The converse is the perfect pair of shoes for Mums up and down the country. The half shoe half pump hybrid is ideal to chase small humans around the park, run like a blue arsed fly to the school gates when you're late as NO ONE WOULD GET THEIR F*CKING COATS ON and best of all? They can be shoved in the washing machine when they begin to stink like a hobos pants.
A Jazzy Scarf
Nothing says "making an effort" like a jazzy scarf. You know the kind I mean. Not woolly, bit floaty and tied around your neck to hide a multitude of sins. Double chins, bit of sick on your shoulder and if you have a floral one on? You think no-one will notice your grubby hair. You my friend? Are wrong. If anything it only highlights it.
You're not quite ready to tackle the beasts that are your hairy legs so you opt for 'the legging'. Ones that come down to your ankles and right up to your tits. Thick, black and often accompanied with a strange stain on the side of one leg. Which you don't spot until you are meeting your childless friend who snubs a legging preferring a high waisted skinny jean from Top Shop. The smug b*tch.
Much like the legging this means you don't have to shave your legs and everyone knows that a maxi skirt means you're like totally boho chic doesn't it? Think Sienna Miller, think Glastonbury, think "oh sh*t I should have shaved my ankles as when I sit down it rides up".
The 'Mum' Coat
If it's p*ssing it down (and lets be honest the chances are fairly high) you will obviously be wearing whatever you can get your hands that's got a hood. But if it's vaguely warm? You will whip out the denim jacket! You had it pre kids and you think it still fits bar the fact that it doesn't do up over your tits but hey? That's how they wear it on Made In Chelsea!
When my daughter asks my why bits of my hair are black and other bits are yellow I simply state that if it's good enough for the Kardashians it's good enough for me. But really? I am dying inside and thanking the Lord that there's no grey mixed in with my roots. Yet.
You pop out a kid and all of a sudden you enjoy a stripe. And by enjoy, you become obsessed with purchasing striped tops. You could cope with just the one but noooooooo you need at least six and three of them are essentially the same. You put the "don't wear horizontal stripes" rule out of your head. And embrace them with full foolish gusto.
Nothing says Mumsy like floral. It's a well know fact! But you somehow convince yourself that your tea dress is "vintage". You imagine you look like a well put together Mum who does all sorts of Pinterest activities and hosts wonderful garden parties. When in fact you are siting in your tea dress watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, eating crisps and considering buying some new leggings.
There is no escaping that your bag still has to be huge to carry everything in it from baby wipes, to spare pants, to random grubby half eaten snacks. Oh and f*cking rogue Shopkins but in the spring you get out your faithful leather saddle bag and relish the fact it can go across your body when you have to scale the climbing frame in the local park to retrieve a small human from the very top bar.
Spring means that it's OK to drink Pimms during the day. OK so it's still frickin cold and technically it's not really weather to sit in the garden but if freezing your tits off (which are not covered by your denim jacket remember) means you get to drink booze at 2pm? You're going to embrace it and exclaim "oh it tastes just like pop!" 56 times whilst you shove a creme egg down your gob. Happy days.