Thursday, 21 April 2016

How To Share A Bed With A Small Child In 10 Steps

1) I sit bolt upright when I hear tiny footsteps running down the hall. Thinking that it is either a murderer, a ghost or a murdering ghost.

2) Relax when I see it is my gorgeous daughter and I let her creep into my bed. This time it will be different! This time we will hug each other and slowly drift off into a deep sleep. Both happily dreaming about Elsa (her) and Gary Barlow (me).

3) Jesus Christ what the f*ck is that smell? What did she have at school today? A whole clove of garlic? Time to turn over...

4) WHY IS SHE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE?! Time to turn over aborted. Time to hold my breath. It's OK I can breathe through my mouth and still sleep.

5) God how come small children are so bony? It's like sleeping with a tiny skeleton. Right back to sleep.

YOU BEAUTIFUL SLEEP THIEF YOU!

6) It must be possible to sleep with an elbow in your head? If I ignore the pain (and the smell) I will be able to snooze.

7) IT IS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP WITH AN ELBOW ON MY HEAD AND THAT SMELL IS TAKING THE P*SS AND SHE HAS TOOK ALL THE BLANKET AND MY ARSE IS HANGING OFF THE BED.

8) OK so she has adopted a 'lying across my whole body' position. Surely this will settle her. Annnnnnd relax. I've got three more hours till I have to get up. It's fine!

9) OH FOR F*CKS SAKE I NEED A WEE! What do I do? Do I risk waking her up, thus making her tired for school and then the teachers will think I am a bad Mum who lets her kids stay up all night. Or do I wee myself. Or do I just hang on and get some sort of urine infection?... Infection it is!

10) Right I can live with the sensation of needing a wee, I can just about tolerate a full elbow in my face and a knee in my back. And I've grown quite accustomed to the small. OK. Finally time to sleep. I can easily fit two hours in...

...(more tiny feet thunder down the hall...Oh FFS!).

6 comments:

  1. hahaha! This is so funny because it's true!
    Do you know what's worse than hearing them coming down the hall....
    Waking up with them an inch from your face whispering "can I come in your bed" So ruddy scary! lol

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    1. I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only parent who has to go through this every single night. My two year old is awful for kicking me in her sleep and nipping me. Joyous occasions.

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    2. Ha ha ha the whispering sounds TERRIFYING!! x

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    3. Lol so so true! I had one child in bed with me all elbows and knees, heavily preggers with another and woke to my 2 year old inches from my face gently whispering 'mama, mama?' At 4 in morning holy s£%j

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  2. Ha ha ha! This was me last night. "Mummy I have to lie on you or I can't sleep" Cue her foot on my forehead. All night.

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    Replies
    1. Sigh the things we do for love eh?! x

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