ha ha this post made me proper giggle - him n his HOOOGE green flips flops!!
    Funny!
    Sammy x

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  13. You and my husband would get on brilliantly together. He's always moaning at us for leaving shoes out and saying he's the only one who puts them away blah blah blah.

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  14. Ok, I totally understand that as my husband does the same thing! Always leaves it by the front door, waiting to trip me over. In celebration of your next upcoming Wicked Wednesday Linkup (have never done that before), which gave me an evil idea -I might hide them (or burn) and take a photo of him looking for it swearing and link up? LOL...I feel normal already.

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  15. Ah just LOVE this Emma! So, so true. I get ridiculously annoyed about the most trivial of things....the fact that he puts his socks ON the linen basket rather that IN it....but he also unloads the dishwasher every morning so can I complain? Not really. Those green flip flops are awesome! x

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  16. Ha! I love this! My husband moves our armchair in the living room to an ever so slight angle instead of straight and it drives me mad every time I enter the room! Totally normal marriage x

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  17. Hehe grating the flip flips into a pile of green plastic made me lol! I would've so done this by now! the OH and I constantly moan about each other's 'stuff' everywhere but neither of us changes! Happy days :)

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