You could have read a thousand baby books, watch three series of One Born Every Minute and gone to a whole heap of NCT birthday classes. You may even have had a few nights where your partner sings nursery rhymes into your belly. But NOTHING prepares you for the first time the baby sharts all over your pyjamas, at 3am in the morning, then vomits milky sick all over your husband whilst you both scream.
2) Thou shall claim you are "more tired" than the other one
No matter what the circumstance. No matter what the evidence you shall always maintain that you are more tired than your other half. And sleep? Is a currency to be used in most arguments for time immortal: "YOU HAD A LIE IN LAST WEEKEND. IT'S MY TURN YOU F*CKER".
3) Thou shall secretly believe that you are the favourite parent
You might blatantly ask if you are your child's "number one" or subtly question who makes them fish fingers and waffles better. Feeling triumphant when they say "Mummy". And nothing can beat that feeling when your child trips and screams your name rather than theirs. You pick them up with a smug look and think "YES". Parent numero uno.
WE MADE TWO HUMANS WITH OUR PRIVATE PARTS! Blimey
4) Thou shall sometimes wonder if you chose the right person to have kids with
Could be due to lack of sleep. Maybe a row over who should have sterilised the bottles last but occasionally you will think "why the hell did I choose them to procreate with?" I find it's best to have a cup of tea and a Kit Kat Chunky when these thoughts bubble to the forefront of your mind. This will help the feeling subside. Kinda.
5) Thou may not always agree on the big issues
What you feed your child, where they go to school, even how long they brush their teeth for can often produce a small 'discussion'. And by discussion I mean passive aggressive comments said through gritted teeth on a long car journey or texts during work hours which include the rolling eye emoji or worse... the angry face one followed by the water pistol gun. When we all know it would be full of bullets. Not water.
6) Thou occasionally suffer from being hard of hearing
I sometimes pretend I can't hear my husband when is screaming my name from the kitchen about where my girls school shoes are. I know for a fact he pretends he can't hear a babies cry at 2am in the morning. But it's funny how you both can hear it when the door knocks to bring a take away on a Friday night.
I don't know how we did it but everyone is still alive and happy
Being a parent is such an emotionally charged experience that at all times you think that you are right. About everything to do with your children. And that if your other half disagrees with you then they are a d*ck...
8) Thou shall never openly admit that you are in fact being a d*ck
...however in reality? Quite a lot of the time I think...in fact I know...I am the d*ck in this relationship. But I would rather die than let him know that yes in fact he was right and that the kids really did need wellies that day we went to the park. So I'm writing it here. SOMETIMES I AM THE D*CK. This shall never be mentioned again.
9) Thou shall be happy on the couch together ignoring each other
When I was younger if I had a boyfriend who didn't talk to me on a Friday night and played Candy Crush I would have been LIVID! Now? There is no greater feeling of that relaxing silence, broken only by "whilst you're up get us a cuppa" "change the channel bab" or best of all "shall we have an early night then?". You're unified in exhaustion.
Both a pair of d*ckheads
10) Thou shall be soppy arses
There's the tiredness, the sometimes angry texts and the often passive aggressive rows. But there are also those bits where you are unified in love. Total and utter love. You can't comprehend how you managed to raise such beautiful humans. It could be when they ride their bike for the first time, or say their first word, or start school. You look at each other and an unspoken thought passes between you of "f*cking hell we are actually managing to pull this off!".