Sunday, 23 July 2017

The Boring Mum

I'm not going to lie but as I write this I am lying in bed at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon feeling a teeny tiny bit hungover. I've just returned from a weekend away for my lovely friends hen do. I'm exhausted but really happy. Not just happy that it was fantastic fun but happy as I feel like I've broken a spell. A spell that arrived around the moment I fell pregnant with my eldest. One which took chunks of my personality from me and made me a different girl (and yes I am referring to myself as a girl despite being 39).

I have been using my kids as a crutch. If I was asked to stay away for the night. I more often than not didn't want to leave them so wouldn't go. If I had to for work I didn't want to share rooms with friends as I know I wouldn't sleep properly without my family around me. I thought my laying awake would bother people. I ducked out of nights out preferring the comfort of my couch. When meeting girlfriends for drinks I would feel worried I had nothing to offer to conversations so would often sit quietly counting down the minutes until I could leave.

Photo Credit: Beth Duder

Which may surprise you as if you met me in the street you would say I am a bit gobby. I have no shame in putting myself on the internet looking like a tramp in a dressing gown. I can sit on a stage chatting about all sorts and have been known to break into song in city centres at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon. But since becoming a Mum I definitely lost tiny bits of myself here and there. Retreating into my shell in social situations. Not quite sure what to wear. And not very sure of what to say. I could chew your ear off about nits and school places but struggled when delving deeper into more of 'me'.

Basically I'm Beyoncé

I knew I had to go on this weekend away. I love my friend and didn't want to disappoint her. But I wasn't really sure what I could offer to the proceedings. But you know what? I loved every minute. I left my beautiful babies for two nights and facetimed them to see that they were indeed fine with their Dad. I shared rooms, I drank cocktails, I chatted, I laughed and I danced on stage to B*Witched like a f*cking popstar (the last bit is slightly debatable). Every time a little feeling rose up to say "but you're just a boring Mum" I quashed it with a Bellini and a chat about Love Island.

I do have a lot to offer. We do have a lot to offer. Being a Mum doesn't mean that we aren't still women. Aren't still humans who are more than just procreators. Before I had children I had a career, wanted to travel. Loved spending time with my friends and felt that I had something to offer. For the past six years that feeling was squashed. Tightly contained by the love for two small people. But slowly little by little it's coming back. It's going to take time. It's going to take baby steps...and maybe a little bit of a B*Witched Irish jig here and there #fightlikemda
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5 comments

  1. 14 years (today!) I agree - it's sometimes difficult juggling the Mum and the rest of you - but it's definitely something to try and manage and embrace.
    I managed to segue B*Witched into Cha Cha slide at a school disco - I have never sweated so much (and that was without double denim!!) Obvs the kids were totally mortified......

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  2. I love this! Honestly, This is ME 100% I love my children more than life but I have lost myself along the way somehow. I am not the same, which is of course understandable and totally OK but I would also like to get back to me again, not just mummy me. Thanks for writing this as it has made me feel less alone in my feelings. We are still the same girl underneath and it is fun bringing her back to life again! ��

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  3. All mums are made of more! When the nest is empty, the 24/7 wrangle of family chores and demands and all things associated with being a mum to little humans is over-OUR unique skill set will be enviable, we will read books in complete peace, have a bath without being surrounded by plastic tat moreover our identity will be once more on display for all to see. Mixed bag of feelings as we guide our way through motherhood but just think of the potential...😘

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  4. I went on a hen weekend for the first time ever in September and I loved it.im not one for nights out as it takes effort but like going out I was starting to get independence back with days off from work where my daughter was at nursery so I would go shopping or ride my horse,but now have another baby so freedom has been put on hold again

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  5. Yep - as ever a totally relatable post - thanks so much for normalising this xx

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