Saturday, 7 November 2015

The Ten Rules Of Being 'Mum'

When I first found out I was pregnant I was over the moon but had no idea that as soon as the baby popped (or in my case pulled) out, I inadvertently had signed some weird invisible contract. And it appears that I can't get out of for the foreseeable future. Balls.

1) Thou shall always have a 'Mum' bag...
For the past few years I have had to carry around a ridiculous, massive, giant bag. Every day. Always. It has a variety of things in it from tiny pants to spare dummies to little dirty broken toys. This bag will remain bottomless yet when I require just one single nappy. It will prove fruitless. And result in me silent swearing (you know where you mouth "F*CK" so the kids don't hear) whilst I empty the contents out into the street. 

2) Thou shall always be in charge of packing. For everyone...
We have been on a few holidays since having the children and for some reason I signed up to be on packing duty? For like four people? It takes days and days. No one cares. No one appreciates it but when I dare to forget bloody swimming nappies? It is clearly my fault. 

3) Thou shall only wear a 'Mum' coat...
I used to own a nice coat. Ones without a hood. Some were tight fitted beauties. Now? I have a 'Mum' coat. I have had several of these over the past few years. But always in the same guise. Always like a parka. But not one that makes me look bang on trend. Keep an eye out. Most Mums have these coats. With their hood pulled up. Running in the rain. Looking tired. Accompanied by a 'jazzy shoe'. Probably Joules Wellies if you're feeling fancy. And a snarl.

Can't beat a 'jazzy' wellie! Doom

4) Thou shall always have everything known to man on hand. Always...
To be a 'Good Mum' you must have to hand at all times the following: nappies, sun tan lotion, wellies, spare pants, spare spare pants, toys, snacks, plasters, Calpol, a drink, more pants, emergency bribes, woolly hats, sun hats, spare socks. And so on. You need to be prepared for any occurrence. And woe betide the Mother that doesn't have a Minion plaster on hand when a child falls over and scrapes their knee in the middle of nowhere. 

5) Thou shall worship at the alter of dry shampoo...
Never ever ever did I think the day would come where I thought about the use of dry shampoo. Ever. Now? I can tell you about the various flavours on offer (cherry is my choice at the mo) and how long to spray it to make you look like you've showered. I'll be honest. That never happens. You are fooling yourself. You look like a tramp who has just used dry shampoo. 

6) Thou shall happily give over your whole abode to your child...
We have a playroom. A whole room designated to play. So why the hell is there another toy box in the living room? Then kids books in our bedroom? And one gazillion rotting smelly bath toys? Oh and don't forget the rubbish (I mean beautiful) pieces of art that will litter your shelves. 

This. Is Doc Mc Stuffins. Right

7) Thou shall never wee alone again...
When you have children 1) you need the toilet every hour on the hour due to labour 2) you have to take maybe one or two tiny people to the toilet with you. They stare at you when you wee. Ask what your tampon is and worse? Open the bloody lock in public toilets and reveal your huge arse to the world. 

8) Thou need to be scared...
Not just of accidents and the normal worrying things. But what is going to be said. Whenever my girl says "My mummy says..." I am terrified she is going to reveal a rather mean nickname of a 'friend' or tell someone a rude word I said whilst driving. Both have happened. 

9) Thou shall never be able to watch TV again...
Peppa Pig. The utter knob. No matter how much you say you're not going to be a Mum who lets their kids watch TV. Its draw will be too much and you will be submerged into a world of hell. You will think about why is Mr Potato so big? Why is Danny Dog the same size as Pedro Pony? Dogs and horses are not the same size! And so on. I have a Masters in Education. Yet I wondered what happened to Barbies parents. I even googled it. I am brain dead. Oh and don't forget the many hours lost watching a crazy lady unwrap Kinder Eggs on YouTube. She's insane. But a God send.

KNOB! Peppa. Not my son

There's a million of other stupid things I never dreamt would be involved with being a Mum. Including being the one to deal with daft health visitors ("don't let your children eat the dog food dear". Mmmmm noted), cleaning up sick from every nook and cranny in a child's bedroom, and holding them down when they are being evilly injected by the doctors. But there is one rule we shall never forget. And praise be:

10) Thou shall be fuelled by caffeine. Caffeine shall be your drink of choice (and sometimes gin and lots of it)...

23 comments:

  1. You are a genius! Thank you for making me laugh and not feel alone xx

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  2. So true! Was thinking about asking for a new handbag for Christmas, but then thought WHY?? I need a new gigantic mum bag ;-)

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    1. Course you do! Get yourself a nice Cath one! x

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  3. Haha, I love this. Today my little boy told me he wanted to hold my hand whilst I had a wee, what on earth??? xx

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  4. Haha so true, especially the mum coat and mum bag! ;) x

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    1. Sigh the joy of a mum coat. I have loads and loads of the things! x

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  5. All of it rofl zx

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  6. And thou shalt need wine at the end of every day. NEVER forget the wine ;) PS I've got 3 coats - all of them mum ones!

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    1. Of course you need wine. Or how about a lovely bit of gin! x

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  7. Ha love this. I wonder how old the kids actually have to be when we ditch the mum coat ? Totally am with you re the packing.... though I draw the line at packing for the husband. He takes about 5 minutes and 23 seconds to pack. Takes me about 3 days and a whole heap of stress lol. Pass me the gin x

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    1. My Mum still has a Mum coat just like mine. And she's in her 60s!! DOOOOOOM! x

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  8. Mum bag? Check. Pack for everyone? Check - and then do all the bloody washing when you get back from anywhere too!!!! x

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    1. Oh god the never ending washing!!! HORRIBLE TIMES! x

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  9. Laughing so hard right now!! You are absolutely spot on! X

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  10. Ah yes, I have the mum coat and jazzy wellies - we all have to, right?! And oh to be able to watch normal TV again before 7pm! x

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    1. Can you imagine that would be amazing!!! x

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  11. These are ace. Does it mean I fail as a mom if I failed all these ooops best get that mom coat on order pronto!!!

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  12. Nice one! And where do the sodding wipes go from the ginormous mum bag? I have used and disposed of a vest to clean up the inevitable poonami before. Mum of the year! Yay!
    Babyweaningchart.com
    @bibisgrowingup

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  13. My children are a bit older now but most of these still apply. I no longer need to remember nappies, but god forbid that I should forget the camera/tissues/spare clothes for the many times they fall in the stream! DH only has to remember to bring himself of course. And he expects a medal for doing that!

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