Friday, 29 July 2016

10 Signs You Drive A 'Mum Mobile'

1) You car is full of crap, crap and more crap. It might be a rogue empty fruitshoot. Or raisins stuck to the floor. OR F*CKING SHOPKINS UNDER EVERY SEAT.

2) There is a smell. A bit like wet dogs. No-one can establish what the smell is. But no amount of fabreeze or dead posh Yankee Candle air fresheners from Asda is going to make a difference.

3) After the once in a blue moon when you actually clean your car. You VOW to not let your children bring in food, toys or F*CKING SHOPKINS into it ever again. You tell your other half that this time you are serious. One trip to the local farm later: there is a half eaten tuna sandwich tucked in somewhere, cow dung up the front of the passenger seat and 15 books your son just HAD to have (and systemically pulled apart on the journey there).

 Whatever you do? DO NOT GO TO SLEEP!

4) You have driven whilst screaming "IF YOU DON'T MOVE THAT BALLOON OUT OF THE WINDOW WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT!!!". Accidents are also used as a threat against sibling fights (along with a vague flapping around of your arm trying to grab a knee), any moaning and loud crying about popped balloons.

5) You may have had a bit of road rage at one point. And swore a bit. Only to be repeated at full volume by a small boy two weeks later at breakfast with their grandparents.

6) You have driven one hand on the wheel, one hand on a child's knee doing the "PLEASE DO NOT GO TO SLEEP" song around 4pm. The fear of your child not going to bed on time trumping the fear of you crashing.

7) Your boot is full to the brim of random stuff. Babygros that are three years old. Nappies that no-one needs. When you manage to get out to do a full shop there is nowhere to put food in and you end up driving balancing 15 bags on your side in the passenger seat.

Living the dream MOFOS!

8) You have whisper shouted "FFS" whilst trying to get a baby seat in, getting a baby seat out, stretching over and nearly breaking your back whilst trying to get the seat belt in. Leaning so far over your child that your arse is on show to the whole world. And you have lost count the amount of times you have bumped your head when you lean back out.

9) You have driven to a McDonalds. And enjoyed the pure bliss of a child asleep whilst you have a Diet Coke if your day has been a bit tiring, a McFlurry if it's not been that great or a full on large Big McMeal if it's been utterly sh*t.

10) You have enjoyed the pure pleasure of the windows down, and singing "LET IT GOOOOOOO" at the top of your lungs. With your two small humans who fill your car full of crap and f*cking shopkins. But they have the most amazing adventures with you in your stinky old Mum Mobile.


  1. This is totally me and my poor car. It is always in a state. Apart from the boot. The boot is spotless. Don't know why.

  2. Ha ha, love it! It's amazing how many things could potentially cause an accident. I'm a crap driver, so my kids aren't allowed to even talk when I'm at a junction or trying to manoeuvre into a parking space. I remember the pleasure of sneaking off to McDonalds when they were little and fast asleep :)

  3. hahahaha number 6....i'm dying xxx

  4. They see us rollin'
    They hatin'

  5. Wahaha, great post!!

    In my case I drive a dad mobile but the principles remain the same. I love numbers 2 and 5!

    My kids bring in Lego and I don't know how many pieces of Lego I have accidently hoovered up (and I have shown some of them to the kids) but they keep bringing it in. Usually these days they hide some in their pockets or school bags. The joys of parenthood. Hahaha.


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