You kinda know that you won't be getting much sleep. But NOTHING prepares you for the mind numbing, bone crunching feeling of sleep deprivation. It. Is Hard. Core. My advice to you? Learn how to have a disco snooze during three episodes of Peppa. And if your baby is napping? F*ck cleaning! That's why baby wipes were invented.
Pre baby my pants were thongs, matched my bra and I didn't just circulate three large greying pairs that I was comfy in. There will be a period of time after giving birth where you think "I shall NEVER dress like a Mum!". Three weeks later you own 17 striped tops and wondered how you ever lived without Converse.
This is number 14 in my striped top collection
You now sh*t with an audience. It's as simple as that. For some bizarre reason you taking a dump, or changing your tampon or just a simple wee? Is the equivalent to watching La La Land for your small humans. As soon as your bum hits that seat it's as if Gosling is dancing whilst crooning romantically. Bizarre.
You could shower each morning, put on a full face of make up and vacuum twice a day. Orrrrrrr? You could cover your hair in dry shampoo, run a baby wipe over your chops and kick raisins under the couch. Either way? Your kids are both happy and with the latter? You may be able to sneak an extra ten minutes in watching an episode of Homes Under The Hammer from 2007.
Your social life will change. It's a given. I have to say I can count the nights out I've had in the past six years on two hands. OK one hand. And then I ended up dancing 'Nans On The Razz' style to Vanilla Ice rather than going for it in some all nighter rave (do people still rave these days?). Now fun (in the loosest sense of the word) will take place at a never ending round of ball pools, farms and zoos. You will still try and get your hand on gig tickets. It's just the gig is In The Night Garden Live.
FUN AT THE LEGO SHOW MOTHER FOOKERS!
Your priorities change so much so they are almost unrecognisable. You wear Matalan. Your kids rock Joules. You used to holiday in New York. Now it's Butlins. As long as they are happy you are happy. Sometimes you wish that their happy didn't involve rancid ball pits and watching Paw Patrol instead of the news but? That's being a Mum isn't it?
With most big life changes your friendship group will become different. Pals you used to love going for afternoon drinkys with, may get irritated by you flaking out due to chicken pox, nits, sick bugs or a horrific combination of all three. But you could be surprised that new strong friendships will form. Generally over a love of cake and a sometimes hatred of your other halves.
I used to have a thing for designer bags. Somewhere in my house there is a Marc Jacobs one knocking about. Now? I get my kicks from sh*t like watching my kids meet a giant and creepy Peppa Pig. Seeing my daughter do well in her spelling test and the thought of us going to Disneyworld soon? Could make me wee with excitement. My pleasure is gained through their pleasure. And whilst I long for a Chanel bag? I will be happy with Woody giving my boy a hug.
Plain and simply? Knackered
Weekends become a never ending circle of child based activities; swimming, or baby ballet, or a really stupid trip to Ikea where you seriously consider divorce within twenty minutes of being there. Sometimes I am more tired on a Sunday evening than when I started on a Saturday morning.
Pure And Utter Love
You have no sleep, you walk round looking like a tramp and your house is a total sh*t hole. But? You love your children. So very much. Like the lack of sleep, nothing prepares you for that overwhelming feeling of adoration for creatures you made that sometimes (OK a lot of the time) are a bit ungrateful. And whilst the other 9 eternal truths can be a bit annoying this one? Makes up for it all. Promise.