Tuesday, 10 November 2015

10 Ways To Survive A Small Child With A Cold

1) You wake up to hear a little voice wailing "muummmmmmy". You enter a hot, stinking bedroom and see the following. Snot. Snot in their hair. Snot on the sheets. Snot on the wall? And you think "sh*t". This. Is. Bad.

2) The child turns (more) psychotic. Your normal batty four year old is more cray cray than usual. They weep and moan and shout and are super naughty in ways your never knew imaginable. You try to keep calm whilst internally punishing them so hard, if they knew the inner workings of your mind? They would be terrified. 

3) Any attempts to feed said poorly child are poo pooed. You try every breakfast food known to man which they refuse. You resort to the 'Wotsit' which they eat with glee suddenly regaining their appetite. Sods. 

4) Any attempts to get fluid in to said poorly child are also poo pooed. You read somewhere that pure orange juice will make them better but also make them sh*t a lot. Panic sets in. Snot AND sh*t? Nobody's got time for that. You resort to the 'fruit shoot'. 

5) As your husband leaves for work you realise that you are left alone with the snotty grotty, monster for at least ten hours. You race through your brain to think of amazing mother/daughter bonding activities you can do whilst trapped in the house...however you instead reach for the remote and put CBeebies on. And get the crazy Kinder Egg lady ready on YouTube in case of emergency. Which you resort to precisely three minutes later.


6) THERE IS SNOT IN THEIR EYES. Oh no! This can only mean one thing??? Conjunctivitis!!! Or is it snot? Or is it conjunctivitis? GAH!? You rinse your child's eyes out with cotton wool forgetting to use a different clean piece on each eye ensuring that if they didn't have conjunctivitis. They bloody well do now. 

7) Lunchtime. They are now refusing the 'Wotsit'. You try the 'French Frie'. This is paramount to offering a turd. They gorge on smarties. You gorge on tea. Wishing it was gin. 

8) You phone your husband. Wailing that you can't face any more CBeebies and when the god damn hell is he coming home? He points out that it is only 11:30am and "didn't you have lunch a bit early?". You scream and feel like you are living in a time warp. Ran by Mr Tumble and Mr Maker. You want to kill them both.

9) You've watched CBeebies for so long. They are now showing the programmes they showed in the morning. You keep quiet. No one notices. Phew. You try to nap whilst keeping one eye on your child's snot riddled eye making a mental note to rinse with boiled water later. And instantly forget. You cuddle the child. And get snot in your hair. Sigh. 

10) Happy days! Your other half returns and knows it is wise to not question why everyone is having mini cheddars, ice cream and two fruit shoots for tea. Child goes to bed. All is well with the world....

...only to awake 47 minutes later screaming. You sigh. Put the kettle on again. Get the Calpol out and know you're in for a long, long night ahead...

12 comments:

  1. Taking care of sick child is a drag. Also, what is this myth about when children are sick they sleep alot? I'm sure I remember sleeping all day when I had a cold, but never ever seen my 4 year old do that yet, when?!
    Good luck hun.
    Katrina

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    1. Ha ha ha! Weirdly thought my girl is now still in bed which is totally unheard of!!!! WORRYING!!! x

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  2. I feel your pain currently have 2 mini people with the dreaded tummy bug which in mum terms if you arnt cleaning bums you are cleaning up puke trying not to gag whilst fireman sodding sam gloats at you cheerfully from the safety of pontypandy, hang on whys my tummy grumbling now oh s%ft

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    1. Oh god the tummy bug is just the worst in the world. Especially when you have to clean up vomit from everywhere. AWFUL TIMES!!! x

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  3. It is so hard when they're ill. I tend to just admit defeat, throw all plans out the window and sit down with them (getting totally smothered in snot...) x

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    1. We have done A LOT of sitting down this week! I am hoping for much for fun in the next week! x

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  4. Aaaagh! I particularly laughed at the 'didn't you have lunch a bit early?'. This is all so horribly familiar. If there's one thing worse than an ill child, it's an ill child with CBeebies on loop until it starts to addle your brain. Mini Cheddars and Fruit Shoots are essential for ill children - it's fluid and calories, nothing else matters, right?

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    1. Exactly. Fruit shoots makes kids well! It's a fact! I think???? ;) x

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  5. Ahhh poor you love these though. At least you find humor in all that craze darling we all have been there and can relate. I am awful I plug them into the ipad to hear silence. Bad mommy alert I know. :) Then dose them up on calpol and ib and hope they sleep the rest of it off.

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    1. Ha ha ha!!! Never a bad Mummy to me lovely!!! And Calpol works the best doesn't it??? x

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  6. Yep been there we got rid of a cold 3 days later it came back then got rid again and just noticed snot coming out of my daughters nose and I'm full on like you have got to be kidding me?! My daughter is a fussy eater so when she's Ill it's so hard to get her to eat I resorted to the left over sweets that I brought for trick or treaters that never actually came round �� My daughter likes to wipe it on her sleeves leaving what I like to call snail trails on her lovely clothes lol

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    1. Mmmmm snot on clothes! We have had this now all week! It's a ruddy nightmare! x

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