And I finally think I have figured out what the issue is. I feel that each and every moment with my children should be precious. That I should be trying to spend quality time with them AT ALL TIMES. I should be reading. Or sitting down and having a cuddle. Or just generally being super Mum. So the two hours before school are two hours where I am trying to make breakfast, wash up, get two wriggly humans dressed, wipe bums, clean potty's, put the dryer on, feed pets and also give my kids 100% of my focus, attention and pure love...
The Hulk and a whoopee cushion? Not strictly needed on the school run
...however? THIS CANNOT BE DONE! It just can't. My anxiety of waking up knowing that all this had to happen as well as me having in depth conversations about Mr Potato Head and getting the play doh out was, and I am being totally honest, turning me into a ranty maniac. Shouty Mum was often rearing her head and generally one or all three of us were weeping. So I did what every Mum does and a) not talk to anyone about it and slowly go mad and then b) finally be brave enough to ask other people about their morning routines and it transpires?
They do exactly the same as me but without the crazy "this is supposed to be the best time of our lives!" element. They wash up, they get the kids dressed, they do their hair and they? Just get sh*t done. Nothing more than that. Just live normal life. Just get from a to b with the minimal amount of fuss. High fiving themselves if everyone is clean, fed and happy. Simple as that. And it is as this point I breathed a sigh of relief.
Hide and seek? May be best left after 3:30pm
It's OK sometimes to put the vacuum around and say "I can't read at the moment as I just need to put the washing on bab". There is no guilt to be felt when you are drying your hair and for five minutes you can't play tea parties. It's alright to be exhausted after a days work and suggest "shall we just watch TV for a bit and not build giant castles out of plasticine?".
As that is normal life. That is routine. That is what happens around the other amazing times when we are running across beaches, or sledging down snowy hills. It's the bits in between trips to the park and laughing whilst eating ice cream. It's the plain crap and boring bits that makes the other bits shine so brightly. It's going to take baby steps but I really am going to try hard and smash this. I am going to try and wake up and think "this is all going to get done". And hopefully stupid shouty Mum will only rear her ugly head when my daughter bonks my son on the head with an Elsa doll or someone jumps off the couch Spiderman style.