But then there is another side of me that isn't shown very much. The side where sometimes my worry overtakes my thoughts at night. I wonder if I have inadvertently done something to upset someone. I panic that a work email is in a tone that will offend or that my beautiful children aren't getting everything that they need from me. I beat myself up over every little thing and can think I'm not a great friend, Mother or wife. Sometimes I scrabble for confidence and it is nowhere to be found.
I'm not sure when this happened to me. I don't remember feeling like this in my twenties. Where I was slap bang in a rubbish career that was going nowhere, was a size 22 and had a boyfriend who clearly didn't think I was all that great (the damn fool). But now as I am fast approaching 40 (VOMIT), have a beautiful family, great friends and two jobs I love, why do sometimes I question my every move? What has happened to make me feel like this and more importantly do other people feel the same?
No Shame Jane
I found myself wondering into the 'self help' section of book shop today. I was drawn to one that was just Kim Kardashian quotes and was tempted to pick it up but settled on one more useful book about finding your inner confidence. I got home to find that it was telling me to take long baths, enjoy yoga, gardening and how about buying myself a whole new wardrobe. OK I will do that then. IN MY DREAMS! Are they mad? When on earth will I fit in all this ruddy yoga? Let alone planting seeds to watch them grow. I'm a Mum of two small children! I'm lucky to take a sh*t in peace!
So perhaps my lack of confidence is due to a lack of 'me time'. Perhaps it's because I am tired and not really focusing on myself anymore. Perhaps I am so stretched with my wonderful jobs and beautiful family that I've forgotten what it's like to treat myself. Sure there is the odd night away here or two hours there but do any of us ever have real regular time to focus inwards and celebrate all the wonderful things we do? I know I don't. I'm more likely to remember cake sale money I forgot a term ago than the fact that each night my children go to bed happy and healthy. So whilst that book was a total waste of £8.99 I think it is the first step to trying to get my head round that I am good enough. I'm not sure Kim Kardashian quotes would have had the same affect.