Sunday, 13 December 2015

Five Alternative Parenting Skills

So when you have a baby you are obviously meant to immediately become skilled in feeding them, changing their bum, getting them to sleep and all that jazz. But as they get older. You realise there are other skills you need. Some take time. Some come with ease. Some? I am yet to master. Maybe I will one day. By which time they will be 18 and won't give a sh*t any more.

Finding the f*cking dummy
Where oh where is the dummy? You know you brought ten of the sods at £5 a pair so why, when your baby is weeping is it nigh on impossible to find ONE. Just one. Any one! The ones you brought for 'best' or and old one. Just ONE! There have been times where I have resorted to a new born one with my two year old. Or even an old one my girl used to have that randomly appeared in an under the couch panic inspection.*

Stopping naps in the car
Now. I'm not saying I have ever done this. But if one is ten minutes from home and one doesn't want ones child napping thus either a) 'totally wiping out the dream of the afternoon' nap or b) 'sending the child into a bat sh*t cray cray ten minute' car nap. Well. One may drive with one arm on the wheel and one arm shaking the child's leg and hysterically singing a hastily made up "don't go to sleep tra la la laaaaa" song. But I've never done this. As it's dangerous. Ahem.

DO NOT GO TO SLEEP

Making a trip to Poundland exciting
You've come to the end of you maternity leave and you're skint. And you need to leave the house for fear of losing your tiny mind. So where do you go? Poundland of course! My children think this is dream of all shops. And when I mention Poundland they yelp with joy. And when I can say they can choose whatever they like? The wonder in their eyes. I reckon this lasts for only a few years till they realise £1 is actually less than a loaf of bread and Poundland loses it's allure. Then? I am screwed.

Packing a small bag with everything you may ever need in the world ever. Ever x 10
Ah the 'Mum' bag. You need to know how to pack an oversized bag and even if you go out for ten minutes you need everything ranging from a bog standard nappy to a sun hat to spare socks to snacks to a spare dummy (in case you lose one which you will then you won't be able to find the spare dummy). The Mum bag is a wondrous place but also a place where something as simple as a pack of baby wipes gets lost whilst you are covered in sick or there is an emergency crap in your toddlers
pants.

YAY! We are off to the high street! I plan to get razors but you don't know that!

Making the mundane. Marvellous
This takes the talent of an Oscar winning actress this one. Making the ordinary normal everyday crap, dead boring, tasks. Marvellous. "Who wants to go to the Post Office to go and see Postman Pat!?" you exclaim whilst clapping your hands with glee. In reality you want to say "We have to go to the local shop immediately as we have run out of toilet roll, and also kitchen roll which could have been used as a substitute. Baby wipes block the system and last time we used them your Dad told me off so we need to walk in the rain and buy a substandard product from the worlds most miserable shop assistant". But you leave, and sing all about his black and white cat as you jump in muddy puddles.

There are other skills you need such as trying to win toys on a rip off clasper machine whilst your child weeps, not rolling ones eyes when your Mother in Law tries to force mittens on your son. Again. However small steps. I just found a quid under the couch whilst looking for the boys dummy so we are off to go and Spend Spend Spend!

*Yes we use a dummy. They make my children happy. No further discussion is needed unless you know of a dummy finding device.

8 comments:

  1. hahaha! My girls still get exited about Poundland. Especially my eldest. They have some fab beauty bargains in there.

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    1. They do! I have picked up some right bargains there! x

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  2. I swear you could write 101 posts about Poundland. Then do a Poundland 101 linking back to them all. That would be AWESOME! x

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    1. I think I could do literally ONE MILLION! I love them so much! x

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  3. We have been to Poundland today and I may have been manically singing loudly on the way back to avoid an ill-timed nap....! x

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  4. Praise be to the dummy god! May I always have one to hand (for the almost 3 yr old YES he's almost 3 & has a dummy kiss my booty sancimommies) & failing that may I have a pound in my pocket to buy yet another pack of 2 ��

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    1. Ha ha ha! We are going to crack it this Christmas. WE ARE I SWEAR IT! x

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