I am sat here typing this listening to the guttural wild howls of my two children upstairs. About ten minutes ago I crept up for a wee and was greeted by my daughter saying something about eating her brothers bum, my son was screaming about a cold toe and my husband? Looked like a beaten man. It is officially 'witching hour'. That short period of time before bed that seems to go on for eternity and that is never mentioned in any baby books. And there is a good reason for this.
Because if you could see what went on in my house during 'witching hour?' you would NEVER have kids. You would rush to the doctors asking for a full sterilisation. In fact it is so bad you may well decide to never ever have sex again post said sterilisation. Just in case. They. Lose. Their. Tiny. Minds. I often think it is a little bit like when Mogwai turn into Gremlins. They start off cute enough and slowly they descend into wild, insane creatures. All logic has gone. They have no fear. It's terrifying.
This afternoon was lovely. We returned from holiday. We had the guinea pigs out for a cuddle. Snacks were eaten. And then dark descended and I heard my little boy say in a quiet sinister voice "Mummy. I'm going to draw on the wall". I looked at him. He looked at me. And I thought "F*CK. It's started". So I did what any woman with any sense does in such a situation and phone my husband up and whisper shouted "GET HOME NOW".
By his return the 'witching hour' (and let's be honest it is more like two) was in full swing. They were both swinging between the elation of being siblings, to the pure hate of being associated with each other, to rowing over the tablet, to demanding chocolate for dinner and refusing to believe that bedtime was on the horizon.
Because that's the thing with the 'witching hour' it means that it's time for bed. And if you don't act fast and try and tame the beast, said tiny two year old beast will become 'overtired' and 'overtired' doesn't mean "Hey Mum and Dad! I'm off to bed now as I'm proper knackered after playing with all that LEGO. See you in the morning!". Overtired means "I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM GOING TO GO TO BE UNTIL I CAN SEE YOUR EYES WELL UP AND A VEIN POP UP IN YOUR NECK AND I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WATCH PEPPA UNTIL YOU WANT TO SMASH YOUR OWN FACE IN". Shudder.
The 'witching hour' is terrifying, lengthy and quite frankly a total and utter ball ache. You feel like you've ran a marathon. That you are never going to be able to tackle bedtime. But you do and the next day 6pm arrives, you've forgotten the horror of the day before and you start all over again. As that's what being a parent is isn't it? And jeez how cute do they look when they are finally asleep? #timeforgin