Thursday, 28 September 2017

Low...

Generally I am super chipper person. I love laughing. I love to make people laugh. My blog, YouTube channel and social media aims to cheer people up and make you walk away (or roll over in bed at 6am) with a smile. But this past few weeks I've been feeling low. I wasn't going to chat about it but a blog is suppose to show all facets over people's lives so I thought I would jot down on paper how I felt. Maybe it may help somebody else or maybe it will help me get it out of my system. A problem shared is a problem halved isn't it?

Since my kids have gone to school a lot of the time I have been fine. Loving life. Working hard. Watching the odd box set. Enjoying all the great things in life like hot cups of tea and weeing alone. But then there's moment where it catches me that I feel I am sort of aimlessly bobbing around during the day. Flitting from pillar to post. Missing a limb. I've gone from a school environment which is regimented every hour on the hour. To periods of time where I don't really know what the hell is going on.


I end up eating my lunch at 11am or shove half a packet of Oreos down my gob at 1pm. I can't focus on work properly sometimes. My inbox overwhelming me and I can't write. I mean I am finding it really, REALLY hard to write. My muses have gone and left me. I try to think of funny words but they escape me. My inspiration seems to have vanished. I know this all seems very first world probs. That I could be working all the hours god sends in a job I hate. I get to do the school run. I get to be at home. I am lucky.

But that's the weird thing about feeling low isn't it? The very fact that I should feel so lucky actually makes the low feeling worse. I should be lording it up. Pampering myself every day. Taking naps after lunch. Working on all these new exciting projects I now have time for. Instead I feel a little bit lost. What is my purpose? What's my role? WHAT AM I MEANT TO BE DOING? (To be said in a rather dramatic voice).

The past year has had so much change. With operations, moving houses, changing jobs, little ones leaving me, getting glasses and the big 40 approaching faster and faster. I feel adrift. Friends are moving on with baby number three so I should be moving on with my next big project. But what the hell is it? So you are going to have to bear with me a little whilst I find my way. I know a lot of you are new Mums who would KILL for five minutes to watch The Crown. Or some of you are reading thinking "f*ck me what a moaner". But sometimes we feel a little bit low and that's OK. Now I'm going to go and finish that other half a packet of Oreos and figure out my plan.

20 comments:

  1. I have no words of wisdom, but feel exactly the same. Am even looking into the prospect of some supply work to keep my brain ticking over. Working from home is quite isolating x

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  2. I feel EXACTLY the same way...altho my daughter is 12, so theres no school runs, activity afternoons at the school since shes in secondary, shes out with her friends after school till tea time, then surgically attached to her tablet in her room when shes not, i work full time 9-4 weekdays, but coming home & not being 'needed' im finding very difficult! �� Friends with younger ones tell me they would love my life, but me..well :-( Newly single after a long term relationship also doesnt help!! Im sure this feeling will pass soon, for both of us ❤ sending virtual hugs xxxxx

    P.s am a new fan of yours since i saw you with louise, you 2 are amazing together, love love love your video's together xxxx

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  3. I totally get where you're coming from, I've been feeling a bit low myself recently. Since starting my new job (which has lots of positives) I've found myself missing my old work friends so much and my new job is quite a lonely place without anyone to have a good chat with. Plus I miss the boys during the week as everything is so busy. I should be happy but feeling a bit meh, and so bloody tired!
    No advice but just to say you're not alone. Hope we both feel a bit better soon. xxx

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  4. New mum to second and nearly three year old. You've been there you know how chaotic it can be. I am slightly envious but know my time will come when those little feet and echoes of laughs and mischievous moments will be happening at school. Maybe behaving like a school day with set times and routines might help. I am also a teacher and know routine works for our family. We even have snack time and quiet time. Needs must.

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  5. Hi Emma, I can totally relate to your blog today. I am a supply teacher and haven't been getting that much work recently. I take it to heart and think that I must be the WORST teacher in the world. I have been working in education since I graduated and don't know how to move on or what to do. Both of my kids are at school so when I am at home I am alone. I know that I need to do things (like tidy, washing etc) but I can't think of how to start the jobs and so I don't. I really just don't know how to start. PS - have you thought about volunteering in primary schools? I know you are secondary but you might just love it x

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  6. Try to let yourself embrace the in-between? There's good stuff in there. x

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  7. I'm on maternity leave but dreading going back to work,(I'm a nurse in a nursing home) I think what makes it worse is my 60 year old mother in law died 5 months ago it's still quite hard, and to put my baby in nursery makes me sad, but I'm going to drag it out as long as I can

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  8. I know what you mean - I've got more time for writing now than I ever have but I just find it harder to focus. I still need to find my new routine. We'll get there love x

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  9. Totally get it. Just started a new part time job as a secondary school teacher after almost five years out of the classroom proper and I love the buzz and love the environment but feel massively guilty about not being there for my daughters (aged 3 and 1) half the week. But then when I was on maternity leave I started to feel quite down about not being in the work environment. It's all a massive balancing act but whatever you're doing you're doing for a reason, you know what's best for your family. Good luck. It will get easier as you get used to it.

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  10. Anyone can feel lonely. You can love your hubby, love your kids, be in a room full of people and still be lonely... the trouble is we don't want to tell people. Because we feel a failure, or unloved. When we are neither. As you get older, it's harder to make new friends and so the circle continues. Lets try not to beat ourselves up... we feel weird or needy trying to make new friends... well I'll say it loud and proud I do want them..... ������

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  11. I completely relate to this post, not as a mum, but as someone who left teaching in July and hasn't gone back this September. I thought I was going to be loving life, getting to work on loads of exciting ideas and having lots of sleep! Instead I'm at a loss, in our empty flat whilst my husband is at work. I don't miss the endless relentless job of teaching, but I do miss the structure and social life I had at school. Thanks for the post- it's made me feel less like it's just me!

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  12. three thoughts: don't put so much pressure on yourself - it's ok to not have a purpose; but if you want a purpose then what about http://www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/community-befriender/ ; listen to 6 music, Radcliffe and Maconie had this read out today http://lauramucha.com/poetry/the-land-of-blue/

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  13. Hi Emma, I completely sympathise, I felt lost and alone when each of my children went to school full time. It changes your life and the whole routine you have had for such a long time. It does get easier, trust me, you will always miss them but on a plus side the school holidays will be fantastic as you will have them back again and spend wonderful time together. It's all about settling into a new normal. Remember that you only feel like this because you must be a wonderful mother. Enjoy watching them thrive on their new chapter.

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  14. I'm so glad you wrote this. I had a huge pang when I read "aimlessly bobbing around". When I graduated university at 21 I remember feeling like my life train had reached the end of the rails and I had no idea what I should do. I had the exact same feeling when my youngest started school last year. All those years focused full pelt on childcare and then all of a sudden a yawning void and no obvious direction. I thought I'd start my own business and work from home, but working from home isn't all it's cracked up to be and it can be lonely and aimless. I still feel adrift without the constant focus of the children, and my hub works away all week. We're comfortable so there isn't any real pressure and I feel like I should be enjoying life and appreciating what I've got but instead I spend a lot of time worrying, feeling a bit lonely and the feeling guilty because - 1st world problems *sigh*.

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  15. Have you tried setting a routine so your work day starts after the school run and finishes just before you collect the kids.make yourself a lunch up as u would for work and make yourself only have lunch on your lunch break. Make sure work is done in the office unless your making a video in the kitchen or something but then that wont be so different from before. Just make it more of as structured day where you can. And as strict as work so no tv only on lunch and things like that.i hope u feel better soon and most of all look after yourself. Its been a big year for you and your family take a deep breath and remember you got through all that on one piece. Your strong and your the boss!

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  16. I've been working from home for a couple of years now and it is hard work not having a different workplace to go to with actual people to speak to. Obvs there are benefits, I love picking up the kids but it can be very demoralising. I could pop round yours every morning at 9 and we could bitch about Jeremy in accounts for 10 minutes if you like? kx

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  17. Bless you Hun. My son just started school and although still I've got my 5 month old to entertain, I still feel a bit lost without my little man. I even cried when I took my daughter to a sensory group while he was at school, it just felt weird without my little cheeky sidekick. So I do get it. It's just a period of adjustment and you will get there. Just have lots of tea, biscuits and cake and enjoy your little monkeys all the more when they get home from school. All the best xx

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  18. I still remember the feeling you're describing from almost 30 years ago, when my youngest started school. Your words brought a lump to my throat I can tell you! It's a sort of grieving process you are going through and, like all grieving, it will pass in time. I seem to remember I ended up joining the PTA and also going into the school as a 'parent helper', both of which helped to distract me. Try to keep yourself busy if you can. xx

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  19. "The very fact that I should feel so lucky actually makes the low feeling worse." It does. Sending good wishes that you feel better soon and find your way. Oh and huge congrats on the BML award x

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  20. The Midlife Fabonista9 October 2017 at 14:37

    Hi Emma! My youngest also started school in September (I have two boys) and I'm 40 next year so, well let's just say, I hear ya! What the flip am I meant to be doing with my life now?? I gave up my career just over two years ago to spend more time with my boys, have worked very part time since and had a couple of years as an Etsy shop owner. But what now? Like you, I'm a pretty positive person in general but September was one of the hardest months in a very long time, and I just didn't expect it. So, just wanted to say that this nearly 40, both kids at school business is a funny and tough old gig. Hope October is much happier for you xx

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