Wahoo! A kid free afternoon to go shopping sans kiddos. This is going to be amazing. I am going to peruse all the youth shops. I am still hip. I am still happening. I own chelsea boots and Converse for gods sake! Essentially if Kylie Jenner saw me in the street she would ask me to be an adopted older sister. I would totes pass off as one of the Kardashians. A brummie blond version. Instead of saying "doll" like Kourtney. It would be "bab". People would make phone covers saying "bab". There would be an emoticon of my face. First stop? Top Shop!
WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON! I AM A SIZE 16! IN WALLIS I AM LIKE A 12 OR SOMETHING SO WHY THE FR*G CAN'T I FIT IN ONE SINGLE THING IN TOP SHOP. WHY ARE PEOPLE WEARING BOMBER JACKETS AND BODYSUITS LIKE IT'S 1992? WHY IS IT SO HOT IN THIS CHANGING ROOM? WHAT IS THIS SONG THAT IS PLAYING? WHY IS THE PERSON ASKING DO THEY DO SMALLER THAN A SIZE 6. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?
Come back 1992 all is forgiven
OK. Calm. Down. There was a smock top type thing in the corner. It's a bit flowery and has sleeves so it would look really lovely on me. It also is a bit wrap around and Trinny and Susannah said that that is great for accentuating big boobs. If it wasn't for my giant tits I would basically be a size 12. Maybe even a 10. Katie Price would kill for my knockers. Right I am going to get it...f*ck. It's maternity wear.
Oh God. It's happened. I am finally too old and too fat for youth like clothes. Some of the a-line skirts would look great on me. If they were just there to fit one thigh. The only thing I can buy is a cardigan. And for some reasons cardigans are like £40. £40 for a cardigan? Really? Nanna's buy cardys. They can't afford £40. Even for a boho chic little Top Shop number.
Do you know what? SCREW YOU TOP SHOP! Who wants to dress in T-Shirts with trendy phrases and wear body con dresses? That is like mmmm so tacky? In fact I am better than Top Shop. Top Shop will mourn losing a savvy, smart woman like myself. I could have spent all my hard earned cash in your store but I won't. It's nothing to do with the fact that literally nothing in there fits me. Bar an overpriced cardigan. I will go elsewhere! Somewhere like...River Island!*