Sunday, 25 June 2017

The Ten Commandments Of The Toilet

1. Thou shall always need a wee
The nine months of having a baby growing not far from your bits means that as soon as that baby pops out? You need a wee. A wee before you go on a car journey, a wee half way through a film, a wee because you just did a wee and you didn't wee enough.

2. Thou shall always worry someone else will need a wee
You spend most of your day asking if someone needs a wee. Worrying that someone may p*ss on a long car journey and once you asked a work colleague if he needed the toilet before a meeting.

3. Thou shall never visit the toilet alone
Expect for the first at least seven years of your child's life that any visit you take to the toilet? Will be accompanied by an audience. Sometimes dollies will watch you with them and often a pet will come along for the ride.

SOMEBODY CHANGE THE TOILET ROLL FFS!

4. Thou shall sometimes have to stop mid wee
As soon as your bum hits that seat? More often than not every small human in your house will need a wee. AT THAT VERY MOMENT. "RIGHT NOW. NOW I NEED A WEE NOW". There will be shouting. There will be panic. There will be you jumping off trying not to leave a puddle on your bathroom laminate.

5. Thou shall be chief bum wiper
You've made a cuppa. You are just about to sit down for five minutes and you will here the scream you most dread "WILL YOU WIPE MY BUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM". You have two choices. 1) mutter FFS under your breath and haul your ass up the stairs 2) have a never ending row from your couch along the lines of "well you wipe your own bum at nursery" "I'm not doing it" "STOP SCREAMING"...resulting in you still having to haul your ass up the stairs.

6. Thou shall be in charge of 'flushing'
No one in my house f*cking ever flushes a toilet. Ever. I am quite sure that the moment a baby popped out of me? My husband forgot what the toilet handle does. If I had a penny for every time I flushed a toilet in my house on a daily basis? I would be a millionaire, who would employ someone just to flush away her families sh*ts.

7. Thou shall be in charge of 'loo roll'
Who knew loo roll was so annoying. You go through the years of small people just unravelling them willy nilly, followed by them using 574 pieces per poo, followed by NO ONE ever changing them. In charge of flushing and loo rolls? WHEN DID LIFE GET SO GLAMOROUS?

Just casually watching you p*ss

8. Thou shall try and squeeze as much stuff into a public toilet as possible.
Public loos are teeny tiny. Especially when there is you in it, two children, and fifteen bags of shopping. You sweat. Someone bumps their head on the toilet roll holder. Someone screams "DO NOT UNLOCK THAT DOOR OR I WILL KILL YOU". That someone is you.

9. Thou shall expect to be publicly shamed
"Mummy ARE YOU DOING A POO" "Mummy THAT STINKS" "Mummy WHY IS THAT HAIRY" "Mummy WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING" "Mummy YOUR BUM IS HUGE" and so on...

10. Thou shall see a lone visit to the toilet as a treat
Never in your early 20s did you imagine you would class going to the toilet, scrolling through social media without an audience. To be a treat of the highest form...throw in a copy of Heat magazine? You've basically summed up my dream afternoon.
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3 comments

  1. Thankfully my daughter (6) has stopped coming in with me (except for public loos). She now squashs her face against the outside of the door to 'talk' to me. She sounds like a creepy heavy breather!!

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  2. My niece always comes in the toilet and watch when I'm having a wee! Sometimes when I've been changing a pad, and points 'mummy does that too' lol x

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  3. This is my life right now!! A mum to a 2 & 4 yo and 6 months pregnant i seem to spend all my time in the loo. My eldest has a sore tail at the moment and told me today that it doesnt matter if it falls off because he will be able to do sit down wee's like mummy........

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