Friday, 23 September 2016

The Desperate Mum's Guide To Cheap Thrills

When you are in your early twenties the world is your oyster. You can dance the night away in a club and bat away men with a snotty glance and a "not tonight mate". You are foot loose and fancy free. You can wear tops without bras and be fuming when a man wolf whistles as he drives past in his clapped out old banger. Now I am in my (late) thirties, and an exhausted Mother to two small children and I? Quite frankly need to get all the cheap thrills where I can. Sure it makes me desperate but needs must and all that.

Watching A Slightly Racy Film
I can honestly say Magic Mike XXL, hand on heart, is one of the best films I have seen for the past few years. I could state it is the interesting plot (there is non), the fantastic acting (debatable) and the moral of the story (mmmm). But let's be honest? It's Channing Tatum doing filthy dances whilst we whoop in our dressing gown from our couch. When we went to the cinema to see it someone shouted "GET YOUR KIT OFF". Were we mortified? Nah we all cackled like haggard old witches. It was 

The plot was wonderful!

Drooling Over CBeebies Presenters
It is not secret that I have a slight obsession with Mr Bloom. The 'wetsuit' episode is a particular favourite of mine. If you ask any new Mum which presenter she fancies she will be able to give an in depth analysis of what she thinks of Andy and his dinosaurs and why she would like to be 'seen' by Dr Ranj. It breaks the monotony of all the brain numbing kids TV we have to endure. And keeps you sane when stuck in the house on a rainy day. 

Forget MILFs What About DILFs?
We've all been there. Looking like we have been dragged through a hedge backward mooching around soft play with a face like a slapped arses nursing a luke warm tea when we notice the 'fit Dad'. Looking sprightly and happy as he is more than likely on a day off from work and to him soft play is a fun novelty. Whilst we look like sh*t. In our minds he is like the man out of the black and white Athena poster. When in reality I bet he has a p*ssed off wife at home moaning about him not doing the washing up.

DILF! (Bet he's crap at the washing up to!)

Poor Handsome Youthful Strangers
I'm not sure whether it is the indecency of giving birth but I have lost the shame factor. Where I used to be aloof with men. Giving sly glances and then looking away playing with my hair seductively. Now if I am faced with a vaguely attractive young man on the checkout at Asda or god forbid when I am in a bar with a slew of other Mums. I talk the life out of them. Bore them to tears. They are lucky if they escape without me showing them my c section scar. Poor gits.

Horn Beep
Sometimes I get a horn beeped at me by men as they drive past. I like to think it is because they enjoy the cut of my legging. Or they think that my Mum coat is chic. But more than likely it is due to the fact that I wasn't looking where I was going when I crossed the road and are probably thinking "WTF?" when I look up beaming at them thinking my luck is in.

Look I'm not saying any of the above is big or clever. I'm not saying when I found out Harry Styles liked older women I did a jump for joy (OK I did). But whilst on the whole motherhood is wonderful and fulfilling sometimes it is boring and lonely. So you need to get your kicks when you can. I accept that my other half enjoys a bit of Holly Willobooby and I'm sure he gets a thrill when a young waitress serves us at The Harvester. But at the end of the day. There is no-one I would rather 'netflix and chill' (ignore each other whilst we watch The Walking Dead on separate couches) with but him.*

*OK maybe Channing Tatum.

Pictures from Wikipedia. Sadly not my own personal album.

1 comment:

  1. My son had a very attractive male NQT as his teacher last year - at the first parent's evening I asked him 'how he was settling in' - I think he was totally disturbed by my parental concern / flirting (good job the husband was late back from work for that one!!)


leave me a comment! they make me happy bab...