Monday, 11 January 2016

The Five Stages Of Potty Training

Denial
OK so your toddler really should be being potty trained. They are two. It's about time. But all the books say if they aren't ready you shouldn't do it as it may effect them forever. They could end up as one of those kids that keeps their poo in their bum permanently. And that would be bad. In fact? I would be doing them a disservice if I tried now so I will wait a few months...

...F*ck they are now three and a half. I better get my arse into gear before they become the only child in school in nappies and I screw them up that way instead. It's going to be easy! As they are over three! If they know how to find Kinder Egg opening videos on YouTube? Then they can poo in a potty no?

Anger
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? WHY DO THEY KEEP POOING IN THEIR PANTS? WHY IS THERE POO ON THE RUG? IS THAT A POO IN MY HAIR? SO MUCH POO. WHY? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH POO (weeps whilst a bare foot steps into a worrying warm puddle in the living room).

Yes this is a potty. NOW POO IN IT!

Bargaining 
Right time to get the big dogs out. Bribes. Chocolate coins. One chocolate coin for a wee. Two for a poo. This is going to work! Poo-ing for a chocolate? Sounds the ruddy dream. Sh*t they have cottoned on and now do teeny tiny wees and poos that even a rabbit would mock and expect chocolate. They have eaten 10 coins and it is only 11am. They saved the huge turd for whilst you were mid lunch. It was in their pants. They laughed. Manically.

Depression
Two months in and you have come to terms with the fact that your child is going to be one of those urban legends. The only child that has never been able to be potty trained. When they are a high flying lawyer they will still be in adult pull ups. You cry as you pick up another poo off the floor and the wee seeps into your legging as you kneel in another missed patch. When will this doom ever end?

Only way to survive (I use a glass. Not the potty)

Acceptance
The summer has arrived. And finally your child has accepted that poo and wee goes in a potty. Not in their pants. You let them run around the garden with their bum out. Sure they laugh as they wee in the corner of the sand pit and you are worried the paddling poo looks a bit yellow. But? All is well. They are finally fully potty trained.*

*Oh god of course not at nighttime! Are you mental? I read somewhere that that will damage them forever if you do it to early so they will be in pull ups till they turn five. At least.

24 comments:

  1. Oh yes. I have so been through these five stages. Good times! x

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    1. By good times you mean horrible sad times yes? X

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  2. Haha we are going through this at the moment! x

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    1. It's the total and utter worst isn't it? x

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  3. This made me giggle as we are thinking about starting our 2 yr old off on potty training... Maybe we'll hold off for a bit... Oh god! I'm going to be 'that' parent arnt I! Bugger

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  4. Love this! We are totally here right now! x

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  5. Ha ha, you were so distressed writing poo that you wrote or were auto corrected to poo when writing paddling pool!!
    My first lg was really hard to potty train took me years!!.....I'm dreading it this time, I don't want to even think about it yet n she's nearly 2 1/2 :( xx

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  6. We have just started potty training T and so this made me laugh so much - now pass me the gin! x

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  7. Haha this made me laugh, potty training started in our house last week! such a stressful time. You feel like they are never going to "get it".

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    1. IT feels totally and utterly relentless!

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  8. I start and stop all the time.. goes well then there's a week when I am constantly out and don't want wee or pooh all over the pushchair so have a break and takes ages to get into it again... half term she WILL be out nappies... I think?

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  9. I start and stop all the time.. goes well then there's a week when I am constantly out and don't want wee or pooh all over the pushchair so have a break and takes ages to get into it again... half term she WILL be out nappies... I think?

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  10. Funny but true. Mine is nearly 3 1/2 and we haven't started.

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  11. Thank you so good to read, have 3 year old twins and am having a nightmare, thinking that I am the only mother who can't potty/toilet train her children. We are even using chocolate stars!

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  12. Remember this time, will be over before you know it-feel for you x

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  13. It's been going on like this with my eldest for 6 months. I love wine. To anyone who's kid potty trained in 3 days, I wish horrendous teenage years on you...!!!!!

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    1. My first potty trained over a weekend, she also ate pretty much any food we fed her. Life was sweet. Until puberty hit at 10 and created a demon child. I long for the easy days of toddler meltdowns and no sleep. Happily, I also have a 2 and a half year old who just laughs in the face of potty training.
      There is not enough wine in the world.... Sigh!

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  14. My boy is 2.5 so I'm still in the "nah it's fine to leave them in nappies like forever" sweet stage of denial. I know it's all coming though. Although his main sign of readiness is talking about Bing wetting himself a lot? Think Supernanny missed that one....

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  15. Amazing isn't it? Second time round and you still ask the same questions. Why can they not just grasp it?! My middle one was shocking for this. I hate to tell you that she was still pooing in her pants at the age of 4!!!!!! I like to remind her of that every now and again ;)

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  16. I'm about to start this again. And I'm sure she'll be 30 & still in nappies x

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