Tuesday, 11 July 2017

A Woman On The Edge

Ladies and gentlemen. It's official. This woman? Is on the edge. For the past seven years I have either been growing babies or raising babies. Seven years of my life has been taken up with nappies, sleepless nights, weaning, weeping and rowing a bit with my husband. Seven years, which now on reflection seems like it has been six months. From September? My last baby will be at school and I will be let alone. With no bums to wipe, no soft plays to hang around in and no tiny voices screaming "MUUUUUUMMMMMMMYYYYYYY".

And it's breaking my heart. I feel lost. I truly feel that my children are deserting me. These past few weeks with my son has mainly been me overindulging him, hugging him that little bit too tightly and saying "YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU RIGHT". Whilst he looks at me with confusion in his eyes and tries to run off to play another game of hitting things with plastic swords. My husband is looking worried whilst I say tentatively "shall we have another one?". I know that's not the answer. Because when that one went to school I would be saying the same.

Knackered but happy

I'm not worried for my boy as he is totally ready for school. He is excited to see my girl in the playground and I know he will change but only for the better. My six year old who is entering Year 2 is a delight. She reads Roald Dahl, enjoys Rainbows ands still likes a cuddle in front of the TV. No I am worried for me. No one really chats about what the f*ck we are supposed to do now. I am sure some Mums are like "thank god for that now I can crack on with life". But I am more from the school of "well that's it now isn't it. LIFE IS OVER".

It doesn't help that I have big birthday looming. Child free and 40? It doesn't bode well does it. It has all the markings of a "this woman is going to have a full breakdown". Maybe I will be like JK Rowling and find a small coffee shop to write international bestsellers. Or maybe I will mope about watching the Real Housewives of New York whilst eating Fruit Pastilles. Five days. Five days a week. FIVE DAYS. To myself. To work, to drink hot tea, to I dunno maybe take a nap when I could be putting the vacuum round. No excuse not to do housework now. Balls.

DON'T LEAVE ME

Five days a week to do all the things I have dreamt of doing these past seven years. It seems bizarre. I am paralysed with the fear of all the things I could do but potentially won't as I'll be yearning after small people to run around my feet driving me mad. No Peppa on the tele, no raisins squished into my slippers, no one watching me whilst I poo. It sounds bliss. So why do I feel so very sad? Why did I actually consider home schooling (short lived dream as I realised that didn't involve me watching TOWIE whilst the kids did maths). The next year is going to be a rocky journey. I hope you all come along with me and support me when my husband loses his sh*t. As I've bought three puppies, a kitten and a goat for the back garden.

5 comments:

  1. My eldest starts school in September and I'm losing it (even though I have my youngest still). I'm telling her I love her all the time and hugging every second of the day. I feel like I'm losing my right arm, my best friend. We have such fun times and great chats. Yes, she drives me insane, but I wouldn't change it at all. I just hope my 14 month old can live up to her conversations...! LOL! You will be fine..we are here to keep you company 😊 Xx

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  2. You feel so differently about it compared to how I did. I remember this feeling of elation the first time I left the school gates with zero children in tow and knowing I would not be back for many hours. Freedom, the delicious freedom!

    Surely you have this blog to amuse yourself with? And that 3pm comes around super fast, and then they're right there again, chatting your face off. Well mine do anyway, proper chatter boxes they are.

    I'm quite far along in my child journey, my 16 year old daughter oldest child has been off school for weeks now after finishing her GCSEs. At times she has been sitting next to my desk with her own desk and helping me with shop packaging tasks, and I've been paying her minimum wage :D

    I said to her ... "It's like you're a toddler again before school and you used to sit your desk next to mummy's desk!"

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  3. I feel very similarly to you although I'm at the opposite end of the scale. My eldest son is 11 and is about to leave Primary School and my heart is breaking. It feels as though it was just a few months ago that I was photographing him in his shiny new shoes, with an enormous book bag for his first day in Reception. But now he is leaving our lovely little village primary. He's so ready for it and couldn't be more excited. But for me, the thought of not chatting to him on the walk to school every day, the knowledge that my 9 year won't have his brother to play with at lunchtime, as he has done every day for the past 5 years - it's all just too much. I'm so sad and the next two weeks are full of 'lasts' - Sports Day, Leavers Disco, Leavers Production and then Leavers Assembly. I'm determined to set my face into a big smile and then celebrate my biggest little man's achievements at Primary but in reality I feel like a chapter is coming to an end and it's a chapter that I'm absolutely not ready to say goodbye to. My friends have an assortment of mixed feelings - some are similar to me and others are joyously celebrating their child's next steps. Don't get me wrong - I am confident that he will thrive and in a years' time I'll be wondering what the sadness was about. But for now, I almost can't bear to think about it. Tomorrow is Sports Day - hurdle number 1 to get past. I'm trying to plan some lovely activities for the summer holidays for both of my little buddies, to create nice memories of my biggest one's last primary school summer. I definitely feel your pain and my advice would be for you to absorb every tiny second - it goes by in a heartbeat xx

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  4. I can relate with you 100%. My 5th & final baby goes off to P1 in September and I don't know how I feel about it all yet, because it all feels bizarrely numb. I've no doubt on the day I'll be a MESS and need consoled with cake {lots of cake!}...but they have to grow up sometime, eh! x

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  5. Oh dear - adjustments are really hard. I'm sure that the time will whizz by and I think, yes, channel your inner J K Rowling!

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