Monday, 5 October 2015

Sometimes? I Lie Down In A Dark Room

Sometimes. When I know my children are happily playing downstairs. One may be on the tablet. Whilst the other is colouring. I go upstairs. Somewhere where I can still hear their chitter chatter. And I lie down. Face down. In a dark room. I'm exhausted. And I breathe. Slowly. And think of nothing. Just for a bit. I push worries of washing up, homework and making the tea out of my mind. And I lie. Very, very still.

For the past few years life has been a never ending rush. And most of the time it is amazing. And fun. But it can also be exhausting. And draining. It may be because I am too hard on myself. The house is always clean, my books at work are always marked and every second of every day is full. Jam packed. Of stuff. I struggle to relax. Working part time I feel guilty I'm not bringing in as much as my husband. So I overcompensate with never ending vacuuming and polishing.

My head. Face down. On this duvet.

My mind is also full of worry. Worry that as my two are growing up where does that leave me? In a few years time I will have no children at home. What will I do then? Will I return to work seven years behind my peers in my career? I'm finding it hard to live in the moment and not worry about the future. So sometimes I lie down. And stop. And try and regain the balance in my day. 

Whilst I'm lying there I wonder. I wonder if other Mum's lie face down? Maybe in the middle of packing for a big holiday. Or wrapping one bazillion birthday presents. Or perhaps when they are writing invitations or filling in huge school application forms. Do they simply put down what they are doing. Find the nearest bed. And lie down. In the dark. Face buried deep in the duvet. And wait. Quietly. Until it is noticed that they are missing. 

It's generally happens after five minutes. Or if you're lucky. Ten. Before the chitter chatter turns to fighting. Or someone jumps on you demanding snacks. The phone may ring or someone screams "Mummmmmmmmmyyyyy!!!" up the stairs. And I push myself up with an unladylike grunt and crack on with the rest of the day. 

11 comments:

  1. I do this. But face up looking at the celling! Just for 5 mins peace and space from the noise of the day. The trick is not to fall asleep!!

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  2. I sit with my back against a cold wall in the dark, I try to zone out. I can't do the bed trick as I'd be snoring in seconds. Really love this post, it makes me feel normal (& human) thank you.

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  3. I totally understand this
    I'm about to pack for our first family holiday abd want to curl up and cry. My other half says when he finds me crying that it'll work out in the end and I bombard him with all the what ifs that are zooming round my head. Bless he looks flummoxed
    Hey motherhood is nothing but guilt worry and undying love - oh the joy x x x - I'll be curled up under the bed gently rocking of you want me avoiding the packing

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    1. I always end up having a breakdown packing. It is SO HARD! x

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  4. I do this, instinctually - I don't even realise I'm doing it. I just sot in the dark in the bathroom for a bit longer than needed, listening to the house and all the noise in my head. It helps!

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  5. I like your style! I have never done this. Although I do spend longer in the toilet or sorting out washing than necessary - emerging at the point when they all start yelling it each other! I find it impossible to relax or stay still too, but it never manifests itself in the need to clean. Must make sure hubby never sees this or he might get ideas...

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    1. Ha ha ha!! I would love it if your husband randomly read my blog! ;) x

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  6. Yes! I do this! I also sit in the toilet with the door closed sometimes, just to get five minutes to think. We would all go mad otherwise, wouldn't we???

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