Recently life has been tainted with horrible things that growing older brings. The realisation that the people you love may not be immortal and that the career you worked so hard for may not be for you. For me the past year has had me many times thinking "Jeez I wish there was a guide for dealing with this sh*t". We have books on how to get children to sleep through the night, how to wean them and even how to get them to p*ss in a potty but after that? We are pretty much on our own. No-one explains quite how to grow up.
I don't feel like an adult. I am sometimes gobsmacked that I am in charge of small humans who love me so very hard. We are in the process of moving house and when the solicitor emails questions about sewage and environmental data searches. I want to go "I literally have no idea what the hell you are talking about". At 39 I am still regularly phoning my parents up and asking them for advice or to say that they think a decision I've made is "OK".
I am not to sure how to get my head round adulting or how to accept that it's now part of everyday life and has been for over 20 years. I've got a family calendar that I fill in with things like 'Take Kids To Dentist' and recently got a file that I now keep all our important bits and bobs in. Just to stop the twice yearly "HAS ANYONE SEEN WHERE THE F*CK OUR PASSPORTS ARE?" panic. So on paper I am smashing being an adult. But in my head sometimes I wish I was back in my Take That covered walls having my Mum doing my washing and my Dad calling me down for my tea.
But? I can't do that. I've got two tiny people who hang off my every word and rely on me being the adult. They need me to remember to take them to the dentist and help them with their times tables. I will be there to guide them through heartache, grief and having their own tiny people. I will also most certainly be at the end of the phone when they call me up pushing forty saying "what they hell is an environmental data search?". Maybe then I will feel like an adult. Maybe.
Check out how I've been adulting this week here...